I can't decide which thoughts and feelings are the biggest right now. But i will say that i am wildly, heart-clutchingly grateful for the relative EASE and PEACE i've been feeling the last few days. it's weird how we forget the truth in the old adage about this too shall pass and all that — why is it so hard to imagine feeling any different than we do at the moment? Every emotion feels terminal. I guess there's also fear involved, which only makes things seem more desperate, more bound-for-hell. in any case (i can't decide if i'm converting to a Titlecase kinda gal or if i should just stick with my usual lc style) - things have shifted. And i get a little surge of adrenaline at even the GALLING ASSUMPTION... life is truly so weird, people.
what helped. for one, the tools i discussed last time. for two, being BUSY. my kingdom for a full schedule these days. i'm unemployed at the moment and boy does my idle mind go to bad places lately... also, FRIENDS, SISTERS, STRANGERS. i have a bad habit, when i'm all raw-and-open like this, of telling every damn person what is going on with me. and luckily people are really nice. but the best people to hang around when my head is spinning out are those that always shock me into some kind of understanding. i'm thinking of one friend in particular. he has a very matter-of-fact style always, and it is damn comforting to hear that man say "Sounds normal," and "It'll pass," with his signature eye-close and wipe-away-turn of the head.
This is not the most inspired blog, because i'm about to THERAPIZE, people, so i'm a bit distracted, but i find also that the other thing that helps is working these tricky mindbits through in a (semi-) public sphere. not that anyone is reading it even [thank you if you do!], but it feels loads more productive, somehow, than simply bleeding onto my journal YET AGAIN. i am feeling less and less certain of the purpose of my journalling. it's one place to work through things, but i am starting to recognize in myself a real penchant for screwing-around-in-one-fucking-place-forever. to wit: 20 years of emotional romantical solitude. sorry, Dave! maybe i should write a Willie Nelson style cover To All the Men I Couldn't Love Before. might be helpful.
i believe that is enough for now. thank you and good night.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
holy hell.
hi everyone. i'm terrified. i don't mean this in my usual, hyperbolic assessment of some new (relatively) trifling work or personal situation. i mean this in the WILL-I-EVER-BE-THE-SAME fright that only a long-denied, wholly unexpressed childhood fear can elicit. turns out, i have never before experienced panic. or at least not in my adult life.* ... but this is something i feel best described by the phrase "bone-rattling." literally, my bones shake. my organs shake. i shake. it's fear. the subject / content of which is probably less interesting than the phenomenon itself. let's just say, in short form, it's about getting hurt (again) in romance. startlingly singular and fascinating, i know! i'm the first person ever! so... the mystery of my two solidly single decades is solved, at least - or on the way to being so. this is progress, i have no doubt about that. but fucking HARD-FOUGHT (and not yet entirely won) progress. mother of god. i didn't know people could feel this way. what follows is not a cry-for-help, NOT YET - it's merely an expression of a new kind of understanding: i now understand why people off themselves. poor david foster wallace. i can't even imagine the pain. i've been reading his "a supposedly fun thing i'll never do again" essay the last few days; the weird thing is that everyone feels connected to that guy. how can someone so observant and warm and hearty and hilarious and weird not feel the love back? how could we all adore him and his thoughts so much [and by association his person] without him feeling this love? what happens in us / to us / between us that keeps all the understanding-magic from inhabiting us or eachother? anyhow, back to my suffering. cuz like i said, that is fascinating stuff.
i've been reading / listening to / talking alot about fear lately. the buddhists compare fear to a dream where, e.g., you're being chased by a tiger and you fully believe it to be real until you wake up and then of course realize "it was just a dream" - and the terror instantly vanishes into nothingness. they say our thoughts and stories and fears are exactly the same, except that it's harder to pull back the shade of fiction, because we live in it and are committed to it on some subconscious level. where we all agree consciously (and subconsciously) that dreams are not real. neurobiologists say that the amygdala, which houses our fear and emotional center, connects only in a one-way street to our pre-frontal cortex, where reaction-decisions are made -- a major superhighway from fear to action. the reverse path, however, whereby we can make decisions and reverse the fear response or alter it by the force of our reason, is only connected by a series of small, bumpy, winding, unpaved backroads. i like the idea of trying to pave this road.
the odd thing about this experience, about fear, is that much of the trauma comes from the fear itself. it's the fear the body reacts to - that's why the raised heartbeat, the sweaty forehead, the numb limbs, the burning chest and gut. which, it usually turns out, is the extent of the negative experience. it's all right there in that moment, when you have a scary thought and your body responds. the next, crucial step, from what i am gathering, happens when you indulge that thought and extrapolate out a life of lonely devastation and perpetual sweating. that's when the mind starts to lose its hold. the purpose of the mind is to protect the body from such traumas, so it comes as no surprise that a "crazy" experience takes hold as you fully experience the fear. your mind is logically arguing that you GET THE FUCK AWAY, but for whatever reason, you're in it. and now your body is in charge, bearing the brunt of the mind's vomit. i never thought about that: fear is the mind's puke. and it actually feels just like that, come to think of it. the mind does not know what to do with fear other than RUN AWAY and protect. this is the superhighway aforementioned. it's instantaneous. it tries to save you.
i've been told recently, much to my dumbly surprised nearly-40-self, that fear is "part of being human. get used to it." somehow i was under the impression that i didn't really so much have any of that. well, joke's on me. some fears are just too big to be unearthed without the help of hormones and luuuurve, turns out.
tools. i have been given a few tools so simple-sounding that you'd almost think they aren't worth listening to or trying. but isn't it always the case that the smartest tools are also the simplest ones? Number One: Breath. When the panic hits, if you can train yourself to be instantly aware of the physical or mental/emotional cues and start to breathe deeply into the belly, you're halfway there. part of the crazy-feeling comes from thinking you're losing your mind, when in fact you've just let fear take over - whose JOB IT IS to get you to run like hell, like we said. so to be able to take a few deep breaths and literally say in your head "oh, fear's here. terror's here. pain is here. hellooooo guys..." makes you YOU again - puts you back in control of the situation. and let's be honest, this is all about control in the end. Number Two: Acknowledge that Love/Life/What-Have-You is larger than the pain and fear you're experiencing. that you, your heart can handle it. Number Three: Tell the scared person (kid?) in you not to worry - that you're in charge now and you know what to do, that a very smart person taught you a very smart system and all you have to do is allow it. Number Four: Use Your Senses. Name 5 things you see, 5 things you hear, 5 things you smell, something you taste (p.s. metal is the taste of fear, i have discovered). this part of the exercise puts you firmly back in your body, in the world, and reinforces that you are alive in this very non-scary room or place, wherever you are. it's a good one. very grounding. Number 5: SEARCH for the fear. look for its remaining hiding place. maybe you feel a little tremble in your belly or a residual burning in your arms/chest or numbness in your calves. the instruction i've been given is to "Let your kind breath touch that spot." Where breath meets terror, terror cannot live. sounds way too simple, but i'm telling you people, it works. BREATH. who knew? all the buddhists, actually.
alright. i guess that's all i have to say on the subject for now. this is quite a trip, an insane-feeling adventure. but i also know that it is leading me down the path to being able to experience virtually ANYthing that life hands me - and hopefully it will even make me smarter to the hidden/disguised fears that have been kind of ruling my life and inadvertently choosing on my behalf for the last 40 years. oy.
*i suppose i panicked a bit in cameroon - my first 3 weeks nothing short of a ghostly dream and me sort of lacily floating through it all sincerely exclaiming to my new international co-volunteers: "do you feel like you're dreaming?"
POST-SCRIPT: my therapist recommends i do a lot of exercise, spend a lot of time around trees, eat alot of root vegetables (potatoes, carrots, beets, rutabagas, etc) and drink "Irish Guiness." no shit. i love her.
POST-SCRIPT: my therapist recommends i do a lot of exercise, spend a lot of time around trees, eat alot of root vegetables (potatoes, carrots, beets, rutabagas, etc) and drink "Irish Guiness." no shit. i love her.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
and hello
**this post was started on feb 9 of 2009 - not sure why i didn't post it... it still seems true - if unfinished.**
2 yearsish since the last post. it is a grey day in nyc, totally my kind of day. a little drizzly and hushed - like a big grey blanket the sky offers with a kindly "i know, i know." i appreciate this. i didn't get much of it in california. all that sunshine feels like a mockery if you have a noggin prone toward pensiveness. there's no NOT going outdoors and NOT enjoying the sunshine and NOT going on a run in beautiful countryside. ok, i'm sort of undoing my own point by listing all these lovely things. it's just that i like the sweet indulgence of a grey day. you CAN drink your coffee indoors and read until you fall asleep on the couch and you have in no way wasted anything. no guilt. i can dig it.
i'm thinking lots of things and don't know what exactly to write about - but i'll start with a short list, for today:
1. this growing sense i have that my life needs more deliberateness. when i think of what others have done with their time on earth, i am amazed and inspired - and reminded that there are as many ways to live as there are ideas about life. that there is no script and that we can actually invent new ways to live. this excites me, and makes me feel open, even just thinking about it.
2. i might open a winebar/cafe in windsor terrace. my friend says its more important to just do it than to worry about "the theme", the look, how-it-will-work, etc. he is smart in this way, and i think i should take his advice and just start.
2 yearsish since the last post. it is a grey day in nyc, totally my kind of day. a little drizzly and hushed - like a big grey blanket the sky offers with a kindly "i know, i know." i appreciate this. i didn't get much of it in california. all that sunshine feels like a mockery if you have a noggin prone toward pensiveness. there's no NOT going outdoors and NOT enjoying the sunshine and NOT going on a run in beautiful countryside. ok, i'm sort of undoing my own point by listing all these lovely things. it's just that i like the sweet indulgence of a grey day. you CAN drink your coffee indoors and read until you fall asleep on the couch and you have in no way wasted anything. no guilt. i can dig it.
i'm thinking lots of things and don't know what exactly to write about - but i'll start with a short list, for today:
1. this growing sense i have that my life needs more deliberateness. when i think of what others have done with their time on earth, i am amazed and inspired - and reminded that there are as many ways to live as there are ideas about life. that there is no script and that we can actually invent new ways to live. this excites me, and makes me feel open, even just thinking about it.
2. i might open a winebar/cafe in windsor terrace. my friend says its more important to just do it than to worry about "the theme", the look, how-it-will-work, etc. he is smart in this way, and i think i should take his advice and just start.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
what have you done?
if the heart is a lonely hunter, the mind is a wily prey. am i inferring the heart preys on the mind? i might be, though it's counterintuitive right off the bat, to me. yes, the heart hunts; for connection, for truth, for beauty. and the mind, it appears, works like hell to keep its human from exactly these things — from connecting to others, from knowing the truth of oneself, from seeing beauty.
i'm no psychologist (or at least a really crappy fake one). i'm just marveling today at my heart's desire to CREATE, to be inspired, to DO — and my mind's subsequent attempts to keep me from doing the very things that will take me there. why do we avoid what is good for us? seriously, WHY?? i think i can only speak for myself and maybe assume an extrapolation that others experience the same thing — but i guess the underlying fear is simply LACK. if i don't first make cookie dough (just cuz!), fold the laundry (that's been hanging dry for a week in my living room, p.s.), renew my AAA and call my mother, then i'll have to just sit in IT. in the unknowing, the potential nothing, on the blank slate. in solitary confinement. but instead of being put in a cell, i'm put in the wide open world. complete with: free time, healthy body, adequate mind, enough money to not have to stress too hard about it (at least for now). basically placed in what all of africa might consider a utopian situation. and what am i to do with all this utopia? how can i possibly create worth out of all this good fortune? i struggle with this "luxury problem" as my sister calls it. the paralysis of parameterlessness. which is total bullshit by the way. i realize it is no excuse for not doing something ("oh, i'm just too LUCKY!! what i need is more STRIFE!") i guess it's one of the weird things about modern industrialized society, that we have to give our own lives meaning - that it doesn't come with the territory. if you are fighting starvation, malaria, an insurgent militia or AIDS your whole life, the point of your everything becomes clear very quickly. and success is measurable by virtue of your living and keeping your family alive. but my POINT is... back to the (relatively minor!) question of creating... that i need parameters. i need to give myself goals, guidelines, timelimits, etc.
anyway, back to the bigger stuff: in the end, it comes down to, i think, one question: what have you done? i vacillate between thinking the most important thing is A) to help those less fortunate or B) to enjoy everything, everyone, everywhere, every minute. i toggle between being enchanted by a moony night walk by the park and devastated by the homeless glue-huffer living through the winter on that park bench. i envy those who feel clear about the meaning of things; the religionists have their whole afterlife to count on, the atheists and humanists live for today. both good options, i guess.
i'm just hoping i start doing SOMETHING. and i hope my writings start making some kind of coherent sense. i guess all i can do is help when and where i can, appreciate as much as possible, and keep showing up to do the work i think i'm supposed to do. to know when i'm distracting myself and to be a tight-bunned school-mistress with my distractor, and get my fingers moving and words spilling. i feel i have something to say, and i hope if i just keep saying stuff into the ethers like this, it will one day start coming out.
i feel i have a lot more to say, this is feeling journal entryish. i just feel sad about lost relationships. that's all. and i feel fearful of future losses.
woof.
i'm no psychologist (or at least a really crappy fake one). i'm just marveling today at my heart's desire to CREATE, to be inspired, to DO — and my mind's subsequent attempts to keep me from doing the very things that will take me there. why do we avoid what is good for us? seriously, WHY?? i think i can only speak for myself and maybe assume an extrapolation that others experience the same thing — but i guess the underlying fear is simply LACK. if i don't first make cookie dough (just cuz!), fold the laundry (that's been hanging dry for a week in my living room, p.s.), renew my AAA and call my mother, then i'll have to just sit in IT. in the unknowing, the potential nothing, on the blank slate. in solitary confinement. but instead of being put in a cell, i'm put in the wide open world. complete with: free time, healthy body, adequate mind, enough money to not have to stress too hard about it (at least for now). basically placed in what all of africa might consider a utopian situation. and what am i to do with all this utopia? how can i possibly create worth out of all this good fortune? i struggle with this "luxury problem" as my sister calls it. the paralysis of parameterlessness. which is total bullshit by the way. i realize it is no excuse for not doing something ("oh, i'm just too LUCKY!! what i need is more STRIFE!") i guess it's one of the weird things about modern industrialized society, that we have to give our own lives meaning - that it doesn't come with the territory. if you are fighting starvation, malaria, an insurgent militia or AIDS your whole life, the point of your everything becomes clear very quickly. and success is measurable by virtue of your living and keeping your family alive. but my POINT is... back to the (relatively minor!) question of creating... that i need parameters. i need to give myself goals, guidelines, timelimits, etc.
anyway, back to the bigger stuff: in the end, it comes down to, i think, one question: what have you done? i vacillate between thinking the most important thing is A) to help those less fortunate or B) to enjoy everything, everyone, everywhere, every minute. i toggle between being enchanted by a moony night walk by the park and devastated by the homeless glue-huffer living through the winter on that park bench. i envy those who feel clear about the meaning of things; the religionists have their whole afterlife to count on, the atheists and humanists live for today. both good options, i guess.
i'm just hoping i start doing SOMETHING. and i hope my writings start making some kind of coherent sense. i guess all i can do is help when and where i can, appreciate as much as possible, and keep showing up to do the work i think i'm supposed to do. to know when i'm distracting myself and to be a tight-bunned school-mistress with my distractor, and get my fingers moving and words spilling. i feel i have something to say, and i hope if i just keep saying stuff into the ethers like this, it will one day start coming out.
i feel i have a lot more to say, this is feeling journal entryish. i just feel sad about lost relationships. that's all. and i feel fearful of future losses.
woof.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
ghostland
hi. i'm in santa cruz now - and boy is it wierd. i mean the town is as wierd or as normal as ever, it's just ME who feels wierd IN IT. it is strange to be no longer a part of something/somewhere/of your friends' daily lives - nor to be a part of anywhere else yet either. very disconcerting for a creature of habit like myself. i don't think i have any new pix for ya, but i'll see if i can dig up an old interesting one. just had lunch with one of my favorite people ever - mr. Don Palermini. he treated me to a delicious plate of tofu chilaquiles at the amazing and undervisited-by-me Walnut Cafe in downtown sc, and then we ambled around in the shady cold and over to the Goodwill - where don bought an old mechanic's jacket with a Hertz patch on it and i bought some slip-on shoes for use in aFREAK. they're a little big, but i saved $80!!
yeah i can't believe i'm saying this out loud - but i'm starting to look forward to the day when i actually WORK again. (horrors!) i didn't think it would come to this - but it is going on nearly a year that i'm work-free. and it is a ster-RANGE feeling. or maybe it's not work per se that i'm looking forward to, but rather the ritual of a normal life - in a place that feels like YOUR TOWN with YOUR PEOPLE in it. i look forward to that. to discovering a new place, one coffeeshop and one running trail at a time. portland?? is it you??
here's a dog that showed up at my brother's house before i left. he was so damn cute and totally adopted me as his new mome in the 2 hours that we were hanging out. i can't wait to have a dog.
oh so i rewatched My Dinner with Andre - a great film from 1981 starring Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory (and ONLY them) wherein they have a discussion over dinner. for 2 hours. a pretty fascinating and philosophical discussion. i'd seen it before, when i was 23 or 24 - and it had new and cooler meaning to my 36 y.o. self. it's fun to simply be a witness to a conversation sometimes - rather than an active participant in it.
alright, i'm tired. i'm headed to social appointment #3 of 4 today, here in a few minutes. i can't wait to have a bed of my own again. it's nice seeing old (and newish) friends, but it does feel WIERD to be in a town that feels like history to you. alright. bye for now.
yeah i can't believe i'm saying this out loud - but i'm starting to look forward to the day when i actually WORK again. (horrors!) i didn't think it would come to this - but it is going on nearly a year that i'm work-free. and it is a ster-RANGE feeling. or maybe it's not work per se that i'm looking forward to, but rather the ritual of a normal life - in a place that feels like YOUR TOWN with YOUR PEOPLE in it. i look forward to that. to discovering a new place, one coffeeshop and one running trail at a time. portland?? is it you??
here's a dog that showed up at my brother's house before i left. he was so damn cute and totally adopted me as his new mome in the 2 hours that we were hanging out. i can't wait to have a dog.
oh so i rewatched My Dinner with Andre - a great film from 1981 starring Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory (and ONLY them) wherein they have a discussion over dinner. for 2 hours. a pretty fascinating and philosophical discussion. i'd seen it before, when i was 23 or 24 - and it had new and cooler meaning to my 36 y.o. self. it's fun to simply be a witness to a conversation sometimes - rather than an active participant in it.
alright, i'm tired. i'm headed to social appointment #3 of 4 today, here in a few minutes. i can't wait to have a bed of my own again. it's nice seeing old (and newish) friends, but it does feel WIERD to be in a town that feels like history to you. alright. bye for now.
Monday, February 12, 2007
volver
hi. i'm back in vegas. somehow SLIGHTLY less inspired and alive and ..good than i felt in santa fe. go figure. but hell - life is GOOD, so i need to quit ma bitchin. i am healthy (hopefully - i just got 4 vials of blood drawn to prove that point - and now my hands have that weak ow-the-keys-feel-resistant-on-this-keyboard-today feeling of bloodlessness. psychosomatic obviously but that's what i'm feeling), and lucky in so many other millions of ways. i don't mean to sound totally silly & spiritual, but here i go (again) (i should just kill this caveat once and for all cuz CLEARLY i AM TOO a flaky californian fruitcake.) but i've been reading a lot of Thich Naht Hahn lately (have i mentioned this?) Vietnamese Buddhist monk - and his writings remind me that damn, every single breath is a gift from who-knows-where and the fact that our eyes actually work is something a blind person would rejoice over forever more - but instead of looking at the blue and the cool shaped clouds in the sky or admiring FULLY the fact that i get to stare into the friggin CUTE MUZZLE of a dog or whatever - i stare at cellulite or a dent in my car and get all bummed. silly misuse of my awesome resource of vision. doy. anyway, i don't think i'm really doing this topic justice. suffice it to say, that TNH ROCKS (i'm thinking of getting I [heart] TNH shirts made) and that i am one lucky moflicker, who needs to remember that on a daily basis.
bud damn, the time in santa fe with Patty was so ... cool. it felt so different from any other time i've spent anywhere. santa fe definitely has its own awesome thing going on, but on top of that, patty and i did such fun things and had such great conversations. AND ! i went to this healer-guy who she sees. which was a total trip. i actually think i had my first truly metaphysical experience there. i'll tell you more about it, if you want to know - but it had to do with exploring my fear of rats. so trippy. and SO COOOOL. but back to the general feeling: in a word, i'd have to say "expansive." and luckily, not so expensive. just for posterity, i'm going to write down the highlights of the trip:
*indian dinner out
*baking scones in
*massage in patty's office!
*healer-guy session
*x-country skiing
*aussie & s. african x-country ski rental guys
*tea at patty's kitchen table at night
*drawing designs with her, for my cafe
*chai at Annapurna (awesome himalayan cafe)
*santa fe baking company - coffee every morning, how could i forget?
*THE HANUMAN TEMPLE. that ruled.
*the gorge in Taos
*the drive back from Taos - we felt all nice & peaceful
*the drive there & back
*falling asleep with my headlamp on, on the sofabed, reading TNH
*beers with lucia
*walking to the shops
*body - organic cafe
*yoga class
okay sorry that was really boring for anyone but me. wait, no one reads this i forgot. i take it back. :)
Sunday, February 04, 2007
coffee heaven
howdy people! i'm writing from what might be one of the top 5 coolest coffeeshops i've ever been in: the Santa Fe Baking Company. it's a mere 10 minute walk from my sister's apartment, and it's got almost everything i like in a coffeeshop, namely:
1. multiple levels. there is a main/top level and then one step down to another level and then another 3 steps down to a little grotto-y looking level
2. multiple lightings. there's a ton of natural light flooding the top level/entry area of the place, and then progressively less natural light/a darker feel in the cavey area. very cool. your light can suit your mood!
3. several bars. there are many little 2-4 person tables scattered about, and then also THREE bars with stools. i think bars lend a very casual, cool feel to a place like this - especially because some of the bars butt up to the sides of the small tables. it gets people chatting and it feels less exclusive and solitary, somehow. i got chatting with the coolest woman the other day because of this arrangement! oh, plus, if you're only having coffee, you don't feel guilty taking over a barstool, the way you do taking up a whole table. ya dig?
4. um, great coffee. and free refills at that!
5. free wireless internet access. [did you know that starbucks charges? i feel like free internet access is almost as much a natural right of humans at this point as oxygen in the air or ground underfoot. i'm sorta kiddin. i just get pissed when i have to pay for it. (and i don't. i read instead. which is probably more productive anyway.)]
6. lots of fun, awesome-looking people. after 2 months in Las Vegas, this is like gold. literally. i would pay just to sit here and take in the vibe of people with wool beanies and open, interesting faces full of hope and free tibet stickers on their trucks. i might officially be a hippie. dammit.
7. oh yeah - and no one steals your laptop or wallet when you go to the bathroom! a just-discovered fact! :)
my drive here was uneventful and beautiful. the almost full moon was hanging over santa fe at twilight as i was cresting the last hill on I-25 on my way into town. a little blurry, but damn the moon makes me feel excited and happy.
and yesterday, my sister and i drove to Taos and saw a giant gorge (the bridge over which which many suiciders jump off of, she told me. it became a more-creepy, less-beautiful experience with that info in-hand.), hiked a little snowy trail up a mountain, and finally found a Hanuman Hindu temple where we drank chai that they offered and sat peacefully before an enormous Hanuman statue and some photos of Neem Karoli Baba - an Indian religious man who looks like he was a damn lot of fun. really peaceful vibe there. it was so nice to even just enter a space that was built simply for the purpose of peace and life-reverence. i guess theoretically this would be the idea behind any church i've ever been in, but somehow it didn't feel the same. felt expansive, instead of the narrowing, strangling sense i'd always gotten in my Catholic youth. alright! that's all i got for today. thanks for reading.
1. multiple levels. there is a main/top level and then one step down to another level and then another 3 steps down to a little grotto-y looking level
2. multiple lightings. there's a ton of natural light flooding the top level/entry area of the place, and then progressively less natural light/a darker feel in the cavey area. very cool. your light can suit your mood!
3. several bars. there are many little 2-4 person tables scattered about, and then also THREE bars with stools. i think bars lend a very casual, cool feel to a place like this - especially because some of the bars butt up to the sides of the small tables. it gets people chatting and it feels less exclusive and solitary, somehow. i got chatting with the coolest woman the other day because of this arrangement! oh, plus, if you're only having coffee, you don't feel guilty taking over a barstool, the way you do taking up a whole table. ya dig?
4. um, great coffee. and free refills at that!
5. free wireless internet access. [did you know that starbucks charges? i feel like free internet access is almost as much a natural right of humans at this point as oxygen in the air or ground underfoot. i'm sorta kiddin. i just get pissed when i have to pay for it. (and i don't. i read instead. which is probably more productive anyway.)]
6. lots of fun, awesome-looking people. after 2 months in Las Vegas, this is like gold. literally. i would pay just to sit here and take in the vibe of people with wool beanies and open, interesting faces full of hope and free tibet stickers on their trucks. i might officially be a hippie. dammit.
7. oh yeah - and no one steals your laptop or wallet when you go to the bathroom! a just-discovered fact! :)
my drive here was uneventful and beautiful. the almost full moon was hanging over santa fe at twilight as i was cresting the last hill on I-25 on my way into town. a little blurry, but damn the moon makes me feel excited and happy.
and yesterday, my sister and i drove to Taos and saw a giant gorge (the bridge over which which many suiciders jump off of, she told me. it became a more-creepy, less-beautiful experience with that info in-hand.), hiked a little snowy trail up a mountain, and finally found a Hanuman Hindu temple where we drank chai that they offered and sat peacefully before an enormous Hanuman statue and some photos of Neem Karoli Baba - an Indian religious man who looks like he was a damn lot of fun. really peaceful vibe there. it was so nice to even just enter a space that was built simply for the purpose of peace and life-reverence. i guess theoretically this would be the idea behind any church i've ever been in, but somehow it didn't feel the same. felt expansive, instead of the narrowing, strangling sense i'd always gotten in my Catholic youth. alright! that's all i got for today. thanks for reading.
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