jennysuespeaks

an actual topic for once!

2010-06-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

i'm interested today in FREEDOM and our notion of it. i think there is a mass .."problem".. for lack of a better word at the moment for all the Gen Xers that i know concerning freedom / options / our sense of reality and fulfillment. we are, many of us, not feeling fulfilled. and i've been giving this a lot of thought lately, cuz i suffer this (truly luxury problem - i acknowledge completely that this aint a real problem in the grand scheme of things) with the best of them.

i have always valued having OPTIONS. hell, it's the american way. "anything is possible," "make your dreams a reality" in the "land of golden opportunity" and all that. i recently read a quote that went something along the lines of "nothing is less motivating / helps you focus less than hearing 'you can do/be anything you want to'." this is counterintuitively true, i think. the notion of having every possibility is something we were reared on, something we learned to keep close to our collective chest. as long as we had options, we were golden. options made everything possible, gave our life a sense of hopefulness and a bright future.

as such, we, as a generation, have tended to KEEP keeping those options open—maybe well past the point when we were supposed to. like, at 18, this is an understandable lesson, and something you want to impress upon a young lad or lass about to break out of the house and start living as an adult. though when i think about it, it seems the world has changed quite a bit since the 80s when i was a soon-to-be-adult. kids today have a much greater sense of the world much earlier, such that nowadays, leaving home for college is no longer the first "big view" into the real world; it's actually the point in time when you can fully start living and inhabiting all the ideas that were maybe just experiments at home or in high school. whereas in my high school, you could divide the student population into more or less 3 or 4 groups (academics, jocks, stoners a.k.a "metalers" as my social studies teacher liked to call the kids in black AC/DC teeshirts and long hair), high schools today are more or less representative of the adult population in the real world. you've got every race/mix, nationality, gender, sexuality, diet, political leaning, artform, athlete and jr. engineer represented. our parents' idea of high school is a quaint and outdated notion born of the 50s, where we are fleshy fresh tabula rossa just taking in information and learning what's-out-there until well into our 20s. today's teenagers know what they are into. many of them know what they will do as adults. there are activists and transsexuals, accomplished designers (tavi) and burgeoning scientists (eva vertes). kids today are free. they learned and saw — and they are experimenting and experiencing well before 18. they got a jump on the whole adult thing.

but back to my generation (sorry, i know, the change is abrupt and not altogether inspiring!). now in our 40s, we find ourselves sort of quizzically looking at our job, our apartment, maybe even our kid or family — and feeling, well, "is this it?" yes, there are moments of contentment, maybe even joy, but from conversations i've had, i sense a lingering idea of the-future's-so-bright — even among my starting-to-grey, starting-to-wrinkle generation. once you hit 40 (which i just did), you realize, as my friend put it "we are no longer the generation where anyone's hopes lie." but oddly, we've carried this hopefulness with us, and we're loathe to relinquish it. because who are we without all these possible, improbable futures laid out before us. we are defined by our ideas of what could be, of possibility.

i've long used the metaphor of having a "whole pie" of opportunity, each piece representing a different avenue, career or lifestyle choice. the catch 22 lies in the fact that if i choose one piece of the pie wholeheartedly, the rest of the pie goes away. ("just one piece!?") so rather than choose a piece, i have sort of dabbled, sniffed, maybe licked the crust here and there, but i leave the whole pie-of-opportunity intact, so that i might revisit all the options at a future date, and re-sniff, re-lick, what have you.

you can see where this is going.

the idea that freedom lies merely in having options is an outdated one. options are the FIRST step in freedom, yes. but the next and most vital step in actually experiencing the freedom of, as i define it, living your life expressed as only you uniquely can express it, is in CHOOSING one of these directions — and moving on it, with commitment. i speak from experience. here's what i've gotten out of keeping my options open: 1) a sense of enormous endless possibility in the (abstracted) future, and 2) a feeling of actual disconnectedness in the actual, realtime world. yes i've had experiences that are enriching; yes i've experienced joy and fun and good times, etc — but the larger experience leaves me feeling untouched, leaves the things i truly care about and am passionate about (for me it's animal welfare, philosophizing, helping others and maybe writing?) sort of unexplored, unaddressed. we are, i believe, largely a mix of reactions to the world around us. the way our chemicals, histories, neurons, observations and intellect combine is truly unique to us, and, as trite as it sounds, no one will experience things just as we do. to express our experience clearly seems to me as true and real and valid a use of our time as anything else — and probably the most interesting and useful.

i like to think of humanity as a giant organism, and we're each cells with our own tasks and assignments. if we don't do our job, it allows the other cells to have greater prominence, which aint balanced, aint healthy. for the system to operate smoothly, cells do their unique cellular thing clearly, and perhaps they gang up with other cells to create an organ with a greater function than any individual cell can accomplish on its own. but the key is that the cell does what the cell most naturally wants to do. one thing leads to another.

i'm not even high or drunk. if you made it this far, you are my friend!

mal dans ma peau

2010-05-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

well people -
this is one of those challenging times. i have a REALLY hard time being among successful artists — totally secure, cool, hilarious successful artists — and being asked what i do for a living. this is torture, yo. i cringe as i feel the question approaching, and i ask as many follow-up questions about their trade as i possibly can so as to prolong the inevitable. how can i start doing something i actually love? i mean, i guess the science stuff would be something i'd love, if i could ever get around to finishing my degree and doing it for a living. but then the other question arises about ART. i am here with a phenomenal Painter, an extraordinary multi-media artist and Photographer, and a handful of other creatives — and all i can feel is "i want to do that too; i want to create interesting, beautiful, moving, cutting-edge, social commentary in a work of art or literature!!!" and yet, all i do is sit around complaining about how i can't seem to find it in me. this is bullshit. i need to simply DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i don't know how many times i need to learn this lesson from creatives i admire, but i know that's what it's about. i'm just curious: do either of you feel this pull toward creating art when you see great music, beautiful painting, outstanding photos, etc etc? i can't tell if what i feel is simply appreciation (and that this yearning is how everyone feels) or if it means i, too, am meant to express in some artful way. i talked to my boyfriend about this today, and he told me he simply doesn't think of me as an artist, but as more of an analyst. this makes me sad, though it also feels like the reality of things. it's not like i've been creating all my life. i just somehow feel invalid in this arena/among artists, as a non-creator. like: surely you have things to say!? ok, this is really not blog-worthy. i'm just feeling an insane itch to put SOMETHING out into the world that speaks from my experience, as i feel totally inadequate and inexpressive right now, right here. i might delete this later tonight. i just have to post it. woof. i feel like a lame excuse for a human right now. bummer.

a list, some ideas, The Huffer

2010-05-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

the thing about writing your thoughts and ideas that's kind of embarrassing — and the reason i don't do it for a living [aside from the fact that no one has offered to pay me for that, hahaaa] — is that it implies this notion of one's "specialness," the importance of what they have to say. i really struggle with this. i don't know if it's being one of 8 kids in the household where i grew up or whether it's just a family low-self-esteem relic [my bet is a deadly combination of the two, urgh], but what ends up happening is this: i get an idea i get all psyched about, something i'm interested in and curious about, and when i imagine writing about it, i'm like "but i only have a paragraph. i don't have a lot to say around this topic. it's just an idea, a curiosity, a whim. and plus, a billion other people have likely also thought about this topic and decided it was too dumb/banal/hackneyed to write about." etcetera. i start to talk myself out of the project before i ever start it. THIS is the kiss of death. the pre-birth kiss of death. dudes, i just got embarrassed about how NAVEL-GAZERY this fucking blog is. i met this crazy cool woman today who was on an old white roadbike with cutoff black jeans and a black rocker teeshirt who does freelance writing and is about to pitch a book on "Slow Fashion" {more on that momentarily - so cool!}, like i forget there's a whole fucking WORLD out there that i'm actually INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT. yet i sign on here and all i can seem to talk about are my emooootions. really it's not that fascinating. ok back to slow fashion. it's a response to "Fast Fashion" - not unlike FastFood, it's cheap and shitty clothing (H&M, Old Navy, etc). the stores where you're like "i like this alright... and it's $9.99... so eff it, i'll take 2." i think this is pretty interesting stuff. and i love that this woman was just like "hell, i'm a consumer and this is a topic i'm interested in. i'm gonna write me a damn book about it." ok, so just for fun, right here, in front of (all! of) you, i'm going to brainstorm a second about what books/subjects i might like to write about. maybe i'll start by blogging about some of them [unless you, fair reader, say for fucks sake no i don't want to read about windburn versus sunburn, e.g. i will oblige!]

TOPICS:
1. animals. cognition, rights, cool-stuff-that's-been-found-out (like that rats laugh!?)
2. the homeless. i actually want to interview a few of the regulars around my house and post their impressions of the homed community.
3. humor-in-different-cultures. i've long wanted to do an international study on humor and language and how it varies country to country. relatedly, i'm interested in language discrepancies between cultures, like i just learned that the tibetans don't even have a word or phrase for "self-hatred" WTF TIBET?? can you get any cooler!? jesus.
4. social experiments. i have a few in mind that i'd like to do, and i'd like to write about them. the current one i'm most excited about involves asking (out loud) people on the subway for jokes - and watching the reactions a) to me and b) to the people who laughed at the joke - what happened next, etc.
5. meditation's effects on health. [there've been studies! and i'd like to conduct some more.]
6. humor/laughter's effects on health. [see above note.]
7. therapy. i dig it, i think that shit works. even though i blog about my stuffed-up feeeeelingsz all the livelong day. i feel waythefuck better now than i did 10 years ago when i started. or maybe that's just aging. hmmm. if i had a twin, we could have done a little case-control thing, but alas, i'm just a lass...
8. nature. how it is a weird metaphor for just about everything else in life, i find. in fact, i'm going to supplant this #8 with a new one...
8. metaphors. how i love them and how i feel like they're EVERYWHERE. everything's a metaphor for everything else.
9. simplicity. i know, those books were all published in the 80s, but shit man, simple is ALWAYS better.
10. maybe i should write an article on "why i just keep talking about opening a coffeeshop and never actually doing it." nevermind.

okay 10 is plenty for now, right? i will push myself a little harder next time (or in my journal, so no one has to endure this again).

what is the point of this blog again? i'm thinking of starting a blog about the homeless. like every couple days i could check in on them, if they're around, and get an update and tell everybody what's new in the life of, for example, the dude i like to call (cuz that's all i know about him) "The Huffer." i'm pretty flippin curious what his days consist of and what goes through his mind and what his favorite food is [which i'd like to surprise him with one time.] the only scary part with The Huffer is that he seems genuinely bonkers. like, he might beat me up or something. maybe i'll start slow and see how it goes. but wouldn't it be kind of interesting to get a peek into the lives of people who are not at all defined by the things we define ourselves by? (home, job, family) - these people actually have very full internal lives, and i'm dying to know what they're full of.

alright. thanks that was fun.
xo

i need a job

2010-04-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

hi.
i think busy-ness makes me more productive. i think this is one of those things everyone generally acknowledges - that structure makes productivity easier. it's easier to squeeze things-you-want in around things-you-need than to simply create what you want on a blank canvas of life. as my friend ben once put it: "the more you do, the more you do." word.

i had these visions, pre-unemployment, of myriad art and craft projects, apartment-paintings, meditation retreats, midweek museum-tours, READING (oh the reading i would do!), sewing classes! pottery classes! screenprinting classes! i'd learn italian!, etc that i'd do with all that free time. alas. here's more or less what i've done:

got me a boyfriend
started meditating (regularly!)
went to germany and israel
went to a california wedding
... ?
oh - started a Masters program
applied for one beeellion jobs, to no avail
tried to sue my old boss
... um... read a LITTLE
contributed RARELY to this blog
went to costa rica for a week with said boyfriend
what the hell else have i done?
watched a LOT of movies. noteably: The Host, With a Friend Like Harry, ...
oh yeah - i've listened to a lot of NPR and read a lot of online news crap
i exercised alot in the early days of UE, but i resolved in 2010 to Create More & Exercise Less, so now i'm fatter - and dammit - no more creative! sheet.

you see my point? i am not really ACCOMPLISHING anything. i wonder if other people have had luck establishing some sort of ritual in the face of emptiness. i know this is key - every artist or productive person i've ever talked to about this says its just a matter of SHOWING UP, of creating a ritual, making a habit, etc. why is that so hard? i love ritual! you'd think i'd thrill to create my own - totally free of the constraints of any corporation's schedule! but alas, i just sleep in, hang out chez boyfriend, watch a lot of movies (oh - i have to add that to the list).

ok - i need to go to class. i'm taking epidemiology this semester - easily my favorite class so far. i like where science and philosophy/concepts meet.

what is the point of these blogs? the question remains. the next one will be more inspired, je swear...

TMoL

2010-03-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

this post, lady and germ, is about The Meaning of Life. or today's thoughts on the topic, at least. i have an idea that the point of all life, if there is one [i don't mean in a "divinely prophecied" kind of way so much as a what's-most-natural/what-makes-sense-given-the-seeming-senselessness-of-it-all kind of way] has to do with purest, truest SELF-ness.

nature never lies. animals [with whom we begrudgingly share that title] are THEMSELVES, purely and simply. a chicken pecks around in the dirt, with no great regard for its purpose or for the image it projects in the minds of other chickens — it is simply exhibiting / being / enjoying its utmost chickenness. of course we can loop into the discussion the idea that the chicken is concerned on a greater level with species survival, and that dirt-pecking is exactly what's needed to keep chickens chickening for generations to come. and we'd be right. same too with humans, i think. as we are animals, we are also primarily, cellularly, interested in propagation of the species, and maybe by following our urges to do the things we most love doing, by getting our brains & bodies all excited/entertained in the particular way that suits us as individuals, we too are making our own gene-propagation a little more progressive. our added consciousness (above that of animals i mean) makes this strategy more interesting than simply a question of Strongest / Most Attractive / Most Fertile. we can actually make conscientious, kind, good-for-all-species decisions, rather than just for our own. every creature, everywhere, can benefit. rather than just the melee of species duking it out for domination, the conscious folks can assess the situation, decide what's likely to do the most/least damage to the planet and all species in general, and act accordingly.

the question would arise, i think, 'what about the people who enjoy killing other humans or raping small boys who help light incense at mass, etc?' — to which i think the obvious response is that this theory is based on a preconception of the humans under discussion being as free from this sort of psychological problem as possible. and ideally humans would help humans who are this screwy to unscrew themselves and be able to contribute better, etc etc. this is a bigger topic... but, i have to say in defense of the rapey (blowjobby?) priests, this seems to me more of a cultural problem than a personal psychological one. but it's a perfect example of a time when we can assess our situation and revise our worldwide strategy, right?

so the point, if i'm not belaboring this one to death, I THINK, is that the trick of life is to discover our ultimate USness, your YOUness, my MEness — and to act accordingly. something weird has happened in our culture over the past bunch of years to make this a bit harder, though, and i think television has made this effect grow exponentially. people, as social creatures (like all apes and many animals), care what others think of them. it makes sense, again, for propagation of the species purposes. but something has happened in us where we are so concerned [and i speak from experience!!! intense experience!!] with the perception of us that it almost eclipses the reality of us. or that we BECOME the perception or something like this. i think tv [and i do love it - don't get me wrong] has turned us into GAZERS and people who feel/are GAZED UPON, as opposed to BE-ers and DO-ers. (i am borrowing that phrase from the late great David Foster Wallace, to be fair.) tv has become the arbiter of worth, and our personalities have stepped in line, offering the world of viewers, watchers, judgers a version of ourselves that we feel will be favorable, given the context of all the other stuff we gaze at on the tube. i only bring this up because i think this [and its all really obvious i'm just talking it all out for fun] might be why and how it's become difficult to connect anymore with our own sense of our us-ness. and therefore, our sense of purpose.

the end.
to a possibly really silly entry.

habits

2010-03-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

hi. trying out a new font. WHICH, i just realized, is very appropriate, given the topic i want to write about today: Habits, and changing them.

“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”- Mark Twain

(just found that online when i googled "changing habits." but i think before i explore further online, i should just discuss what i'm thinking this morning.)

i have a feeling humans are largely made of HABITS. we make some deliberate decisions, yes, but these seem to be nested in a much larger, much deeper and more insidious house of habitual behavior and thinking. in fact, it's the thinking element i'm most interested in right now. i am very curious if anyone out there [you know who you are, you two!] has ever had any luck in changing a mental habit — a persistent belief you'd had that you suddenly one day decided was A) not true or B) not helpful any longer. and you went about changing it? and did you use specific steps? did you succeed? did it take a long time? i am so curious about this topic; i wonder what would be possible if we could alter lifelong perceptions of how/who we are, how/who others are, what anything means.

i've read that it takes 21 days to change a habit — not sure if this applies only to things like exercise, quitting smoking, etc — but it's interesting to ponder that we could change ANYTHING about ourselves in 21 days. like, what if, instead of endlessly TALKING about starting a damn coffeeshop [which, my broad audience may be aware, i've done for, oh, about 15 years], i actually did some work toward it for 21 days. on day 22, would something magically happen, something change that turned this notion into a reality or this "experiment" into a fact / a bonafide intention?

people often say that "changing is hard." and while i can acknowledge and agree with this on one level, because it "doesn't come naturally" (i'm into "quotes" today), i also think it's often not so difficult to CHANGE, so much as difficult to REMEMBER to change. it's the old ribbon-on-the-finger thing. we are creatures of habit, and as such, do some things / think some ways almost automatically. we've created the neural pathways (i'm back on that - holyshit, did i already write this same post and i forgot about it? hopefully it's tangential enough to not be totally reiterative and boring), and we just truck-on-down these highways, endlessly, usually with similar results to before. yeah - i think the real key is the awareness of the thing you want to change. THAT's the hard part — not the changing itself. this is a slippery bit to contemplate, we're so accustomed to thinking of behavior change itself as hard.

anyhow. that's probably about enough on this topic. i'd seriously love to hear about anyone's experiences with changing mental behavior (or even non-mental!).
Thanks Everybody!

post-script: i read online, and i think this seems smart and plausible, that stopping a behavior is good but REPLACING that behavior with another, more desirable one, is even better. this seems like a good idea, because where is your mind to go when you remove the undesirable idea? you have to give it a place to rest, right? what's a good metaphor ... i can't think of one just now.... maybe next time. i hope you have inspiring mental-habit-change stories for me!!

RANT!!!

2010-02-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

sorry to unleash this on all (2 of) yall, but WTF IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD THAT NO ONE CAN DO THEIR JOB AND/OR TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUCKING AT WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO? i think i am officially an old bitter bastard, because i swear my aunts and uncles bitched this very same thing when i was a kid. i'm just going nuts. today's installment: The company who owes you $20k declares bankruptcy and says "sorry" for being unable to pay outstanding debts, and, relatedly, the county clerk lost the affidavit you hand-fucking-carried to them a month ago, proving you served a summons to said shithead now-bankrupting company.

like, if your only damn job is to stamp an affidavit when someone hands it to you and file it in a g.d. drawer, why are they paying you a salary when you DIDN'T FILE IT IN A DRAWER? and why do you have ZERO REMORSE about it? honestly, i am flummoxed. i feel like the world doesn't make any sense when shit like this happens. it's akin, in my mind, to someone just randomly driving on the lefthand side of the road, or cutting in front of you in line and being like "yep, i did." no excuses, no logic, no nothing. i feel like saying "GO LIVE ON MARS, WEIRDO." but don't keep working at the fucking clerk's office.

and i'm done. thank you. eff!

in other news, life is very very decent. I'm as-yet jobless, but getting to focus, in the meantime, on cool stuff like trying-to-become-a-calmer-person (meditation) and at-long-last-uncovering-my-creative-medium (writing). i'm totally committed to these two things, right now. i have a ton of ideas about the first of these two endeavors - and i'm hoping to communicate them via the second. boulderhomecook made a good point, after my last post: namely, that PRACTICE is really the key (and i'm carrying this truth into my two new "commitments" mentioned above) and that - right - writing is also about saying something that might not necessarily have a place for expression in your own, normal, day-to-day world. it's a place to go a little poetic and soft and adventurous, rather than the standard hard-edged, goal-driven approach that dominates most of life and its writing.

i'm hoping my blog turns into something that has a distinctive perspective. i'm sort of just ranting and journalling on here so far. sharing experiences. which, honestly, isn't terribly interesting, i think. i've at least determined that, AS A WRITER (he-hem! i am trying out calling myself that), i am, at least now, more of a non-fiction kinda writer. i love reading fiction, but i really want to talk about ideas and philosophy and life/reality when i write. maybe this just means i'm less well-adjusted than fiction writers and i'm desperately trying to make sense of all of this. which is totally true, who am i kidding - i find life to be a totally bizarre and nonsensical experience.

et voila.
xo

snow. discipline. chickpeas.

2010-02-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

hi. both of you. it snowed like hell in ny yesterday — it was a dream. literally, i felt like i was in a dream, walking through the park while it blizzarded. there's something about snowstorms that make me feel like i'm 8. maybe it's the oversized clothing, the massive mittens/unusable hands, the impermeability/flop-on-down-ability. i dunno, but i like it. i felt like i was in a painting, or in the best scene from the best, most hopeful, subtle movie ever. yeah - there's something weirdly hopeful for me about when it snows, how it changes the landscape you know and take for granted, how everything suddenly falls into shades of white, grey, and brown - sometimes a little orange; how the world you are so familiar with suddenly surprises you and feels like WHO KNEW we could have THIS EXPERIENCE here? i was walking through silent WOODS (in brooklyn!) where the snow stacked up on all the branches, leaving the undersides dark brown, and one side of every trunk was puffed with 6" of snow or so. the lake in the park had frozen almost entirely and was green-grey, in contrast to all this white/brownness. this doesn't make for a very interesting story, methinks. but i was so crazily MOVED by this long walk i took in the snow. it was so QUIET. so thought-provoking. i was elated. i notice i feel similarly when it rains / pours. [do you guys experience this love-of-precipitation?] i like how a natural phenomenon just stops everyone in their tracks and brings us all to the same wide-eyed experience. cool. [wow - and incidentally, Loudon Wainright just sang a song on FressshhhAiirrrr with Terri Gross called "Grey in LA" - which is all about how the best days in california are grey, cuz there's just too much damn sun there -- WHICH echoes my main complaint about that state / and my main love affair with this one: seasons and the moody awesomeness of a landscape and sky that has more than one happy-go-lucky mood.] rant!

in other news. i've been thinking a lot about writing lately. i've been writing since i was 7 or something, keeping dumb journals (not unlike this one!) and i just remembered, i used to write POEMS in elementary school and even "performed" one (lengthily!) on-stage when i was 11. i thought rhyming was the coolest. anyway - i got to asking myself questions like What is the point of writing? Why write? What do i have to say? and while i (clearly!) don't know what i have to say, i realized the urge to write is really at the crux of things -- like, you could ask any painter, photographer, sculptor, musician "Why do your thing?" and i think the answer would be something along the lines of "i just feel like i want to" or "i can't help it." and then the message or experience for the end-user is secondary? i always struggle with this question of what-to-say, and i asked a writer-friend (a pro) how she knows what to write about, and she said "it's not a question of knowing what to write about. it's about writing everyday, and following what is going in an interesting direction." i felt so dumb after she said it. like i had just learned the alphabet yesterday and been given my first pencil. so obvious. any artist i've ever talked to says discipline - a daily ritual - is the place where inspiration is born. i tend to get a lot of inspiration and never apply any discipline to it, and i think i've been going about things backward. in any case.

i just ate chickpeas (cooked with fennel seed!), mixed with garlic-mayo and hot-peppers-in-oil. so damn good. it's always good eating around here when i can't seem to get to the store for any fresh stuff and i have to start getting creative with the LEGUMES that sleep in the cupboard for months on end.

bye!

a question, security and ferocity

2010-01-31T13:04:00.000-08:00

i just tried to make a title for this post - but i have no idea what it's going to be about - so i'll wait until the end. i'm thinking it might be loosely based on an INTENSE and kinda frantic writing session i just had. the basic gist of it, as i get knee-deep in romantic intensity and what-not, was the question: WHAT DOES A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP GIVE YOU? and i think for most people it might give something a little bit illusionary. i want to hear other peoples' thoughts on this topic. my notion is that humans chase the [false] idea of Security and Stability all their lives — in relationships primarily, jobs secondarily, and then maybe kids terti..arily [i.e. the Security that comes with knowing part of your genes will carry on after you're dust, and they get down to the business of living life that maybe you yourself abdicated in the pursuit of providing-for-your-gene-carrier, etc]. i feel a little bad writing this, b/c the one person i think who reads my blog is a parent - and i am not intending to breeder-bash (at all!) (i still toy with breeding meself, don't laugh), i just think the topic of kids is germane to this idea of Security-seeking — which appears to be the point of the post, so i have to say it.

ANYHOW. we all die. it's a fact. and it's not just life that ends, EVERYTHING ends eventually. The flan you just ordered, the clean tub you just scoured, the high feeling from the superfun night you had with your friend, the close connection you're feeling to a person/any person, the inspiration you got from that art show, the feeling of security you have when there's money in the bank, an earth that's not quaking, a town that's not war-torn, etc. all these things, i believe, come to an end. which is to say EVERYTHING comes to an end. yet humans chase this idea of the NeverEnding. i would venture to say most humans spend the bulk of their time trying to secure things that are by definition ephemeral. which, when i think about it, feels like a monumental and yeah, tragic waste of time and energy. to really come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is secure, that you are completely and irrevocably insecure, seems like a sort of key to the kingdom, to me. like, then you can actually spend your time and your energy and your life pursuing the things that make you feel alive — rather than trying to run from things that remind you of death, which be comin, no doubt. to get secure in the insecurity, such that you can go forward and PLAY with life, seems like a really good idea. and honestly, the only true way to live.

i'm just speaking for myself, obviously. this isn't meant as a polemic against people who want to find security, cuz I GET IT. i've been doing the same thing my whole life. and now that i'm in a relationship, i feel these weird, irrational tugs to try to secure this partnership in some way, to make myself not feel afraid of its (eventual, let's be honest, one way or another) ceasing. and this is what's leading me to ponder these ideas. and the biggest question that comes out of it for me [and i want to know what others think, for real] is WHY ATTACH TO ANOTHER? and the best reason i came up with for why i feel attracted to this fella, outside of all the aforementioned security/comfort reasons (which are nice, for sure, if not fantasy-derived) is that he actually lives in a way that i want to live. namely: courageously, playfully, engagedly. he finds inspiration and joy and fun and interest in everyday things. and he challenges his mind on nearly every point he or anyone else makes. he is rigorous in his enjoyment and rigorous in his contemplation of things. it feels like he lives pretty fully. this isn't meant to be an anthem to his coolness, i am just trying to sort out the reasons i have personally — the ones i can really get behind, rationally i mean — for being in a relationship. and i guess it IS like i said comfort for one, inspiration for two AND, a third is that this level of intimacy is the closest any of us get to living in another person's skin. which is sort of like a dream-come-true. how to have a life-experience that is not your own -- that is a real trick. and i think we can become so much smarter, so much cooler and funner and more compassionate and all-around wiser, by seeing out the eyes of someone else. this is a trite point perhaps, but still a cool phenomenon. and one you don't get [i know from experience!] chilling in your own world on your own couch by your own damn self. hmmmKAY?!

okay - i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i went on for 6 pages in my journal around this topic, and it bled into all different areas, pretty fun. oh yeah, and the word i took away from my journal writing was FIERCE. i feel like a Fierce life would be one that totally embraces this idea that nothing can be contained or grasped, and so we have nothing to lose, and so we have nothing to fear, and so we follow every instinct, idea, spark that gets us going. we live big. in open air, like birds or something. we're alive while we're alive and we'll be dead when we're dead — not trying to escape death while we're alive. not a poetic ending.

i dedicate this song...

2010-01-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

I can't decide which thoughts and feelings are the biggest right now. But i will say that i am wildly, heart-clutchingly grateful for the relative EASE and PEACE i've been feeling the last few days. it's weird how we forget the truth in the old adage about this too shall pass and all that — why is it so hard to imagine feeling any different than we do at the moment? Every emotion feels terminal. I guess there's also fear involved, which only makes things seem more desperate, more bound-for-hell. in any case (i can't decide if i'm converting to a Titlecase kinda gal or if i should just stick with my usual lc style) - things have shifted. And i get a little surge of adrenaline at even the GALLING ASSUMPTION... life is truly so weird, people.

what helped. for one, the tools i discussed last time. for two, being BUSY. my kingdom for a full schedule these days. i'm unemployed at the moment and boy does my idle mind go to bad places lately... also, FRIENDS, SISTERS, STRANGERS. i have a bad habit, when i'm all raw-and-open like this, of telling every damn person what is going on with me. and luckily people are really nice. but the best people to hang around when my head is spinning out are those that always shock me into some kind of understanding. i'm thinking of one friend in particular. he has a very matter-of-fact style always, and it is damn comforting to hear that man say "Sounds normal," and "It'll pass," with his signature eye-close and wipe-away-turn of the head.

This is not the most inspired blog, because i'm about to THERAPIZE, people, so i'm a bit distracted, but i find also that the other thing that helps is working these tricky mindbits through in a (semi-) public sphere. not that anyone is reading it even [thank you if you do!], but it feels loads more productive, somehow, than simply bleeding onto my journal YET AGAIN. i am feeling less and less certain of the purpose of my journalling. it's one place to work through things, but i am starting to recognize in myself a real penchant for screwing-around-in-one-fucking-place-forever. to wit: 20 years of emotional romantical solitude. sorry, Dave! maybe i should write a Willie Nelson style cover To All the Men I Couldn't Love Before. might be helpful.

i believe that is enough for now. thank you and good night.

holy hell.

2010-01-15T10:38:00.001-08:00

hi everyone. i'm terrified. i don't mean this in my usual, hyperbolic assessment of some new (relatively) trifling work or personal situation. i mean this in the WILL-I-EVER-BE-THE-SAME fright that only a long-denied, wholly unexpressed childhood fear can elicit. turns out, i have never before experienced panic. or at least not in my adult life.* ... but this is something i feel best described by the phrase "bone-rattling." literally, my bones shake. my organs shake. i shake. it's fear. the subject / content of which is probably less interesting than the phenomenon itself. let's just say, in short form, it's about getting hurt (again) in romance. startlingly singular and fascinating, i know! i'm the first person ever! so... the mystery of my two solidly single decades is solved, at least - or on the way to being so. this is progress, i have no doubt about that. but fucking HARD-FOUGHT (and not yet entirely won) progress. mother of god. i didn't know people could feel this way. what follows is not a cry-for-help, NOT YET - it's merely an expression of a new kind of understanding: i now understand why people off themselves. poor david foster wallace. i can't even imagine the pain. i've been reading his "a supposedly fun thing i'll never do again" essay the last few days; the weird thing is that everyone feels connected to that guy. how can someone so observant and warm and hearty and hilarious and weird not feel the love back? how could we all adore him and his thoughts so much [and by association his person] without him feeling this love? what happens in us / to us / between us that keeps all the understanding-magic from inhabiting us or eachother? anyhow, back to my suffering. cuz like i said, that is fascinating stuff.

i've been reading / listening to / talking alot about fear lately. the buddhists compare fear to a dream where, e.g., you're being chased by a tiger and you fully believe it to be real until you wake up and then of course realize "it was just a dream" - and the terror instantly vanishes into nothingness. they say our thoughts and stories and fears are exactly the same, except that it's harder to pull back the shade of fiction, because we live in it and are committed to it on some subconscious level. where we all agree consciously (and subconsciously) that dreams are not real. neurobiologists say that the amygdala, which houses our fear and emotional center, connects only in a one-way street to our pre-frontal cortex, where reaction-decisions are made -- a major superhighway from fear to action. the reverse path, however, whereby we can make decisions and reverse the fear response or alter it by the force of our reason, is only connected by a series of small, bumpy, winding, unpaved backroads. i like the idea of trying to pave this road.

the odd thing about this experience, about fear, is that much of the trauma comes from the fear itself. it's the fear the body reacts to - that's why the raised heartbeat, the sweaty forehead, the numb limbs, the burning chest and gut. which, it usually turns out, is the extent of the negative experience. it's all right there in that moment, when you have a scary thought and your body responds. the next, crucial step, from what i am gathering, happens when you indulge that thought and extrapolate out a life of lonely devastation and perpetual sweating. that's when the mind starts to lose its hold. the purpose of the mind is to protect the body from such traumas, so it comes as no surprise that a "crazy" experience takes hold as you fully experience the fear. your mind is logically arguing that you GET THE FUCK AWAY, but for whatever reason, you're in it. and now your body is in charge, bearing the brunt of the mind's vomit. i never thought about that: fear is the mind's puke. and it actually feels just like that, come to think of it. the mind does not know what to do with fear other than RUN AWAY and protect. this is the superhighway aforementioned. it's instantaneous. it tries to save you.

i've been told recently, much to my dumbly surprised nearly-40-self, that fear is "part of being human. get used to it." somehow i was under the impression that i didn't really so much have any of that. well, joke's on me. some fears are just too big to be unearthed without the help of hormones and luuuurve, turns out.

tools. i have been given a few tools so simple-sounding that you'd almost think they aren't worth listening to or trying. but isn't it always the case that the smartest tools are also the simplest ones? Number One: Breath. When the panic hits, if you can train yourself to be instantly aware of the physical or mental/emotional cues and start to breathe deeply into the belly, you're halfway there. part of the crazy-feeling comes from thinking you're losing your mind, when in fact you've just let fear take over - whose JOB IT IS to get you to run like hell, like we said. so to be able to take a few deep breaths and literally say in your head "oh, fear's here. terror's here. pain is here. hellooooo guys..." makes you YOU again - puts you back in control of the situation. and let's be honest, this is all about control in the end. Number Two: Acknowledge that Love/Life/What-Have-You is larger than the pain and fear you're experiencing. that you, your heart can handle it. Number Three: Tell the scared person (kid?) in you not to worry - that you're in charge now and you know what to do, that a very smart person taught you a very smart system and all you have to do is allow it. Number Four: Use Your Senses. Name 5 things you see, 5 things you hear, 5 things you smell, something you taste (p.s. metal is the taste of fear, i have discovered). this part of the exercise puts you firmly back in your body, in the world, and reinforces that you are alive in this very non-scary room or place, wherever you are. it's a good one. very grounding. Number 5: SEARCH for the fear. look for its remaining hiding place. maybe you feel a little tremble in your belly or a residual burning in your arms/chest or numbness in your calves. the instruction i've been given is to "Let your kind breath touch that spot." Where breath meets terror, terror cannot live. sounds way too simple, but i'm telling you people, it works. BREATH. who knew? all the buddhists, actually.

alright. i guess that's all i have to say on the subject for now. this is quite a trip, an insane-feeling adventure. but i also know that it is leading me down the path to being able to experience virtually ANYthing that life hands me - and hopefully it will even make me smarter to the hidden/disguised fears that have been kind of ruling my life and inadvertently choosing on my behalf for the last 40 years. oy.

*i suppose i panicked a bit in cameroon - my first 3 weeks nothing short of a ghostly dream and me sort of lacily floating through it all sincerely exclaiming to my new international co-volunteers: "do you feel like you're dreaming?"

POST-SCRIPT: my therapist recommends i do a lot of exercise, spend a lot of time around trees, eat alot of root vegetables (potatoes, carrots, beets, rutabagas, etc) and drink "Irish Guiness." no shit. i love her.

and hello

2010-01-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

**this post was started on feb 9 of 2009 - not sure why i didn't post it... it still seems true - if unfinished.**

2 yearsish since the last post. it is a grey day in nyc, totally my kind of day. a little drizzly and hushed - like a big grey blanket the sky offers with a kindly "i know, i know." i appreciate this. i didn't get much of it in california. all that sunshine feels like a mockery if you have a noggin prone toward pensiveness. there's no NOT going outdoors and NOT enjoying the sunshine and NOT going on a run in beautiful countryside. ok, i'm sort of undoing my own point by listing all these lovely things. it's just that i like the sweet indulgence of a grey day. you CAN drink your coffee indoors and read until you fall asleep on the couch and you have in no way wasted anything. no guilt. i can dig it.

i'm thinking lots of things and don't know what exactly to write about - but i'll start with a short list, for today:

1. this growing sense i have that my life needs more deliberateness. when i think of what others have done with their time on earth, i am amazed and inspired - and reminded that there are as many ways to live as there are ideas about life. that there is no script and that we can actually invent new ways to live. this excites me, and makes me feel open, even just thinking about it.

2. i might open a winebar/cafe in windsor terrace. my friend says its more important to just do it than to worry about "the theme", the look, how-it-will-work, etc. he is smart in this way, and i think i should take his advice and just start.

what have you done?

2009-12-31T13:36:00.000-08:00

if the heart is a lonely hunter, the mind is a wily prey. am i inferring the heart preys on the mind? i might be, though it's counterintuitive right off the bat, to me. yes, the heart hunts; for connection, for truth, for beauty. and the mind, it appears, works like hell to keep its human from exactly these things — from connecting to others, from knowing the truth of oneself, from seeing beauty.

i'm no psychologist (or at least a really crappy fake one). i'm just marveling today at my heart's desire to CREATE, to be inspired, to DO — and my mind's subsequent attempts to keep me from doing the very things that will take me there. why do we avoid what is good for us? seriously, WHY?? i think i can only speak for myself and maybe assume an extrapolation that others experience the same thing — but i guess the underlying fear is simply LACK. if i don't first make cookie dough (just cuz!), fold the laundry (that's been hanging dry for a week in my living room, p.s.), renew my AAA and call my mother, then i'll have to just sit in IT. in the unknowing, the potential nothing, on the blank slate. in solitary confinement. but instead of being put in a cell, i'm put in the wide open world. complete with: free time, healthy body, adequate mind, enough money to not have to stress too hard about it (at least for now). basically placed in what all of africa might consider a utopian situation. and what am i to do with all this utopia? how can i possibly create worth out of all this good fortune? i struggle with this "luxury problem" as my sister calls it. the paralysis of parameterlessness. which is total bullshit by the way. i realize it is no excuse for not doing something ("oh, i'm just too LUCKY!! what i need is more STRIFE!") i guess it's one of the weird things about modern industrialized society, that we have to give our own lives meaning - that it doesn't come with the territory. if you are fighting starvation, malaria, an insurgent militia or AIDS your whole life, the point of your everything becomes clear very quickly. and success is measurable by virtue of your living and keeping your family alive. but my POINT is... back to the (relatively minor!) question of creating... that i need parameters. i need to give myself goals, guidelines, timelimits, etc.

anyway, back to the bigger stuff: in the end, it comes down to, i think, one question: what have you done? i vacillate between thinking the most important thing is A) to help those less fortunate or B) to enjoy everything, everyone, everywhere, every minute. i toggle between being enchanted by a moony night walk by the park and devastated by the homeless glue-huffer living through the winter on that park bench. i envy those who feel clear about the meaning of things; the religionists have their whole afterlife to count on, the atheists and humanists live for today. both good options, i guess.

i'm just hoping i start doing SOMETHING. and i hope my writings start making some kind of coherent sense. i guess all i can do is help when and where i can, appreciate as much as possible, and keep showing up to do the work i think i'm supposed to do. to know when i'm distracting myself and to be a tight-bunned school-mistress with my distractor, and get my fingers moving and words spilling. i feel i have something to say, and i hope if i just keep saying stuff into the ethers like this, it will one day start coming out.

i feel i have a lot more to say, this is feeling journal entryish. i just feel sad about lost relationships. that's all. and i feel fearful of future losses.

woof.

ghostland

2007-03-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

hi. i'm in santa cruz now - and boy is it wierd. i mean the town is as wierd or as normal as ever, it's just ME who feels wierd IN IT. it is strange to be no longer a part of something/somewhere/of your friends' daily lives - nor to be a part of anywhere else yet either. very disconcerting for a creature of habit like myself. i don't think i have any new pix for ya, but i'll see if i can dig up an old interesting one. just had lunch with one of my favorite people ever - mr. Don Palermini. he treated me to a delicious plate of tofu chilaquiles at the amazing and undervisited-by-me Walnut Cafe in downtown sc, and then we ambled around in the shady cold and over to the Goodwill - where don bought an old mechanic's jacket with a Hertz patch on it and i bought some slip-on shoes for use in aFREAK. they're a little big, but i saved $80!!

yeah i can't believe i'm saying this out loud - but i'm starting to look forward to the day when i actually WORK again. (horrors!) i didn't think it would come to this - but it is going on nearly a year that i'm work-free. and it is a ster-RANGE feeling. or maybe it's not work per se that i'm looking forward to, but rather the ritual of a normal life - in a place that feels like YOUR TOWN with YOUR PEOPLE in it. i look forward to that. to discovering a new place, one coffeeshop and one running trail at a time. portland?? is it you??

here's a dog that showed up at my brother's house before i left. he was so damn cute and totally adopted me as his new mome in the 2 hours that we were hanging out. i can't wait to have a dog.

oh so i rewatched My Dinner with Andre - a great film from 1981 starring Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory (and ONLY them) wherein they have a discussion over dinner. for 2 hours. a pretty fascinating and philosophical discussion. i'd seen it before, when i was 23 or 24 - and it had new and cooler meaning to my 36 y.o. self. it's fun to simply be a witness to a conversation sometimes - rather than an active participant in it.

alright, i'm tired. i'm headed to social appointment #3 of 4 today, here in a few minutes. i can't wait to have a bed of my own again. it's nice seeing old (and newish) friends, but it does feel WIERD to be in a town that feels like history to you. alright. bye for now.

volver

2007-02-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

hi. i'm back in vegas. somehow SLIGHTLY less inspired and alive and ..good than i felt in santa fe. go figure. but hell - life is GOOD, so i need to quit ma bitchin. i am healthy (hopefully - i just got 4 vials of blood drawn to prove that point - and now my hands have that weak ow-the-keys-feel-resistant-on-this-keyboard-today feeling of bloodlessness. psychosomatic obviously but that's what i'm feeling), and lucky in so many other millions of ways. i don't mean to sound totally silly & spiritual, but here i go (again) (i should just kill this caveat once and for all cuz CLEARLY i AM TOO a flaky californian fruitcake.) but i've been reading a lot of Thich Naht Hahn lately (have i mentioned this?) Vietnamese Buddhist monk - and his writings remind me that damn, every single breath is a gift from who-knows-where and the fact that our eyes actually work is something a blind person would rejoice over forever more - but instead of looking at the blue and the cool shaped clouds in the sky or admiring FULLY the fact that i get to stare into the friggin CUTE MUZZLE of a dog or whatever - i stare at cellulite or a dent in my car and get all bummed. silly misuse of my awesome resource of vision. doy. anyway, i don't think i'm really doing this topic justice. suffice it to say, that TNH ROCKS (i'm thinking of getting I [heart] TNH shirts made) and that i am one lucky moflicker, who needs to remember that on a daily basis.

bud damn, the time in santa fe with Patty was so ... cool. it felt so different from any other time i've spent anywhere. santa fe definitely has its own awesome thing going on, but on top of that, patty and i did such fun things and had such great conversations. AND ! i went to this healer-guy who she sees. which was a total trip. i actually think i had my first truly metaphysical experience there. i'll tell you more about it, if you want to know - but it had to do with exploring my fear of rats. so trippy. and SO COOOOL. but back to the general feeling: in a word, i'd have to say "expansive." and luckily, not so expensive. just for posterity, i'm going to write down the highlights of the trip:
*indian dinner out
*baking scones in
*massage in patty's office!
*healer-guy session
*x-country skiing
*aussie & s. african x-country ski rental guys
*tea at patty's kitchen table at night
*drawing designs with her, for my cafe
*chai at Annapurna (awesome himalayan cafe)
*santa fe baking company - coffee every morning, how could i forget?
*THE HANUMAN TEMPLE. that ruled.
*the gorge in Taos
*the drive back from Taos - we felt all nice & peaceful
*the drive there & back
*falling asleep with my headlamp on, on the sofabed, reading TNH
*beers with lucia
*walking to the shops
*body - organic cafe
*yoga class

okay sorry that was really boring for anyone but me. wait, no one reads this i forgot. i take it back. :)

coffee heaven

2007-02-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

howdy people! i'm writing from what might be one of the top 5 coolest coffeeshops i've ever been in: the Santa Fe Baking Company. it's a mere 10 minute walk from my sister's apartment, and it's got almost everything i like in a coffeeshop, namely:
1. multiple levels. there is a main/top level and then one step down to another level and then another 3 steps down to a little grotto-y looking level
2. multiple lightings. there's a ton of natural light flooding the top level/entry area of the place, and then progressively less natural light/a darker feel in the cavey area. very cool. your light can suit your mood!
3. several bars. there are many little 2-4 person tables scattered about, and then also THREE bars with stools. i think bars lend a very casual, cool feel to a place like this - especially because some of the bars butt up to the sides of the small tables. it gets people chatting and it feels less exclusive and solitary, somehow. i got chatting with the coolest woman the other day because of this arrangement! oh, plus, if you're only having coffee, you don't feel guilty taking over a barstool, the way you do taking up a whole table. ya dig?
4. um, great coffee. and free refills at that!
5. free wireless internet access. [did you know that starbucks charges? i feel like free internet access is almost as much a natural right of humans at this point as oxygen in the air or ground underfoot. i'm sorta kiddin. i just get pissed when i have to pay for it. (and i don't. i read instead. which is probably more productive anyway.)]
6. lots of fun, awesome-looking people. after 2 months in Las Vegas, this is like gold. literally. i would pay just to sit here and take in the vibe of people with wool beanies and open, interesting faces full of hope and free tibet stickers on their trucks. i might officially be a hippie. dammit.

7. oh yeah - and no one steals your laptop or wallet when you go to the bathroom! a just-discovered fact! :)

my drive here was uneventful and beautiful. the almost full moon was hanging over santa fe at twilight as i was cresting the last hill on I-25 on my way into town. a little blurry, but damn the moon makes me feel excited and happy.

and yesterday, my sister and i drove to Taos and saw a giant gorge (the bridge over which which many suiciders jump off of, she told me. it became a more-creepy, less-beautiful experience with that info in-hand.), hiked a little snowy trail up a mountain, and finally found a Hanuman Hindu temple where we drank chai that they offered and sat peacefully before an enormous Hanuman statue and some photos of Neem Karoli Baba - an Indian religious man who looks like he was a damn lot of fun. really peaceful vibe there. it was so nice to even just enter a space that was built simply for the purpose of peace and life-reverence. i guess theoretically this would be the idea behind any church i've ever been in, but somehow it didn't feel the same. felt expansive, instead of the narrowing, strangling sense i'd always gotten in my Catholic youth. alright! that's all i got for today. thanks for reading.

shame

2007-01-30T08:51:00.000-08:00

alright i was just EMBARRASSED into posting again, as i looked over my most awesome as-yet-never-met-in-person friend ian's blog, where he features me as a prominent link. i update so rarely, i don't even know how to do links anymore, but i'll work on it, for the "ian's blog" i just mentioned.

damn, why do i know so many (or know people who know so many) crazy awesome travelling folks!?!? i am lying in bed here in vegas at 8:53am getting myself stir-crazy reading through different folks travel-stories and thumbing through bootsnall.com forum threads. i've been up since 430am and i reclined here with the intention of snoozing, but now, 2 hrs later, my computer hot from exhaustion, i am AMPED PEOPLE.

so, not that anyone is reading this blog, but JUST IN CASE any of ian's referrals come my way, let me tell you my COOL NEWS: i'm going to Africa in April to work at a Chimpanzee sanctuary for 6 months! cool, right? i am thrilled. i was wanting to travel since i have both $ in the bank and time [a rare coincidence], but i wasn't feeling the rush of excitement at the thought of simply cruising around, lolling sleepily on beaches for months, etc. so i went onto idealist.org and searched for extended volunteer gigs, preferably with animals (but i'd definitely like helping out the kiddos and the geris too, for sure) and preferably that didn't CHARGE YOU (i know!) to help them. and i found one!! and they accepted me! i just found out last week. so now i'm busily setting up bloodwork and immunizations appointments, requesting visas and int'l drivers licenses (apparently i have to drive to town once or twice a month to buy FROO-IT for the apes, just like you'd imagine. dirt jungle roads, i am EXCITED!!) i was just realizing the other night that i'm going to be going to sleep to some awesome sounds, over there at the camp. the only sound i'm dreading is the little tcht-tcht-tcht of rat-scratching. it's my only known semi-phobia, and i'm a bit spooked about that (keep envisioning rats eating my face as i sleep!??! i'm sick), but in an effort to acclimatize myself or whatever the word would be, i have been watching rat videos on youtube, looking at cute pix of rats on cuteoverload.com and yesterday i went to petsmart and watched a hairless rat for a few minutes. i couldn't find a haired one. but this guy was so adorable, i gotta say. something about seeing his pink skin and wrinkles made him seem way less diabolical. plus his ears were giant translucent bells of adorability. and he was cleaning furiously, which eased my fears a bit, about rats supposedly being so dirty.

anyhow, there you have it. i am going to try to post more often here - and really learn how to do cool things on here again. like PICTURES. and LINKS.

pic post test: this is "Cochese" - half timber-wolf and half siberian-wolf. one of the most beautiful dogs at the dogpark (where i spend a DAMN lot of time here in vegas. i've met cool people there - including two olympian swimmers just this sunday!

and i was a cupcake for halloween. it looked better from the front.

and lastly, a recent outfit i quite liked. vertical, horizontal AND diagonal stripes. booya!

i cannot figure out how to line up these pix, people. sorry about that. and THANKS FOR READING!

sPin city

2006-12-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

howdy folks. this is gonna be a quick one. of the 2 of you that check this blog on occasion i think you both already know what's going on, but for any happen-to-stop-by-ers:

i packed up my santa cruz life and moved to vegas! just kidding. i did pack up my shit and i AM in vegas - but only for a month or so. my bro needed some kind of emergency sorta help and once again i being the UNEMPLOYED and SORTA FLAKIEST family member, was an obvious choice to come help out. my tone there sounds words than i feel, actually - i am totally psyched to spend time with die bruder - i just wish he lived in .. tahoe or hawaii or durango.

anyhow - i will write more later, cuz i'm about to go venture out of town by myself for the first time since i've been here. apparently there's a LADIES mtn bike ride starting at 10am in boulder city - riding around what is meant to be some "epic" (according to IMBA) terrain - Bootleg Canyon. I've just had my giant bowl of red river cereal (thanks sven & amanda!) and am about to get ready - but just wanted to announce that, at summer's suggestion, i have created a NEW flickr account. it goes a little something like this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jtothez/ they only allow you to upload 20mb of pix a month, so i'm afraid i might be done for the month (does anyone know if the month ends/begins on the 30th/1st? if so, i'm hosed - cuz i just uploaded them all yesterday, the 1st.

alright, more soon. having a lot of feelings over here. as usual. i can't believe i haven't worked in 4 months - surreal. ok, more luego!

partytime

2006-11-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

fun night. fun day too, in a wierd way. i QUIT the flush/cleanse/fast - and started the return-to-sugar party pronto. they recommend you break your fast with juice for the first day and then gradually work your way up to salad two days later (?!?). i went straight for the chocolate peanut butter bar that my sister sent me in the mail (along with the running clothes that i'd accidentally left at her house in jersey. it's like one of those target ads: junkfood. running clothes. junkfood. running clothes.) yum. and then i baked THREE desserts. "to bring to a party." but really i just friggin MISSED PREPARING FOOD and was makin up for lost time. i love LOVE (!) preparing food. and eating food. and sharing food. etc. ILOVEFOOD. so quitting was a good start to the day. then over to a dinner party hosted for some friends who are visiting from vancouver. i was the only single person there and only one of three individuals not attached to a kid. that's cool.

oh yeah, for the record, i made:
1) peanut butter cookies with choc chips - they are so delicious and the recipe is SO easy: 1 cup PB, 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp bkg soda, 1 egg. THAT'S IT! [okay and i add choc chips]. bake at 350 for 10 minutes.
2) coconut cardamom rice pudding. that was good, first time i made it.
3) nasty cupcakes. that i didn't bring with me. they're still in my fridge (along with leftovers of the other 2!) if anyone wants some...

alright so then i went downtown to see if any movies were about to start at the Nick and saw Shortbus. have you seen this film? i walked in a minute or two after it'd started, down the (nearly full) theatre's center aisle to a huge image of a naked guy doing what was basically a yoga plow pose - the one where you're on your back with your feet over your head - straining to get his penis to reach his mouth (eventually he succeeded!). i felt a little like a perv walkin in to a peep show, by mySELF no less. there was more hardcore sex in that movie than in any i've ever seen. in a theatre. it was very interesting and the characters were engaging and the dialogue was so natural - really well written, but there's a part of me that does think the sex got a weeeee bit grauitous. or maybe i'm just a prude. [not that i didn't enjoy it - but you know how it is when it feels like a director is just jerking off a little in his choice of scenes? and i do mean that figuratively in this case] anyhow. i hope i get to talk to someone about that movie soon. i'm gonna read some reviews now. it DID inspire me to build some dioramas, in a wierd way. they had this cool NYC cityscape that was made out of cardboard or something - that made me so happy every time they'd show it, i don't know why. but i thought that would be a cool thing to build: miniature cities. alot of work though, for sure. but hey i'm unemployed, what else am i gonna do. peace out.

call me Master

2006-11-09T14:14:00.001-08:00

ok i'm doing THE CLEANSE. the MASTER cleanse - after hearing random folks and friends and relatives talk about it for the last 10 years. all i drink (or eat) is water with lemonjuice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper in there. and then i can drink licorice or peppermint tea. and i'm supposed to drink salt water in the morning and herbal laxative tea before bed. for 10 days this is supposed to happen. but it aint gonna. i'm tellin ya right now. i'm on hour #4 or so and i'm about to crack. i came into this coffeeshop and ordered my licorice tea and felt instantly MALIGNED that they now (suddenly) carry the best vegan cookies in town (by Black China Bakery, FYI) - they're shortbread cookies tha are heart-shaped and half-dipped in chocolate with crushed pistachios stuck to the chocolate. YUMMERS. anyway, i can't have that. cuz i'm gettin all CLEAN.

it's funny how instantly you realize the strength of your relationship to food. lord howdy. and for that matter - your (my) relationship to EMAIL. it is another sort of sustenance in a way. i sat here drinking my tea all happily, checking email - and as soon as the email was done/gone, i instantly thought about getting a snack. hmmm...

so physically, as a point of reference for this fast and its effets on Ye Younge Body that i inhabit, i would like to note the following conditions as of today:
*severe pain in right shoulder/neck/rhomboid
*consistently-threatening headache -- which is to say, a fair amount of sinus pressure. really sore occiput and pretty tender forehead and top-of-head
*CRAZILY tight hips. for quite a while now
*pretty depressed mindset, to be honest. total feeling of directionlessness. that's a bummer.

yeah - i do NOT know what to do next. i'm trying to be "open" and let my heart answer these questions - cuz god knows the craziness in my mind can't figure this important shit out... although as i just left my friend's house in the mountains, i DID say out loud, to myself "i want to live in the country." so there i go, i suppose. that's a start, i guess.

happiest girl in the world

2006-05-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

today i am so happy. it's one of those days (honestly, couple of days now) where you think "is this even possible? isn't there something i should be worrying about?" (surely we're the only culture that worries about having forgotten what they should be worrying about.) yeah, i'm so... excited and i feel FULL, in a wierd, awesome way. like, i read a book in bed today at 3pm until i fell asleep - and i had no guilt about it. this is something i don't recall having been able to do in the past. there was always something nagging me, disrupting my full-on enjoyment and giving-in to the luxury of it. maybe it's just that i'm in a new town, and that i'm completely in love with my new job. this is new for me, folks. i don't believe i've ever uttered the phrase "i love my job" in my life - it honestly feels too good to be true.

sorry, by the way, about my absence, if anyone's been checkin in. i've had a helluva month since i quit bell. wait no - it's only been 3 weeks, is that possible? so much has happened!! holy crap! the day i quit, we had drinks out, it was crazy, i was exhausted from all the crying, etc. the next morning, i had bkfst with some friends (2 of them coworkers) and they got up at 9 to shove off to work and i got freaked out. ran around town getting stuff to bring with me on my roadtrip (a trip which, until that day at 9am, had not had one thing planned about it, by the way) and i got in my car at 2 and headed north. i think the mini freak-out at bkfst when my friends got up to go to Bell and i wasn't joining them- is to be credited for inspiring me to actually get in the car & go. i had to do something, all i felt was loss at that point.

headed up to Portland (spent one night in Mt. Shasta)

and quickly the sense of loss faded and all i felt was possibility, hope, aliveness. my time in portland was incredible. i connected with my dear friend lisa's friend up yonder and usually those things can be kinda awkward - but she is the coolest and it was actually quite a bit like hanging out with lisa directly! every neighborhood in that town was cooler than the next - crafts and cool shops and fun, open people all over the place. PLUS i got to go on 3 runs right in the city ON DIRT TRAILS. not lame paths through mown municipal parks - FULL ON WOODS with TRAILS! i feel like that city was built for me. AND, i haven't even mentioned (though most of you already know, i'm sure) that it's about as progressive as a city can get (with the exception of the Oregonian, i hear). awesome animal rights magazines come out of there and there's free public transport in the city center and two awesome hostels (i recommend the NW one - so amazing!). ANYHOW...

i drove up to Vancouver to see some friends of mine who used to live in santa cruz - awesome couple that lives such an inspiring lifestyle. he's german and she's canadian and the way they live (riding their bikes to work, recycling/reducing/REUSING every possible thing they can, eating sooo healthfully, etc) totally inspired me to lower-my-impact as well. maybe it's a european thing, i dunno - but it kicks ass. so i had two of the best, cheapest (like $5 US!) sushi meals of my life there - very easy to be vegan in that town as well - and i went on what was hands-down the most intense and awesome mtn bike ride of my life up there (Ned's Atomic Dustbin? anybody?) it was the stuff they have in all the CRANKD movies and in the Banff Film Festival - crazy ramps and 10ft drops way deep in the woods and dry creek beds and ROOTS EVERYWHERE. really challenging and so damn fun. i went over the handlebars twice and i think i'll actually have a little scar on one hand to remember the ride by :). thanks amanda! :) these 2 are also incredibly gracious hosts - making you feel not at all like an imposition (which i fear i do to people who visit me) but seeming completely thrilled to be able to show you around. awesome quality - yet another which i hope to acquire.

ok, sorry this is long. AND THEN i drove back down, with one night in portland (and another incredible meal there - there's also awesome food in that town, for real!), and then hauled it in a day down to santa cruz, totally refreshed & stoked on life. i felt so damn free on the road - you know the feeling - just me in my car with some stuff and i can drive anywhere, meet anybody, do anything. life is good.

so my sisters came to town to run the big sur marathon as soon as i got home and they KICKED ASS!!! beat their last year's time by nearly 30 minutes. who does that!? superstrong, superbeautiful awesome women. check em out.

my folks and my niece and her boyfriend were there - and our time together was so killer. i love those people!

alright - my sister stayed in town for a few more days, we ran around, went wine-tasting, tried to celebrate my bday on the beach but got kicked off by the cops (that sucked), went on a few of my favorite runs together, ate yummy food, hung out and chatted - i was so damn sad when she left. i felt like my heart was broken. i've had to call her everyday since. i love that girl.

okay, and finally, alas, forsooth and anon --- here i am in lovely norfolk VA - where the people are even way lovelier than the architecture and the weather, which is sayin somethin, honestly. my job is knocking my socks off. i cannot BELIEVE i can get paid to try to help animals. AND i get to use some fun skills i've gained over the years in these efforts. it is honestly the best job i can imagine, at this point in my life. i wake up smiling (literally). and i walk home after work grinning like a scared chimp [they are actually scared when they grin, i didn't know that until recently.] oh yeah, and i feel myself quickly becoming indoctrinated, i hafta say. i came in going "Now listen up folks, your shock marketing tactics are only losing you credibility and we need some change around here!" and i'm already going "Right on! more naked protests! more lesbian make-outs in times square! whatever it takes to get people interested in the organization and clicking through the website!" AND, to be fair, i'm starting discussions about initiatives that are a little more in line with the attitude i came in with [i'd say more, but this IS a public venue, i just remembered, and i don't want to give anything up to the ENEMIES.] okay, this is a ridiculously long blog. if you made it this far, you must really love me. cuz it wasn't that interesting! thank you! i love you too!

the deed be done

2006-04-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

so i did it. i cried when i did it, but it's done. after depositing my check (i told you, i wasn't taking any chances - i'm gonna be a PO NONPROFITER!), i asked my (KILLER!) boss if we could chat - and then proceeded to, through shaky voice and welling up (ok yes, and spilling over) eyes, tell him i was giving my two week notice. he couldn't have been any cooler about it.

now it's been 5 days, and most everyone at my work knows i'm going. it is so strange. truly feels like leaping off a cliff. i'm feeling so hopeful about the future - this one that has as its new "centerpiece" a job that i took ONLY FOR MY HEART. this is a new thing for me. i've expressed it to a few friends - but i'll say it again: this is the first time in my life that i've sought out employment at a SPECIFIC PLACE rather than simply taking whatever job was offered to me. this is the first time my life truly feels directed - by me. i have taken over as captain of the SS Jennysue and i feel like a whole new world is opening up for me. i feel like anything could happen. i'm planning on driving to portland and vancouver next week after i quit - a little adventure before my big adventure. i feel hopeful and trusting. this whole knowing-what's-in-your-heart/recognizing-what's-true-for-you thing, well it did not exactly come naturally for me. and this just feels like a major step toward (a belated, i grant you!) adulthood. it's cool, and i'm stoked.

in other news, a crazy guy ran a red light at about 40 mph only 2 cars after i'd passed through the green light perpendicular to his path. he rammed head-on into a stone wall and then went running into a hotel which police surrounded within 5 minutes. scary - timing is everything. i hope that guy is alright. santa cruz isn't that hardcore a town, but it's true - our own mini ghetto is where all the wierdest shit goes down. alright, scrubs is about to start and i need a bowl of icecream. thanks for being you!!!

tomorrow is a big day...

2006-04-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

seriouslY? why WHY do posts get deleted? as you can see it takes a lot of effort for me to actually ENTER something in here - and then when i do, all that heart, all those emotions, all those misplaced-not-where-i-wanted-them-photos -- GONE. so i start again. as i was SAYING... tomorrow is purported/reported/expected to be the day that we receive our long overdue BONUSES. which is to say: it is the day i quit. friends were suggesting a simultaneous handoff of bonus check and resignation letter ("aaaaand SWITCH - i'm out!") that is a funny image, the big arm-X between us. i'm not nearly so ballzy though - i'm gonna hoof it over to the bank, cash that puppy and then come back to drop zee bomb. it's a hard thing to do; i don't remember doing it before (though i know i have) so i guess that means it's never been terribly traumatic. the thing that truly IS traumatic, you see, is that i'm conFLICTed about all this. i know the move is one closer to the real me/my heart/what i really care about and all that - and in fact i DO know that this is the right decision - but shoot it is hard to give up what i got goin on here, people! take this, for example:

this from a mtn bike ride on one of my favorite twisty, crazy-turny trails behind my work (where i run, too, if i'm feeling extra-energetic.) i mean, this job has been GOOD, honestly! i've learned how to develop & market product from knowing NOTHING at all about such things; i've worked out of a Hong Kong office and smelled the toxic manufacturing in Chinese factories firsthand, er...nose (?); i've laughed more and harder in my office than probably anywhere else EVER (and that is a lot of laughs, i'm tellin you); i ride bikes or run in the beautiful redwood forests every single day at lunch. oh yeah, and i live in a great beach town with a great job with a steadily advancing careerpath and mo' money every year. i sometimes feel like a crazyperson for leaving. (and i sometimes just plain feel like a crazyperson, but that's another topic.)

i guess, though, it's kind of like a death. like, it's got to be good to mourn things when they go away, right? it doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you or that you should stay, if you're sad to see something go. emotions get confusing sometimes, for me. luckily, i have the tools (the horrific PETA videos that RUIN ME for DAYS, for example!) to remind me why i would leave the wonderful world of giant-bikeseats-for-walmart. oy. something to bring some clarity when my emotions are all over the map. i've made lots of money before - and the only difference it made was that i paid for gas on roadtrips with my ex-bf and i paid off my car sooner. that's all. money is nothin. it's my PEOPLE that i'll miss. waaaaah.

be prepared for some lonely-ass, regretful-sounding entries over the next few weeks/months while i mourn this loss, mmmkay? [i've just scared off the one reader i have, i'm sure!] wish me luck!!!

lordie

2006-03-18T23:04:00.000-08:00

so. recent events here in the lovely beach town have made me revisit the question, yet again, of WHY I AM SO AFRAID OF RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. and it turns out - its not even religious ZEALOUTS but just religious PEOPLE about whom, before you know their clean little secret, you might even be saying to yourself "MAN this person's cool" or "what is so different and refreshing about this person? i can't quite place it..." and then it comes out, somehow in some way, that they're intensely religious - on some not-so-obvious-at-first level. i have no idea yet why i still freak out at the use of the capital H in "doing His will" and "serving Him" (the gender thing? what, no female gods? wtf?) - but i think i'm getting closer on the whole general-fear-of religiosos issue: Since no one on this earth can say with any certainty exactly what or who God is and/or how any of us really got here, etc. - anyone who declares their god as the ONE god and who judges those that don't follow theirs, kinda instantly becomes an a-hole. don't you think? seriously. i swear humans LOOK for ways to distance themselves from others - to turn other humans (with whom it's an unfathomable miracle you even share the same TIME on this planet much less that you share geography and a language, blahblahblah) into the strangest strangers possible. i think i do it too. OR, there's the urge for us to make everyone else just like us. that's, i guess, the flip side. it's bizarre. how did *different* come to so naturally mean "scary" or "wrong"? we're wierd. and i'm kinda wierd for posting this on a saturday night. but i feel some small obligation to keep this blog occasionally-updated, and this is what's on my mind tonight. oki doki? okay then.

me leave you long time

2006-03-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

sorry about that. i've been BUSY yall! but i was just inspired tonight by the newly-established blog-of-a-friend (started in a library!) and now want to get back to posting myself. having just read through my most recent post, i have some updating-you to do:
1. i am about to sign an offer letter with aforementioned animal rights organization.
2. still vegan, though a sometimes cheatin' one. (the cheatin vegans have GOT to be a band already, don't they?)
3. i'm getting nervous about leaving my work/my people - and a little bit: good money & a burgeoning career.
4. i'm done running marathons for a while and i'm feeling like a porker. my friend (former friend that is) at work today called me Gorda. that wasn't funny.
5. my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in vegas last month.
6. i went to hong kong, china and taiwan for work two weeks ago for 10 days and my head exploded.

details on a few of these: 1 is self explanatory - i've got 6 weeks till i start and am hoping to get to Peru to see a travelling friend-i-never-met-yet before i start. that will be interesting, travel always rules. nothin more to say on 2 - oh, except that i think i'm the only vegan in the history of man to actually GAIN weight after givin up The Cheese. oh yeah, and i discovered a friggin DULISHUS (!) soy icecream tonight from traders - holy crap. 3. ooh, 3 is a big one. see, i'm a social kinda gal - like, a REALLY social one. working with my CATS from HOME will have its benefits - but it also freaks my shit out. i laugh (and hard!) every damn day of work, i'm not exaggerating. these people are awesome. you know who you are kittens - you are the Wind beneath my Wings. okay, that seemed funnier when i was singing it to myself. anyhow - wait, this deserves a paragraph break - this is (i think) a thought which i want to concentrate on by itself:

change is effing hard. maybe b/c life is CONSTANTLY changing - that the world NEVER stops spinning, the light of day is FOREVER changing, plants/animals/people are growing/changing/dying/etc and it seems logical that, as a species, we would look for some consistency - some ritual, yeah? i love ritual. i'm nothing without my coffee-in-a-coffeeshop before work, by the way. anyway - my new mantra is (oh and it's a doozy, an original, prepare yourself): Change Is Good. even change JUST for the sake of change, i think. - but even moreso when it's pointed, directed. and dammit it's hard to lift yourself (myself) out of my current situation. but (!) - i've found a little trick to get me back on track and excited: whenever i think i should continue making bike seats (and holy crap, now that i've been to the chinese factories where they're made, it's easier to see i should get out of this business - but still, i have moments - okay days - of weakness) , i envision an elephant doing a handstand in a circus. or a monkey stuck in some weird machine. and i remember. okay. i'm done. where was i.

4. who cares. there's fat-times and thin-times and no one else ever fucking notices a difference anyway - so that's a supreme waste of energy. 5. that was bizarre. awesome AWESOME to see some fam members i haven't seen in years - i'll try to attach a pic of my much-adored nephew henry and me. (my parents renewed their vows in the shopping mall at the Venetian!?!? and rode the gondola!?!? i'm tellin you, my last month has been SUR-REAL. 6. HK was rad and crazy and i realized i can never live in an enormous city where you literally cannot walk a straight line hardly anywhere. yikes. china scared the crap outta me. i have a lot to say about that, but i think this post - she be gettin too long. i'll let it lie there, yeah?

thanks peoples! xo

2005-11-08T08:44:00.000-08:00

hi everyone, no one - whoever's out there and knows about this (i think there may be two of you.)
it's tuesday morning and i just voted. i gotta admit, i *LOVE* voting. there is something so classicly kitsch about the setup - in some random church with 5 senior citizens sitting cutely behind a card table fumbling through the process of finding your name, crossing it off, and asking you to sign. then you're handed your BALLOT. i love the little standing desk areas with their own personal fluorescent lights - and the big marker. i love the ballots. i love how 1968-school-document they look. i love the sense of completing my civic duty. i believe so whole-heartedly in the concept of democracy. it is so radical and so awesome - or it was in its day. sort of heading back to the ways of despotism, it seems. (i've never used that word before, hope i'm using it right.) i've been REPREZENTIN' with my "NO ON 73!" pin for the last few weeks - and i was actually asked to remove it at the polling place. pretty cool.

the last two weeks have been interesting ones for me:
1. i interviewed with the animal rights group PETA.
2. i applied for nursing school at Columbia University
3. i volunteered with and became a founding member of Helmets for Life.
4. i administered an anatomy lab test.
5. i started volunteering at Planned Parenthood.
6. i became vegan.

it feels like change is entirely afoot. i feel like i'm about to move out of my 6-year-home of Santa Cruz, CA. within 6 months, i should be living in either Seattle, NY, Baltimore or San Francisco (god-willin). i will no longer be Walmart's Bitch - and i will no longer be a 9-to-5'er. it is with some sadness that i will be leaving the marketing profession, as i've discovered i'm quite good at marketing. The whole PETA thing is very tempting. it's a marketing position and i could do it from ANYWHERE (portland OR! portland ME! asheville NC! brattleboro VT! ANYWHERE!!!) - and that is damn tempting, people. but the truth is, i think i need to work in an environment that's not my home. i'm a social cat, honestly. i'd go nuts in my home alone all day. even IF i were being alone for the animalllzzzz.... dammit i love animals. and i don't spend enough time with my cats. shoot, options can be confusing.

so VEGANism. this is a really fun game. i feel so strangely RIGHT ON about this. like, the timing is just right and it is so right for me, physiologically and otherwise. i suddenly have no nasal congestion, and my (sorry) GAS has abated considerably. i've also been eating more and smaller meals during the day - as opposed to 3 giant ones that invariably leave me holding my gut or rolling around on the floor and ALWAYS complaining about my stomach hurting. i'm like a cartoon of a caveman, i swear - like "Urg hit head on wall. Urg hurt. Urg hit head again." doy.

well, i have to go to work - but this is fun. i was inspired to write this morning by the lovely SUMMER PIERRE's blog (www.summerpierre.com). i haven't sorted out how to make links in here yet.

anyway. life feels good right now. i'm off to get my second coffee of the day - not b/c i need one, but b/c there is a CUTE BARISTA in this little coffeeshack near my work, which my friend and i have coined (for reasons you might guess) "Hair Coffee." actually, maybe you're thinking barista-boy has great hair (which he does) - but the fact is that my friend found not 1, not TWO, buT THREE HAIRS in his iced coffee one day. hahaa, makes me laugh thinking aobut it.

OH, and i forgot to mention that i met two ADORABLE AWESOME OLD EAST COAST MEN in my coffee shop here this morning. Henry and Mel. Mel's from Brooklyn and Henry's from Detroit via Baltimore via Fort Collins. i friggin love east-coasters, they are so easy to talk to and accessible. californians...? my jury is still out on them. ok, really - off to work.

jz

rockstar

2005-06-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

well it's thursday night, after 10pm, and you know what that means. or maybe you don't - if you don't know me. it means i've spent 4 of the last 5 hours with my dear dear friend and man it is always amazing and shocking and awesome and surprising in some way. tonight we:
*ate the cheapest, best meal in santa cruz (giant tacos and delicious yummy chips & endless radishes for $3.08)
*watched a mild-mannered and not-at-all offensive homelessy sorta guy get booted out of a cafe for bringing outside food in, while the seat he had occupied (right next to us) promptly got filled by an irritating look-at-me young guy who tried to be cool by refusing to touch the listerine bottle full of tequila the former neighbor-guy had left behind with his hands and so kicking it with his foot instead - just as the #1 guy was coming back to retrieve it. this moment was really depressing and very much spoiled the mood. i'm not talking about the how-sad-there-are-homeless-people aspect, though that's absolutely depressing and wrong -- but the disrespect and i guess disgust that the young guy showed by kicking his bottle... damn, just makes me sad. homelessy guy went on to just quietly tuck the listerine bottle into his pants and very amiably (i gotta say) left the building. dang. bums me out. people are so vulnerable. and people can be so mean. shit. anyway.
*had tea and a sundae at a place with outrageously good chocolate - and tonight, an insanely adorable indian baby whose mom was so chatty and cute too.
*laughed our asses off in the bookstore. i don't know what it is about the bookstore - but we invariably bust up in there, breaking the semi-library code of hushed talking. but my friend is so friggin funny, what are you gonna do?

speaking of my friend: i got issues, people. [not that it's not apparent, but] do you have any friends around whom you feel like the least interesting, least attractive, humorous, thoughtful, smart person alive? i have a little bit of that goin with this wonderwoman. her skin is flawless; her brain is literally a biography library for incredible people in the world and their stories - not to mention quotes from them, fascinating facts about their lives and their loves; she can turn anything you say into the most hysterical BRILLIANT joke you've ever heard (and you're there going "hey, i was right here and i saw the exact same thing happen - how did that not occur to me?!"), she is sympathetic, compassionate, driven - all this doesn't even touch on her wealth of creative talents. it's almost overwhelming, every thursday. it's hard to feel impressive around beautiful, talented, amazing people, isn't it? or am i just a maroon... in fact: the truth is that i am INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to call such a miracle-girl my friend. our time together is so rich, and so inspiring - every single time. she is outrageously cool, and new york is one lucky state - they get her in 4 weeks. dang again.

alright. this wasn't meant to be a tribute per se - it's just what's on my mind/in my heart tonight. i love that girl!

superhuman

2005-06-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

wow. i never ever ever see movies at the cineplex - i'm more of a let's-cry-about-the-holocaust-again or woe-is-me-why-am-iiiii-not-french-and-in-love-with-a-german-guy-in-prague kinda movie-goer. don't ask why. it is wierd, i grant you that. but after a really irritating commute home (3 miles in an hour - woohoo!), and a missed yoga class (b/c of the heinous traffic), i thought better to join my friends jess & ryan out for a movie than to sit around at home with the rain and a book and the cat (though that is extremely & eternally appealing as well). and MAN AM I GLAD I WENT! it's wierd how i think i'm so smart about myself - how i think i know stuff and think i even know what i enjoy or think i know what a movie experience will be like. what a dumb way to live. cuz the truth is revealed to me over and over: i don't know shit.

ANYWAY. BATMAN is my new favorite superhero. not that i really had one before - i never really had any interest. but the coolest thing about batman is that he's just a human like me or you - just with rad gadgets that help him do amazing stuff. and i love that the whole premise is about him facing his fears - i love the imagery & symbolism of him descending deep deep into the batcave, and emerging so strong. i feel cheesy even enumerating these points b/c they're so obvious, but it's all kinda new to me. and so pure. and so cool. i love metaphors - that's what's so great about movies and folk tales and even some tv -- all metaphors for life. rad. okay i have some wierd ache in my forearm so i'm gonna cut this short, but i just wanted to spew somewhere about how inspiring this movie was. not that it was the best-acted, best-filmed, best-scripted movie ever, but there's just something so elemental and inspiring about a tale like that: kid grows a fear, has good role models, grows up to face fears, get strong and make the world better. so simple. so true! i love it.

i'm getting a batman t-shirt. i don't care.
love jen

The Middles

2005-06-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

well here it is again, 10:15 wednesday night, and i'm desperately surfing the internet for some sort of meaning/direction. so far tonight's online activities have included:
*looking for a new apartment
*researching nursing schools in ca, or and vt
*trying to find my favorite jeans on ebay (mine just got their first hole)
*getting a free tarot reading
*reading old emails.

i'm directionless and facing backwards, it appears. not to mention trying-to-distract myself. i hate this habit of mine. what a waste of time. god, my blogs are negative. you wouldn't believe me probably - but i'm actually a fairly positive person. i think i just get all this negativity and crud out of me here. thank god no one's reading. i need to do like my blogging pal has done, and write myself a mission for this blog - it (like me) lacks direction.

i decided on my run today that i have no patience for people [like myself] between the ages of ...say... 15 and .. 57. up till 15, you're still trying to figure shit out and you're still open to hearing other ideas and you're still interesting and fresh and funny and promising. at 57, maybe you start to go "wheeeee" and enjoy the ride. i hope so anyway. it is my experience that old people are rad - they tell cool stories or they know how to do wierd things and they're just chill and not stressin anymore. those of us in the middle - we're just sort of pains in the ass, i think. and we think we're really important. i guess that's the main point. we're sure we're important and our shit is the most important - and it's just boring. kinda like this blog. man, where is my normal self? i am evil on this thing! mental note: never tell anyone where it is.

i also talked to my good friend erika tonight, on the phone. she is a new yorker all the way. she cracks me up. she's having one of those spells i have every... i dunno, 3 months or so, wherein not only can i not remember what i like in the world, but how i ever thought life was livable and passable. i feel all incredulous - like i'd been dreaming - like "how in the FUCK did i think this was a good excuse for a life? what in the HELL did i find even mildly amusing or sweet about any of this?" man, it's a sucky place to be. and despite a really wretched past 3-4 weeks [on the love-front, especially], i've managed not to dive fully into that ditch. though the tires have been slippin a bit, that's for sure.

okay, i swear this will be nicer to read one of these days. seriously, i promise. i need a mission statement. but then i'll feel so didactic and (to use my favorite of erika's words) "douche-y." like, do i really have anything i need to tell the world? does anyone really need to hear this crap? good grief, i am a tornado unto myself. it's like i'm in a play with a lot of conflict - and i'm all the actors. FREAAAAKSHOOOOOWWWW. see what i said about us Middles? we're nuts. we're not worth your time. go find a kid or a grandma.

later that day

2005-06-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

hi. i'm home now, after a beer with my friend don. i'm trying to do something with all the feeling i have inside me. i'm painting a picture and waiting for the brown mass that was supposed to be a flower to dry before i put some pink on it. i am a mess. i guess this blog winds up being a bit more of a complaint section than anything else. i'm always compelled to write when i'm hurting. you wanna know what happened? i fell in love. for the first time. at 35. the first time that i could say unequivocally, anyway, that i absolutely was in love. everything was wonderful - my job was a pleasure, i loved the corporate suit guys in my office all of a sudden - no disdain, i noticed the beauty in mice and dead moths, felt grateful for every single bone in my body, etc. - you know the feeling. well, suddenly (and i'm realizing as i write this that this is probably about the oldest story in the book and that my experience is not at all unique or interesting but hell it is mine) - he takes the love away. all the openness, all the beauty, all the trust he had in me, the faith in us - gone. i was just confused for the first week - and i'm still fairly flummoxed - but i think i'm starting to get it. and i just never expected this in my life. this situation - where i would be trying to lure someone ELSE out of hiding - that's always been MY role. and now i'm the one who just has to throw up her hands and go "well, you can't show someone what they don't want to see" or something.

sigh.

and you may not know me well enough to know that i'm not a freak - that he should feel actually pretty damn stoked for all the goods i'm throwing his way. really.

anyway, i really can't paint. and i can't write. maybe i'll try playing my guitar later - or just read a book. you know i don't think i ever want anyone reading this blog. i am a mess. i distract myself endlessly - with bullshit - i never get anything done. no progress. ugh. stop.

oh man

2005-06-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

i think i am the most boring blogger in the world. and an inconsistent one at that. last night, after spending a glorious evening with summersue [best jr. high slow-dancing re-enacter EVAH], i came home to my friends jess & jen popping by my house to recover a bit from The Drink before making The Drive back to The Home. anyway, after THAT, i was able to log on to summer's site, which always rocks me world (summerpierre.com) - so insightful, so full-of-hope & beauty
***crap, have to go to lunch with the BOSS -- what kinda lunch is that, honestly? it is my FREE TIME for crying out loud!!! more later ***
okay i'm back - and yep, surlier than effing EVER. there is nothing that makes me feel less like the person i am and more heinous in my skin than sitting around a restaurant i would otherwise never go to with three (republican, mind you) men with whom i would otherwise NEVER share a meal, talking about PROFIT MARGINS. WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE? IS THIS A JOKE? AM I AN INGRATE? WHY SO DISGUSTED? alright, chill sister... it's just a job. just doing this for a little while to make some dough. okay focus focus... well, this whole lunch shenanigans only serves to reinforce my point from earlier in this blog -- that i am left feeling, after looking at such amazing sites as summer's and kai's (kaismart.com) and orion's (elenzil.com), that the wealth, the riches in my life are really comign from the wrong place right now. the fact that i can buy a pair of expensive jeans (and when, incidentally, did the avg price of jeans become $140? that freaks me out) or a shirt i want is NOTHING next to the fact that i spend 40+ hours a week (okay, sometimes less) in a grey padded cell. this is all effed up and i don't know exactly how i came to swallow this pill and think this is a fine life - a suitable life - a life i should be grateful to have -- wait, i AM grateful for my life, don't mean to sound like i'm not. oh shit, i have to work and all i want to do is write. i don't even know what my blog name is to tell people how to find it. more later!!

i don't know people...

2005-05-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think i'm nuts. mostly i think i'm getting a handle on things, and feeling clear and like things more or less make sense in my life and that my emotions/heart/etc are also (finally) sort of falling into line/making sense with who i am, and then i just get thrown. i find it wierd, no, painful & wierd, when someone is so completely filling your waking (& often non-waking) hours and thoughts - your heart, and they're not a part of your day to day. this is really hurting me. trying to find a way to be understanding and easygoing while this in-my-heart person is going through a singularly rough time. it's just that i've never felt this before and i want to fall! i want to dance with him and get buried in this love, and i'm not allowed to. it just feels so wrong - so why-can't-i-have-this... why don't guys talk, when they're hurting? it seems like they hole up - and women want to talk and commune and all that, and what a horrible mix that is. i want to understand but man, it's a tough one. alright, fuck these blogs suck. i have nothing important to say to anyone - i'm just too lazy to get my own notebook i guess. ugh.

well, here it is. blog #1.

2005-05-10T23:32:00.002-07:00

it's 11:18 on a tuesday and i'm expecting a call from a beautiful man still tonight and have to get up early early to have simul-solo-coffee-and-writing-experiences with a lovely & talented friend - so we'll see how far i get. forgive the unstructured nature of my writings as i have no plan for this thing. just an outlet, other than my journal. so i've been having a really astounding couple of months - feeling ways i never knew i could feel in the world (yes, it has something to do with the beautiful man mentioned above), but too - so much more than that. i don't have categories for what i'm feeling, lately, in my brain. i told my (beloved! incredible!) shrink that i feel like i'm underwater or dreaming - to which she replied "in fact, you HAVE been dreaming, and now you're awake." this feels true. TRUTH - if there's one thing i'm after in this life, i think that's got to be it. my dear friend has HOPE, and i have TRUTH. i'm annoyingly exacting about the truth (probably only from others) - i don't know what this means (other than i'm a pain in the ass if a friend or relative is trying to recount a story and i happened to have been present for the actual event now being described and they spice it up with some exaggerated details - i have to call them on it - what a pain in the ass!!?? what gives!?!). anyway, i have truth. that's my thing - that's what i've always looked for and that's what i think i find. it's important to me. is this a dumb post? do i have to start a new paragraph?

it's now 11:25 and miel-the-cat is sitting by the window looking REALLY cute. so yeah i was starting to say that i have been feeling so great in my world - loving my life, even my job, feeling so lucky in LOVE, even (you might not know me well enough to know how rare and extraordinary an occurrence this is) -- but today, something felt different. a new heaviness. i couldn't place it, exactly. is it just missing the one so far away? is it anticipation of the end of this incredible sweetness - kindness that i've never experienced? is it hormones? is it just my job making me tweaky and stressy? i came home from work [okay i stopped at a store and bought a tanktop and some cool indian-looking shoes] and then laid on my bed with the kitty and tried to feel what was going on but dammit that's hard sometimes - if you weren't raised with a language for your emotions. anyway, i typed a whole spiel about this but then it somehow got deleted and i don't have the will to rewrite it all. it was kinda dumb anyway. alright, TO BED! thanks for reading!
xo
jen