the deed be done

so i did it. i cried when i did it, but it's done. after depositing my check (i told you, i wasn't taking any chances - i'm gonna be a PO NONPROFITER!), i asked my (KILLER!) boss if we could chat - and then proceeded to, through shaky voice and welling up (ok yes, and spilling over) eyes, tell him i was giving my two week notice. he couldn't have been any cooler about it.

now it's been 5 days, and most everyone at my work knows i'm going. it is so strange. truly feels like leaping off a cliff. i'm feeling so hopeful about the future - this one that has as its new "centerpiece" a job that i took ONLY FOR MY HEART. this is a new thing for me. i've expressed it to a few friends - but i'll say it again: this is the first time in my life that i've sought out employment at a SPECIFIC PLACE rather than simply taking whatever job was offered to me. this is the first time my life truly feels directed - by me. i have taken over as captain of the SS Jennysue and i feel like a whole new world is opening up for me. i feel like anything could happen. i'm planning on driving to portland and vancouver next week after i quit - a little adventure before my big adventure. i feel hopeful and trusting. this whole knowing-what's-in-your-heart/recognizing-what's-true-for-you thing, well it did not exactly come naturally for me. and this just feels like a major step toward (a belated, i grant you!) adulthood. it's cool, and i'm stoked.

in other news, a crazy guy ran a red light at about 40 mph only 2 cars after i'd passed through the green light perpendicular to his path. he rammed head-on into a stone wall and then went running into a hotel which police surrounded within 5 minutes. scary - timing is everything. i hope that guy is alright. santa cruz isn't that hardcore a town, but it's true - our own mini ghetto is where all the wierdest shit goes down. alright, scrubs is about to start and i need a bowl of icecream. thanks for being you!!!

tomorrow is a big day...

seriouslY? why WHY do posts get deleted? as you can see it takes a lot of effort for me to actually ENTER something in here - and then when i do, all that heart, all those emotions, all those misplaced-not-where-i-wanted-them-photos -- GONE. so i start again. as i was SAYING... tomorrow is purported/reported/expected to be the day that we receive our long overdue BONUSES. which is to say: it is the day i quit. friends were suggesting a simultaneous handoff of bonus check and resignation letter ("aaaaand SWITCH - i'm out!") that is a funny image, the big arm-X between us. i'm not nearly so ballzy though - i'm gonna hoof it over to the bank, cash that puppy and then come back to drop zee bomb. it's a hard thing to do; i don't remember doing it before (though i know i have) so i guess that means it's never been terribly traumatic. the thing that truly IS traumatic, you see, is that i'm conFLICTed about all this. i know the move is one closer to the real me/my heart/what i really care about and all that - and in fact i DO know that this is the right decision - but shoot it is hard to give up what i got goin on here, people! take this, for example:

this from a mtn bike ride on one of my favorite twisty, crazy-turny trails behind my work (where i run, too, if i'm feeling extra-energetic.) i mean, this job has been GOOD, honestly! i've learned how to develop & market product from knowing NOTHING at all about such things; i've worked out of a Hong Kong office and smelled the toxic manufacturing in Chinese factories firsthand, er...nose (?); i've laughed more and harder in my office than probably anywhere else EVER (and that is a lot of laughs, i'm tellin you); i ride bikes or run in the beautiful redwood forests every single day at lunch. oh yeah, and i live in a great beach town with a great job with a steadily advancing careerpath and mo' money every year. i sometimes feel like a crazyperson for leaving. (and i sometimes just plain feel like a crazyperson, but that's another topic.)

i guess, though, it's kind of like a death. like, it's got to be good to mourn things when they go away, right? it doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you or that you should stay, if you're sad to see something go. emotions get confusing sometimes, for me. luckily, i have the tools (the horrific PETA videos that RUIN ME for DAYS, for example!) to remind me why i would leave the wonderful world of giant-bikeseats-for-walmart. oy. something to bring some clarity when my emotions are all over the map. i've made lots of money before - and the only difference it made was that i paid for gas on roadtrips with my ex-bf and i paid off my car sooner. that's all. money is nothin. it's my PEOPLE that i'll miss. waaaaah.

be prepared for some lonely-ass, regretful-sounding entries over the next few weeks/months while i mourn this loss, mmmkay? [i've just scared off the one reader i have, i'm sure!] wish me luck!!!