the deed be done

so i did it. i cried when i did it, but it's done. after depositing my check (i told you, i wasn't taking any chances - i'm gonna be a PO NONPROFITER!), i asked my (KILLER!) boss if we could chat - and then proceeded to, through shaky voice and welling up (ok yes, and spilling over) eyes, tell him i was giving my two week notice. he couldn't have been any cooler about it.

now it's been 5 days, and most everyone at my work knows i'm going. it is so strange. truly feels like leaping off a cliff. i'm feeling so hopeful about the future - this one that has as its new "centerpiece" a job that i took ONLY FOR MY HEART. this is a new thing for me. i've expressed it to a few friends - but i'll say it again: this is the first time in my life that i've sought out employment at a SPECIFIC PLACE rather than simply taking whatever job was offered to me. this is the first time my life truly feels directed - by me. i have taken over as captain of the SS Jennysue and i feel like a whole new world is opening up for me. i feel like anything could happen. i'm planning on driving to portland and vancouver next week after i quit - a little adventure before my big adventure. i feel hopeful and trusting. this whole knowing-what's-in-your-heart/recognizing-what's-true-for-you thing, well it did not exactly come naturally for me. and this just feels like a major step toward (a belated, i grant you!) adulthood. it's cool, and i'm stoked.

in other news, a crazy guy ran a red light at about 40 mph only 2 cars after i'd passed through the green light perpendicular to his path. he rammed head-on into a stone wall and then went running into a hotel which police surrounded within 5 minutes. scary - timing is everything. i hope that guy is alright. santa cruz isn't that hardcore a town, but it's true - our own mini ghetto is where all the wierdest shit goes down. alright, scrubs is about to start and i need a bowl of icecream. thanks for being you!!!

tomorrow is a big day...

seriouslY? why WHY do posts get deleted? as you can see it takes a lot of effort for me to actually ENTER something in here - and then when i do, all that heart, all those emotions, all those misplaced-not-where-i-wanted-them-photos -- GONE. so i start again. as i was SAYING... tomorrow is purported/reported/expected to be the day that we receive our long overdue BONUSES. which is to say: it is the day i quit. friends were suggesting a simultaneous handoff of bonus check and resignation letter ("aaaaand SWITCH - i'm out!") that is a funny image, the big arm-X between us. i'm not nearly so ballzy though - i'm gonna hoof it over to the bank, cash that puppy and then come back to drop zee bomb. it's a hard thing to do; i don't remember doing it before (though i know i have) so i guess that means it's never been terribly traumatic. the thing that truly IS traumatic, you see, is that i'm conFLICTed about all this. i know the move is one closer to the real me/my heart/what i really care about and all that - and in fact i DO know that this is the right decision - but shoot it is hard to give up what i got goin on here, people! take this, for example:

this from a mtn bike ride on one of my favorite twisty, crazy-turny trails behind my work (where i run, too, if i'm feeling extra-energetic.) i mean, this job has been GOOD, honestly! i've learned how to develop & market product from knowing NOTHING at all about such things; i've worked out of a Hong Kong office and smelled the toxic manufacturing in Chinese factories firsthand, er...nose (?); i've laughed more and harder in my office than probably anywhere else EVER (and that is a lot of laughs, i'm tellin you); i ride bikes or run in the beautiful redwood forests every single day at lunch. oh yeah, and i live in a great beach town with a great job with a steadily advancing careerpath and mo' money every year. i sometimes feel like a crazyperson for leaving. (and i sometimes just plain feel like a crazyperson, but that's another topic.)

i guess, though, it's kind of like a death. like, it's got to be good to mourn things when they go away, right? it doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you or that you should stay, if you're sad to see something go. emotions get confusing sometimes, for me. luckily, i have the tools (the horrific PETA videos that RUIN ME for DAYS, for example!) to remind me why i would leave the wonderful world of giant-bikeseats-for-walmart. oy. something to bring some clarity when my emotions are all over the map. i've made lots of money before - and the only difference it made was that i paid for gas on roadtrips with my ex-bf and i paid off my car sooner. that's all. money is nothin. it's my PEOPLE that i'll miss. waaaaah.

be prepared for some lonely-ass, regretful-sounding entries over the next few weeks/months while i mourn this loss, mmmkay? [i've just scared off the one reader i have, i'm sure!] wish me luck!!!

lordie

so. recent events here in the lovely beach town have made me revisit the question, yet again, of WHY I AM SO AFRAID OF RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. and it turns out - its not even religious ZEALOUTS but just religious PEOPLE about whom, before you know their clean little secret, you might even be saying to yourself "MAN this person's cool" or "what is so different and refreshing about this person? i can't quite place it..." and then it comes out, somehow in some way, that they're intensely religious - on some not-so-obvious-at-first level. i have no idea yet why i still freak out at the use of the capital H in "doing His will" and "serving Him" (the gender thing? what, no female gods? wtf?) - but i think i'm getting closer on the whole general-fear-of religiosos issue: Since no one on this earth can say with any certainty exactly what or who God is and/or how any of us really got here, etc. - anyone who declares their god as the ONE god and who judges those that don't follow theirs, kinda instantly becomes an a-hole. don't you think? seriously. i swear humans LOOK for ways to distance themselves from others - to turn other humans (with whom it's an unfathomable miracle you even share the same TIME on this planet much less that you share geography and a language, blahblahblah) into the strangest strangers possible. i think i do it too. OR, there's the urge for us to make everyone else just like us. that's, i guess, the flip side. it's bizarre. how did *different* come to so naturally mean "scary" or "wrong"? we're wierd. and i'm kinda wierd for posting this on a saturday night. but i feel some small obligation to keep this blog occasionally-updated, and this is what's on my mind tonight. oki doki? okay then.

me leave you long time

sorry about that. i've been BUSY yall! but i was just inspired tonight by the newly-established blog-of-a-friend (started in a library!) and now want to get back to posting myself. having just read through my most recent post, i have some updating-you to do:
1. i am about to sign an offer letter with aforementioned animal rights organization.
2. still vegan, though a sometimes cheatin' one. (the cheatin vegans have GOT to be a band already, don't they?)
3. i'm getting nervous about leaving my work/my people - and a little bit: good money & a burgeoning career.
4. i'm done running marathons for a while and i'm feeling like a porker. my friend (former friend that is) at work today called me Gorda. that wasn't funny.
5. my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in vegas last month.
6. i went to hong kong, china and taiwan for work two weeks ago for 10 days and my head exploded.

details on a few of these: 1 is self explanatory - i've got 6 weeks till i start and am hoping to get to Peru to see a travelling friend-i-never-met-yet before i start. that will be interesting, travel always rules. nothin more to say on 2 - oh, except that i think i'm the only vegan in the history of man to actually GAIN weight after givin up The Cheese. oh yeah, and i discovered a friggin DULISHUS (!) soy icecream tonight from traders - holy crap. 3. ooh, 3 is a big one. see, i'm a social kinda gal - like, a REALLY social one. working with my CATS from HOME will have its benefits - but it also freaks my shit out. i laugh (and hard!) every damn day of work, i'm not exaggerating. these people are awesome. you know who you are kittens - you are the Wind beneath my Wings. okay, that seemed funnier when i was singing it to myself. anyhow - wait, this deserves a paragraph break - this is (i think) a thought which i want to concentrate on by itself:

change is effing hard. maybe b/c life is CONSTANTLY changing - that the world NEVER stops spinning, the light of day is FOREVER changing, plants/animals/people are growing/changing/dying/etc and it seems logical that, as a species, we would look for some consistency - some ritual, yeah? i love ritual. i'm nothing without my coffee-in-a-coffeeshop before work, by the way. anyway - my new mantra is (oh and it's a doozy, an original, prepare yourself): Change Is Good. even change JUST for the sake of change, i think. - but even moreso when it's pointed, directed. and dammit it's hard to lift yourself (myself) out of my current situation. but (!) - i've found a little trick to get me back on track and excited: whenever i think i should continue making bike seats (and holy crap, now that i've been to the chinese factories where they're made, it's easier to see i should get out of this business - but still, i have moments - okay days - of weakness) , i envision an elephant doing a handstand in a circus. or a monkey stuck in some weird machine. and i remember. okay. i'm done. where was i.

4. who cares. there's fat-times and thin-times and no one else ever fucking notices a difference anyway - so that's a supreme waste of energy. 5. that was bizarre. awesome AWESOME to see some fam members i haven't seen in years - i'll try to attach a pic of my much-adored nephew henry and me. (my parents renewed their vows in the shopping mall at the Venetian!?!? and rode the gondola!?!? i'm tellin you, my last month has been SUR-REAL. 6. HK was rad and crazy and i realized i can never live in an enormous city where you literally cannot walk a straight line hardly anywhere. yikes. china scared the crap outta me. i have a lot to say about that, but i think this post - she be gettin too long. i'll let it lie there, yeah?

thanks peoples! xo

hi everyone, no one - whoever's out there and knows about this (i think there may be two of you.)
it's tuesday morning and i just voted. i gotta admit, i *LOVE* voting. there is something so classicly kitsch about the setup - in some random church with 5 senior citizens sitting cutely behind a card table fumbling through the process of finding your name, crossing it off, and asking you to sign. then you're handed your BALLOT. i love the little standing desk areas with their own personal fluorescent lights - and the big marker. i love the ballots. i love how 1968-school-document they look. i love the sense of completing my civic duty. i believe so whole-heartedly in the concept of democracy. it is so radical and so awesome - or it was in its day. sort of heading back to the ways of despotism, it seems. (i've never used that word before, hope i'm using it right.) i've been REPREZENTIN' with my "NO ON 73!" pin for the last few weeks - and i was actually asked to remove it at the polling place. pretty cool.

the last two weeks have been interesting ones for me:
1. i interviewed with the animal rights group PETA.
2. i applied for nursing school at Columbia University
3. i volunteered with and became a founding member of Helmets for Life.
4. i administered an anatomy lab test.
5. i started volunteering at Planned Parenthood.
6. i became vegan.

it feels like change is entirely afoot. i feel like i'm about to move out of my 6-year-home of Santa Cruz, CA. within 6 months, i should be living in either Seattle, NY, Baltimore or San Francisco (god-willin). i will no longer be Walmart's Bitch - and i will no longer be a 9-to-5'er. it is with some sadness that i will be leaving the marketing profession, as i've discovered i'm quite good at marketing. The whole PETA thing is very tempting. it's a marketing position and i could do it from ANYWHERE (portland OR! portland ME! asheville NC! brattleboro VT! ANYWHERE!!!) - and that is damn tempting, people. but the truth is, i think i need to work in an environment that's not my home. i'm a social cat, honestly. i'd go nuts in my home alone all day. even IF i were being alone for the animalllzzzz.... dammit i love animals. and i don't spend enough time with my cats. shoot, options can be confusing.

so VEGANism. this is a really fun game. i feel so strangely RIGHT ON about this. like, the timing is just right and it is so right for me, physiologically and otherwise. i suddenly have no nasal congestion, and my (sorry) GAS has abated considerably. i've also been eating more and smaller meals during the day - as opposed to 3 giant ones that invariably leave me holding my gut or rolling around on the floor and ALWAYS complaining about my stomach hurting. i'm like a cartoon of a caveman, i swear - like "Urg hit head on wall. Urg hurt. Urg hit head again." doy.

well, i have to go to work - but this is fun. i was inspired to write this morning by the lovely SUMMER PIERRE's blog (www.summerpierre.com). i haven't sorted out how to make links in here yet.

anyway. life feels good right now. i'm off to get my second coffee of the day - not b/c i need one, but b/c there is a CUTE BARISTA in this little coffeeshack near my work, which my friend and i have coined (for reasons you might guess) "Hair Coffee." actually, maybe you're thinking barista-boy has great hair (which he does) - but the fact is that my friend found not 1, not TWO, buT THREE HAIRS in his iced coffee one day. hahaa, makes me laugh thinking aobut it.

OH, and i forgot to mention that i met two ADORABLE AWESOME OLD EAST COAST MEN in my coffee shop here this morning. Henry and Mel. Mel's from Brooklyn and Henry's from Detroit via Baltimore via Fort Collins. i friggin love east-coasters, they are so easy to talk to and accessible. californians...? my jury is still out on them. ok, really - off to work.

jz

rockstar

well it's thursday night, after 10pm, and you know what that means. or maybe you don't - if you don't know me. it means i've spent 4 of the last 5 hours with my dear dear friend and man it is always amazing and shocking and awesome and surprising in some way. tonight we:
*ate the cheapest, best meal in santa cruz (giant tacos and delicious yummy chips & endless radishes for $3.08)
*watched a mild-mannered and not-at-all offensive homelessy sorta guy get booted out of a cafe for bringing outside food in, while the seat he had occupied (right next to us) promptly got filled by an irritating look-at-me young guy who tried to be cool by refusing to touch the listerine bottle full of tequila the former neighbor-guy had left behind with his hands and so kicking it with his foot instead - just as the #1 guy was coming back to retrieve it. this moment was really depressing and very much spoiled the mood. i'm not talking about the how-sad-there-are-homeless-people aspect, though that's absolutely depressing and wrong -- but the disrespect and i guess disgust that the young guy showed by kicking his bottle... damn, just makes me sad. homelessy guy went on to just quietly tuck the listerine bottle into his pants and very amiably (i gotta say) left the building. dang. bums me out. people are so vulnerable. and people can be so mean. shit. anyway.
*had tea and a sundae at a place with outrageously good chocolate - and tonight, an insanely adorable indian baby whose mom was so chatty and cute too.
*laughed our asses off in the bookstore. i don't know what it is about the bookstore - but we invariably bust up in there, breaking the semi-library code of hushed talking. but my friend is so friggin funny, what are you gonna do?

speaking of my friend: i got issues, people. [not that it's not apparent, but] do you have any friends around whom you feel like the least interesting, least attractive, humorous, thoughtful, smart person alive? i have a little bit of that goin with this wonderwoman. her skin is flawless; her brain is literally a biography library for incredible people in the world and their stories - not to mention quotes from them, fascinating facts about their lives and their loves; she can turn anything you say into the most hysterical BRILLIANT joke you've ever heard (and you're there going "hey, i was right here and i saw the exact same thing happen - how did that not occur to me?!"), she is sympathetic, compassionate, driven - all this doesn't even touch on her wealth of creative talents. it's almost overwhelming, every thursday. it's hard to feel impressive around beautiful, talented, amazing people, isn't it? or am i just a maroon... in fact: the truth is that i am INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to call such a miracle-girl my friend. our time together is so rich, and so inspiring - every single time. she is outrageously cool, and new york is one lucky state - they get her in 4 weeks. dang again.

alright. this wasn't meant to be a tribute per se - it's just what's on my mind/in my heart tonight. i love that girl!

superhuman

wow. i never ever ever see movies at the cineplex - i'm more of a let's-cry-about-the-holocaust-again or woe-is-me-why-am-iiiii-not-french-and-in-love-with-a-german-guy-in-prague kinda movie-goer. don't ask why. it is wierd, i grant you that. but after a really irritating commute home (3 miles in an hour - woohoo!), and a missed yoga class (b/c of the heinous traffic), i thought better to join my friends jess & ryan out for a movie than to sit around at home with the rain and a book and the cat (though that is extremely & eternally appealing as well). and MAN AM I GLAD I WENT! it's wierd how i think i'm so smart about myself - how i think i know stuff and think i even know what i enjoy or think i know what a movie experience will be like. what a dumb way to live. cuz the truth is revealed to me over and over: i don't know shit.

ANYWAY. BATMAN is my new favorite superhero. not that i really had one before - i never really had any interest. but the coolest thing about batman is that he's just a human like me or you - just with rad gadgets that help him do amazing stuff. and i love that the whole premise is about him facing his fears - i love the imagery & symbolism of him descending deep deep into the batcave, and emerging so strong. i feel cheesy even enumerating these points b/c they're so obvious, but it's all kinda new to me. and so pure. and so cool. i love metaphors - that's what's so great about movies and folk tales and even some tv -- all metaphors for life. rad. okay i have some wierd ache in my forearm so i'm gonna cut this short, but i just wanted to spew somewhere about how inspiring this movie was. not that it was the best-acted, best-filmed, best-scripted movie ever, but there's just something so elemental and inspiring about a tale like that: kid grows a fear, has good role models, grows up to face fears, get strong and make the world better. so simple. so true! i love it.

i'm getting a batman t-shirt. i don't care.
love jen