i'm interested today in FREEDOM and our notion of it. i think there is a mass .."problem".. for lack of a better word at the moment for all the Gen Xers that i know concerning freedom / options / our sense of reality and fulfillment. we are, many of us, not feeling fulfilled. and i've been giving this a lot of thought lately, cuz i suffer this (truly luxury problem - i acknowledge completely that this aint a real problem in the grand scheme of things) with the best of them.
i have always valued having OPTIONS. hell, it's the american way. "anything is possible," "make your dreams a reality" in the "land of golden opportunity" and all that. i recently read a quote that went something along the lines of "nothing is less motivating / helps you focus less than hearing 'you can do/be anything you want to'." this is counterintuitively true, i think. the notion of having every possibility is something we were reared on, something we learned to keep close to our collective chest. as long as we had options, we were golden. options made everything possible, gave our life a sense of hopefulness and a bright future.
as such, we, as a generation, have tended to KEEP keeping those options open—maybe well past the point when we were supposed to. like, at 18, this is an understandable lesson, and something you want to impress upon a young lad or lass about to break out of the house and start living as an adult. though when i think about it, it seems the world has changed quite a bit since the 80s when i was a soon-to-be-adult. kids today have a much greater sense of the world much earlier, such that nowadays, leaving home for college is no longer the first "big view" into the real world; it's actually the point in time when you can fully start living and inhabiting all the ideas that were maybe just experiments at home or in high school. whereas in my high school, you could divide the student population into more or less 3 or 4 groups (academics, jocks, stoners a.k.a "metalers" as my social studies teacher liked to call the kids in black AC/DC teeshirts and long hair), high schools today are more or less representative of the adult population in the real world. you've got every race/mix, nationality, gender, sexuality, diet, political leaning, artform, athlete and jr. engineer represented. our parents' idea of high school is a quaint and outdated notion born of the 50s, where we are fleshy fresh tabula rossa just taking in information and learning what's-out-there until well into our 20s. today's teenagers know what they are into. many of them know what they will do as adults. there are activists and transsexuals, accomplished designers (tavi) and burgeoning scientists (eva vertes). kids today are free. they learned and saw — and they are experimenting and experiencing well before 18. they got a jump on the whole adult thing.
but back to my generation (sorry, i know, the change is abrupt and not altogether inspiring!). now in our 40s, we find ourselves sort of quizzically looking at our job, our apartment, maybe even our kid or family — and feeling, well, "is this it?" yes, there are moments of contentment, maybe even joy, but from conversations i've had, i sense a lingering idea of the-future's-so-bright — even among my starting-to-grey, starting-to-wrinkle generation. once you hit 40 (which i just did), you realize, as my friend put it "we are no longer the generation where anyone's hopes lie." but oddly, we've carried this hopefulness with us, and we're loathe to relinquish it. because who are we without all these possible, improbable futures laid out before us. we are defined by our ideas of what could be, of possibility.
i've long used the metaphor of having a "whole pie" of opportunity, each piece representing a different avenue, career or lifestyle choice. the catch 22 lies in the fact that if i choose one piece of the pie wholeheartedly, the rest of the pie goes away. ("just one piece!?") so rather than choose a piece, i have sort of dabbled, sniffed, maybe licked the crust here and there, but i leave the whole pie-of-opportunity intact, so that i might revisit all the options at a future date, and re-sniff, re-lick, what have you.
you can see where this is going.
the idea that freedom lies merely in having options is an outdated one. options are the FIRST step in freedom, yes. but the next and most vital step in actually experiencing the freedom of, as i define it, living your life expressed as only you uniquely can express it, is in CHOOSING one of these directions — and moving on it, with commitment. i speak from experience. here's what i've gotten out of keeping my options open: 1) a sense of enormous endless possibility in the (abstracted) future, and 2) a feeling of actual disconnectedness in the actual, realtime world. yes i've had experiences that are enriching; yes i've experienced joy and fun and good times, etc — but the larger experience leaves me feeling untouched, leaves the things i truly care about and am passionate about (for me it's animal welfare, philosophizing, helping others and maybe writing?) sort of unexplored, unaddressed. we are, i believe, largely a mix of reactions to the world around us. the way our chemicals, histories, neurons, observations and intellect combine is truly unique to us, and, as trite as it sounds, no one will experience things just as we do. to express our experience clearly seems to me as true and real and valid a use of our time as anything else — and probably the most interesting and useful.
i like to think of humanity as a giant organism, and we're each cells with our own tasks and assignments. if we don't do our job, it allows the other cells to have greater prominence, which aint balanced, aint healthy. for the system to operate smoothly, cells do their unique cellular thing clearly, and perhaps they gang up with other cells to create an organ with a greater function than any individual cell can accomplish on its own. but the key is that the cell does what the cell most naturally wants to do. one thing leads to another.
i'm not even high or drunk. if you made it this far, you are my friend!
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
mal dans ma peau
well people -
this is one of those challenging times. i have a REALLY hard time being among successful artists — totally secure, cool, hilarious successful artists — and being asked what i do for a living. this is torture, yo. i cringe as i feel the question approaching, and i ask as many follow-up questions about their trade as i possibly can so as to prolong the inevitable. how can i start doing something i actually love? i mean, i guess the science stuff would be something i'd love, if i could ever get around to finishing my degree and doing it for a living. but then the other question arises about ART. i am here with a phenomenal Painter, an extraordinary multi-media artist and Photographer, and a handful of other creatives — and all i can feel is "i want to do that too; i want to create interesting, beautiful, moving, cutting-edge, social commentary in a work of art or literature!!!" and yet, all i do is sit around complaining about how i can't seem to find it in me. this is bullshit. i need to simply DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i don't know how many times i need to learn this lesson from creatives i admire, but i know that's what it's about. i'm just curious: do either of you feel this pull toward creating art when you see great music, beautiful painting, outstanding photos, etc etc? i can't tell if what i feel is simply appreciation (and that this yearning is how everyone feels) or if it means i, too, am meant to express in some artful way. i talked to my boyfriend about this today, and he told me he simply doesn't think of me as an artist, but as more of an analyst. this makes me sad, though it also feels like the reality of things. it's not like i've been creating all my life. i just somehow feel invalid in this arena/among artists, as a non-creator. like: surely you have things to say!? ok, this is really not blog-worthy. i'm just feeling an insane itch to put SOMETHING out into the world that speaks from my experience, as i feel totally inadequate and inexpressive right now, right here. i might delete this later tonight. i just have to post it. woof. i feel like a lame excuse for a human right now. bummer.
this is one of those challenging times. i have a REALLY hard time being among successful artists — totally secure, cool, hilarious successful artists — and being asked what i do for a living. this is torture, yo. i cringe as i feel the question approaching, and i ask as many follow-up questions about their trade as i possibly can so as to prolong the inevitable. how can i start doing something i actually love? i mean, i guess the science stuff would be something i'd love, if i could ever get around to finishing my degree and doing it for a living. but then the other question arises about ART. i am here with a phenomenal Painter, an extraordinary multi-media artist and Photographer, and a handful of other creatives — and all i can feel is "i want to do that too; i want to create interesting, beautiful, moving, cutting-edge, social commentary in a work of art or literature!!!" and yet, all i do is sit around complaining about how i can't seem to find it in me. this is bullshit. i need to simply DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i don't know how many times i need to learn this lesson from creatives i admire, but i know that's what it's about. i'm just curious: do either of you feel this pull toward creating art when you see great music, beautiful painting, outstanding photos, etc etc? i can't tell if what i feel is simply appreciation (and that this yearning is how everyone feels) or if it means i, too, am meant to express in some artful way. i talked to my boyfriend about this today, and he told me he simply doesn't think of me as an artist, but as more of an analyst. this makes me sad, though it also feels like the reality of things. it's not like i've been creating all my life. i just somehow feel invalid in this arena/among artists, as a non-creator. like: surely you have things to say!? ok, this is really not blog-worthy. i'm just feeling an insane itch to put SOMETHING out into the world that speaks from my experience, as i feel totally inadequate and inexpressive right now, right here. i might delete this later tonight. i just have to post it. woof. i feel like a lame excuse for a human right now. bummer.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
a list, some ideas, The Huffer
the thing about writing your thoughts and ideas that's kind of embarrassing — and the reason i don't do it for a living [aside from the fact that no one has offered to pay me for that, hahaaa] — is that it implies this notion of one's "specialness," the importance of what they have to say. i really struggle with this. i don't know if it's being one of 8 kids in the household where i grew up or whether it's just a family low-self-esteem relic [my bet is a deadly combination of the two, urgh], but what ends up happening is this: i get an idea i get all psyched about, something i'm interested in and curious about, and when i imagine writing about it, i'm like "but i only have a paragraph. i don't have a lot to say around this topic. it's just an idea, a curiosity, a whim. and plus, a billion other people have likely also thought about this topic and decided it was too dumb/banal/hackneyed to write about." etcetera. i start to talk myself out of the project before i ever start it. THIS is the kiss of death. the pre-birth kiss of death. dudes, i just got embarrassed about how NAVEL-GAZERY this fucking blog is. i met this crazy cool woman today who was on an old white roadbike with cutoff black jeans and a black rocker teeshirt who does freelance writing and is about to pitch a book on "Slow Fashion" {more on that momentarily - so cool!}, like i forget there's a whole fucking WORLD out there that i'm actually INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT. yet i sign on here and all i can seem to talk about are my emooootions. really it's not that fascinating. ok back to slow fashion. it's a response to "Fast Fashion" - not unlike FastFood, it's cheap and shitty clothing (H&M, Old Navy, etc). the stores where you're like "i like this alright... and it's $9.99... so eff it, i'll take 2." i think this is pretty interesting stuff. and i love that this woman was just like "hell, i'm a consumer and this is a topic i'm interested in. i'm gonna write me a damn book about it." ok, so just for fun, right here, in front of (all! of) you, i'm going to brainstorm a second about what books/subjects i might like to write about. maybe i'll start by blogging about some of them [unless you, fair reader, say for fucks sake no i don't want to read about windburn versus sunburn, e.g. i will oblige!]
TOPICS:
1. animals. cognition, rights, cool-stuff-that's-been-found-out (like that rats laugh!?)
2. the homeless. i actually want to interview a few of the regulars around my house and post their impressions of the homed community.
3. humor-in-different-cultures. i've long wanted to do an international study on humor and language and how it varies country to country. relatedly, i'm interested in language discrepancies between cultures, like i just learned that the tibetans don't even have a word or phrase for "self-hatred" WTF TIBET?? can you get any cooler!? jesus.
4. social experiments. i have a few in mind that i'd like to do, and i'd like to write about them. the current one i'm most excited about involves asking (out loud) people on the subway for jokes - and watching the reactions a) to me and b) to the people who laughed at the joke - what happened next, etc.
5. meditation's effects on health. [there've been studies! and i'd like to conduct some more.]
6. humor/laughter's effects on health. [see above note.]
7. therapy. i dig it, i think that shit works. even though i blog about my stuffed-up feeeeelingsz all the livelong day. i feel waythefuck better now than i did 10 years ago when i started. or maybe that's just aging. hmmm. if i had a twin, we could have done a little case-control thing, but alas, i'm just a lass...
8. nature. how it is a weird metaphor for just about everything else in life, i find. in fact, i'm going to supplant this #8 with a new one...
8. metaphors. how i love them and how i feel like they're EVERYWHERE. everything's a metaphor for everything else.
9. simplicity. i know, those books were all published in the 80s, but shit man, simple is ALWAYS better.
10. maybe i should write an article on "why i just keep talking about opening a coffeeshop and never actually doing it." nevermind.
okay 10 is plenty for now, right? i will push myself a little harder next time (or in my journal, so no one has to endure this again).
what is the point of this blog again? i'm thinking of starting a blog about the homeless. like every couple days i could check in on them, if they're around, and get an update and tell everybody what's new in the life of, for example, the dude i like to call (cuz that's all i know about him) "The Huffer." i'm pretty flippin curious what his days consist of and what goes through his mind and what his favorite food is [which i'd like to surprise him with one time.] the only scary part with The Huffer is that he seems genuinely bonkers. like, he might beat me up or something. maybe i'll start slow and see how it goes. but wouldn't it be kind of interesting to get a peek into the lives of people who are not at all defined by the things we define ourselves by? (home, job, family) - these people actually have very full internal lives, and i'm dying to know what they're full of.
alright. thanks that was fun.
xo
TOPICS:
1. animals. cognition, rights, cool-stuff-that's-been-found-out (like that rats laugh!?)
2. the homeless. i actually want to interview a few of the regulars around my house and post their impressions of the homed community.
3. humor-in-different-cultures. i've long wanted to do an international study on humor and language and how it varies country to country. relatedly, i'm interested in language discrepancies between cultures, like i just learned that the tibetans don't even have a word or phrase for "self-hatred" WTF TIBET?? can you get any cooler!? jesus.
4. social experiments. i have a few in mind that i'd like to do, and i'd like to write about them. the current one i'm most excited about involves asking (out loud) people on the subway for jokes - and watching the reactions a) to me and b) to the people who laughed at the joke - what happened next, etc.
5. meditation's effects on health. [there've been studies! and i'd like to conduct some more.]
6. humor/laughter's effects on health. [see above note.]
7. therapy. i dig it, i think that shit works. even though i blog about my stuffed-up feeeeelingsz all the livelong day. i feel waythefuck better now than i did 10 years ago when i started. or maybe that's just aging. hmmm. if i had a twin, we could have done a little case-control thing, but alas, i'm just a lass...
8. nature. how it is a weird metaphor for just about everything else in life, i find. in fact, i'm going to supplant this #8 with a new one...
8. metaphors. how i love them and how i feel like they're EVERYWHERE. everything's a metaphor for everything else.
9. simplicity. i know, those books were all published in the 80s, but shit man, simple is ALWAYS better.
10. maybe i should write an article on "why i just keep talking about opening a coffeeshop and never actually doing it." nevermind.
okay 10 is plenty for now, right? i will push myself a little harder next time (or in my journal, so no one has to endure this again).
what is the point of this blog again? i'm thinking of starting a blog about the homeless. like every couple days i could check in on them, if they're around, and get an update and tell everybody what's new in the life of, for example, the dude i like to call (cuz that's all i know about him) "The Huffer." i'm pretty flippin curious what his days consist of and what goes through his mind and what his favorite food is [which i'd like to surprise him with one time.] the only scary part with The Huffer is that he seems genuinely bonkers. like, he might beat me up or something. maybe i'll start slow and see how it goes. but wouldn't it be kind of interesting to get a peek into the lives of people who are not at all defined by the things we define ourselves by? (home, job, family) - these people actually have very full internal lives, and i'm dying to know what they're full of.
alright. thanks that was fun.
xo
Monday, April 19, 2010
i need a job
hi.
i think busy-ness makes me more productive. i think this is one of those things everyone generally acknowledges - that structure makes productivity easier. it's easier to squeeze things-you-want in around things-you-need than to simply create what you want on a blank canvas of life. as my friend ben once put it: "the more you do, the more you do." word.
i had these visions, pre-unemployment, of myriad art and craft projects, apartment-paintings, meditation retreats, midweek museum-tours, READING (oh the reading i would do!), sewing classes! pottery classes! screenprinting classes! i'd learn italian!, etc that i'd do with all that free time. alas. here's more or less what i've done:
i think busy-ness makes me more productive. i think this is one of those things everyone generally acknowledges - that structure makes productivity easier. it's easier to squeeze things-you-want in around things-you-need than to simply create what you want on a blank canvas of life. as my friend ben once put it: "the more you do, the more you do." word.
i had these visions, pre-unemployment, of myriad art and craft projects, apartment-paintings, meditation retreats, midweek museum-tours, READING (oh the reading i would do!), sewing classes! pottery classes! screenprinting classes! i'd learn italian!, etc that i'd do with all that free time. alas. here's more or less what i've done:
- got me a boyfriend
- started meditating (regularly!)
- went to germany and israel
- went to a california wedding
- ... ?
- oh - started a Masters program
- applied for one beeellion jobs, to no avail
- tried to sue my old boss
- ... um... read a LITTLE
- contributed RARELY to this blog
- went to costa rica for a week with said boyfriend
- what the hell else have i done?
- watched a LOT of movies. noteably: The Host, With a Friend Like Harry, ...
- oh yeah - i've listened to a lot of NPR and read a lot of online news crap
- i exercised alot in the early days of UE, but i resolved in 2010 to Create More & Exercise Less, so now i'm fatter - and dammit - no more creative! sheet.
you see my point? i am not really ACCOMPLISHING anything. i wonder if other people have had luck establishing some sort of ritual in the face of emptiness. i know this is key - every artist or productive person i've ever talked to about this says its just a matter of SHOWING UP, of creating a ritual, making a habit, etc. why is that so hard? i love ritual! you'd think i'd thrill to create my own - totally free of the constraints of any corporation's schedule! but alas, i just sleep in, hang out chez boyfriend, watch a lot of movies (oh - i have to add that to the list).
ok - i need to go to class. i'm taking epidemiology this semester - easily my favorite class so far. i like where science and philosophy/concepts meet.
what is the point of these blogs? the question remains. the next one will be more inspired, je swear...
Monday, March 29, 2010
TMoL
this post, lady and germ, is about The Meaning of Life. or today's thoughts on the topic, at least. i have an idea that the point of all life, if there is one [i don't mean in a "divinely prophecied" kind of way so much as a what's-most-natural/what-makes-sense-given-the-seeming-senselessness-of-it-all kind of way] has to do with purest, truest SELF-ness.
nature never lies. animals [with whom we begrudgingly share that title] are THEMSELVES, purely and simply. a chicken pecks around in the dirt, with no great regard for its purpose or for the image it projects in the minds of other chickens — it is simply exhibiting / being / enjoying its utmost chickenness. of course we can loop into the discussion the idea that the chicken is concerned on a greater level with species survival, and that dirt-pecking is exactly what's needed to keep chickens chickening for generations to come. and we'd be right. same too with humans, i think. as we are animals, we are also primarily, cellularly, interested in propagation of the species, and maybe by following our urges to do the things we most love doing, by getting our brains & bodies all excited/entertained in the particular way that suits us as individuals, we too are making our own gene-propagation a little more progressive. our added consciousness (above that of animals i mean) makes this strategy more interesting than simply a question of Strongest / Most Attractive / Most Fertile. we can actually make conscientious, kind, good-for-all-species decisions, rather than just for our own. every creature, everywhere, can benefit. rather than just the melee of species duking it out for domination, the conscious folks can assess the situation, decide what's likely to do the most/least damage to the planet and all species in general, and act accordingly.
the question would arise, i think, 'what about the people who enjoy killing other humans or raping small boys who help light incense at mass, etc?' — to which i think the obvious response is that this theory is based on a preconception of the humans under discussion being as free from this sort of psychological problem as possible. and ideally humans would help humans who are this screwy to unscrew themselves and be able to contribute better, etc etc. this is a bigger topic... but, i have to say in defense of the rapey (blowjobby?) priests, this seems to me more of a cultural problem than a personal psychological one. but it's a perfect example of a time when we can assess our situation and revise our worldwide strategy, right?
so the point, if i'm not belaboring this one to death, I THINK, is that the trick of life is to discover our ultimate USness, your YOUness, my MEness — and to act accordingly. something weird has happened in our culture over the past bunch of years to make this a bit harder, though, and i think television has made this effect grow exponentially. people, as social creatures (like all apes and many animals), care what others think of them. it makes sense, again, for propagation of the species purposes. but something has happened in us where we are so concerned [and i speak from experience!!! intense experience!!] with the perception of us that it almost eclipses the reality of us. or that we BECOME the perception or something like this. i think tv [and i do love it - don't get me wrong] has turned us into GAZERS and people who feel/are GAZED UPON, as opposed to BE-ers and DO-ers. (i am borrowing that phrase from the late great David Foster Wallace, to be fair.) tv has become the arbiter of worth, and our personalities have stepped in line, offering the world of viewers, watchers, judgers a version of ourselves that we feel will be favorable, given the context of all the other stuff we gaze at on the tube. i only bring this up because i think this [and its all really obvious i'm just talking it all out for fun] might be why and how it's become difficult to connect anymore with our own sense of our us-ness. and therefore, our sense of purpose.
the end.
to a possibly really silly entry.
nature never lies. animals [with whom we begrudgingly share that title] are THEMSELVES, purely and simply. a chicken pecks around in the dirt, with no great regard for its purpose or for the image it projects in the minds of other chickens — it is simply exhibiting / being / enjoying its utmost chickenness. of course we can loop into the discussion the idea that the chicken is concerned on a greater level with species survival, and that dirt-pecking is exactly what's needed to keep chickens chickening for generations to come. and we'd be right. same too with humans, i think. as we are animals, we are also primarily, cellularly, interested in propagation of the species, and maybe by following our urges to do the things we most love doing, by getting our brains & bodies all excited/entertained in the particular way that suits us as individuals, we too are making our own gene-propagation a little more progressive. our added consciousness (above that of animals i mean) makes this strategy more interesting than simply a question of Strongest / Most Attractive / Most Fertile. we can actually make conscientious, kind, good-for-all-species decisions, rather than just for our own. every creature, everywhere, can benefit. rather than just the melee of species duking it out for domination, the conscious folks can assess the situation, decide what's likely to do the most/least damage to the planet and all species in general, and act accordingly.
the question would arise, i think, 'what about the people who enjoy killing other humans or raping small boys who help light incense at mass, etc?' — to which i think the obvious response is that this theory is based on a preconception of the humans under discussion being as free from this sort of psychological problem as possible. and ideally humans would help humans who are this screwy to unscrew themselves and be able to contribute better, etc etc. this is a bigger topic... but, i have to say in defense of the rapey (blowjobby?) priests, this seems to me more of a cultural problem than a personal psychological one. but it's a perfect example of a time when we can assess our situation and revise our worldwide strategy, right?
so the point, if i'm not belaboring this one to death, I THINK, is that the trick of life is to discover our ultimate USness, your YOUness, my MEness — and to act accordingly. something weird has happened in our culture over the past bunch of years to make this a bit harder, though, and i think television has made this effect grow exponentially. people, as social creatures (like all apes and many animals), care what others think of them. it makes sense, again, for propagation of the species purposes. but something has happened in us where we are so concerned [and i speak from experience!!! intense experience!!] with the perception of us that it almost eclipses the reality of us. or that we BECOME the perception or something like this. i think tv [and i do love it - don't get me wrong] has turned us into GAZERS and people who feel/are GAZED UPON, as opposed to BE-ers and DO-ers. (i am borrowing that phrase from the late great David Foster Wallace, to be fair.) tv has become the arbiter of worth, and our personalities have stepped in line, offering the world of viewers, watchers, judgers a version of ourselves that we feel will be favorable, given the context of all the other stuff we gaze at on the tube. i only bring this up because i think this [and its all really obvious i'm just talking it all out for fun] might be why and how it's become difficult to connect anymore with our own sense of our us-ness. and therefore, our sense of purpose.
the end.
to a possibly really silly entry.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
habits
hi. trying out a new font. WHICH, i just realized, is very appropriate, given the topic i want to write about today: Habits, and changing them.
“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”- Mark Twain
(just found that online when i googled "changing habits." but i think before i explore further online, i should just discuss what i'm thinking this morning.)
i have a feeling humans are largely made of HABITS. we make some deliberate decisions, yes, but these seem to be nested in a much larger, much deeper and more insidious house of habitual behavior and thinking. in fact, it's the thinking element i'm most interested in right now. i am very curious if anyone out there [you know who you are, you two!] has ever had any luck in changing a mental habit — a persistent belief you'd had that you suddenly one day decided was A) not true or B) not helpful any longer. and you went about changing it? and did you use specific steps? did you succeed? did it take a long time? i am so curious about this topic; i wonder what would be possible if we could alter lifelong perceptions of how/who we are, how/who others are, what anything means.
i've read that it takes 21 days to change a habit — not sure if this applies only to things like exercise, quitting smoking, etc — but it's interesting to ponder that we could change ANYTHING about ourselves in 21 days. like, what if, instead of endlessly TALKING about starting a damn coffeeshop [which, my broad audience may be aware, i've done for, oh, about 15 years], i actually did some work toward it for 21 days. on day 22, would something magically happen, something change that turned this notion into a reality or this "experiment" into a fact / a bonafide intention?
people often say that "changing is hard." and while i can acknowledge and agree with this on one level, because it "doesn't come naturally" (i'm into "quotes" today), i also think it's often not so difficult to CHANGE, so much as difficult to REMEMBER to change. it's the old ribbon-on-the-finger thing. we are creatures of habit, and as such, do some things / think some ways almost automatically. we've created the neural pathways (i'm back on that - holyshit, did i already write this same post and i forgot about it? hopefully it's tangential enough to not be totally reiterative and boring), and we just truck-on-down these highways, endlessly, usually with similar results to before. yeah - i think the real key is the awareness of the thing you want to change. THAT's the hard part — not the changing itself. this is a slippery bit to contemplate, we're so accustomed to thinking of behavior change itself as hard.
anyhow. that's probably about enough on this topic. i'd seriously love to hear about anyone's experiences with changing mental behavior (or even non-mental!).
Thanks Everybody!
post-script: i read online, and i think this seems smart and plausible, that stopping a behavior is good but REPLACING that behavior with another, more desirable one, is even better. this seems like a good idea, because where is your mind to go when you remove the undesirable idea? you have to give it a place to rest, right? what's a good metaphor ... i can't think of one just now.... maybe next time. i hope you have inspiring mental-habit-change stories for me!!
“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”- Mark Twain
(just found that online when i googled "changing habits." but i think before i explore further online, i should just discuss what i'm thinking this morning.)
i have a feeling humans are largely made of HABITS. we make some deliberate decisions, yes, but these seem to be nested in a much larger, much deeper and more insidious house of habitual behavior and thinking. in fact, it's the thinking element i'm most interested in right now. i am very curious if anyone out there [you know who you are, you two!] has ever had any luck in changing a mental habit — a persistent belief you'd had that you suddenly one day decided was A) not true or B) not helpful any longer. and you went about changing it? and did you use specific steps? did you succeed? did it take a long time? i am so curious about this topic; i wonder what would be possible if we could alter lifelong perceptions of how/who we are, how/who others are, what anything means.
i've read that it takes 21 days to change a habit — not sure if this applies only to things like exercise, quitting smoking, etc — but it's interesting to ponder that we could change ANYTHING about ourselves in 21 days. like, what if, instead of endlessly TALKING about starting a damn coffeeshop [which, my broad audience may be aware, i've done for, oh, about 15 years], i actually did some work toward it for 21 days. on day 22, would something magically happen, something change that turned this notion into a reality or this "experiment" into a fact / a bonafide intention?
people often say that "changing is hard." and while i can acknowledge and agree with this on one level, because it "doesn't come naturally" (i'm into "quotes" today), i also think it's often not so difficult to CHANGE, so much as difficult to REMEMBER to change. it's the old ribbon-on-the-finger thing. we are creatures of habit, and as such, do some things / think some ways almost automatically. we've created the neural pathways (i'm back on that - holyshit, did i already write this same post and i forgot about it? hopefully it's tangential enough to not be totally reiterative and boring), and we just truck-on-down these highways, endlessly, usually with similar results to before. yeah - i think the real key is the awareness of the thing you want to change. THAT's the hard part — not the changing itself. this is a slippery bit to contemplate, we're so accustomed to thinking of behavior change itself as hard.
anyhow. that's probably about enough on this topic. i'd seriously love to hear about anyone's experiences with changing mental behavior (or even non-mental!).
Thanks Everybody!
post-script: i read online, and i think this seems smart and plausible, that stopping a behavior is good but REPLACING that behavior with another, more desirable one, is even better. this seems like a good idea, because where is your mind to go when you remove the undesirable idea? you have to give it a place to rest, right? what's a good metaphor ... i can't think of one just now.... maybe next time. i hope you have inspiring mental-habit-change stories for me!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
RANT!!!
sorry to unleash this on all (2 of) yall, but WTF IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD THAT NO ONE CAN DO THEIR JOB AND/OR TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUCKING AT WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO? i think i am officially an old bitter bastard, because i swear my aunts and uncles bitched this very same thing when i was a kid. i'm just going nuts. today's installment: The company who owes you $20k declares bankruptcy and says "sorry" for being unable to pay outstanding debts, and, relatedly, the county clerk lost the affidavit you hand-fucking-carried to them a month ago, proving you served a summons to said shithead now-bankrupting company.
like, if your only damn job is to stamp an affidavit when someone hands it to you and file it in a g.d. drawer, why are they paying you a salary when you DIDN'T FILE IT IN A DRAWER? and why do you have ZERO REMORSE about it? honestly, i am flummoxed. i feel like the world doesn't make any sense when shit like this happens. it's akin, in my mind, to someone just randomly driving on the lefthand side of the road, or cutting in front of you in line and being like "yep, i did." no excuses, no logic, no nothing. i feel like saying "GO LIVE ON MARS, WEIRDO." but don't keep working at the fucking clerk's office.
and i'm done. thank you. eff!
in other news, life is very very decent. I'm as-yet jobless, but getting to focus, in the meantime, on cool stuff like trying-to-become-a-calmer-person (meditation) and at-long-last-uncovering-my-creative-medium (writing). i'm totally committed to these two things, right now. i have a ton of ideas about the first of these two endeavors - and i'm hoping to communicate them via the second. boulderhomecook made a good point, after my last post: namely, that PRACTICE is really the key (and i'm carrying this truth into my two new "commitments" mentioned above) and that - right - writing is also about saying something that might not necessarily have a place for expression in your own, normal, day-to-day world. it's a place to go a little poetic and soft and adventurous, rather than the standard hard-edged, goal-driven approach that dominates most of life and its writing.
i'm hoping my blog turns into something that has a distinctive perspective. i'm sort of just ranting and journalling on here so far. sharing experiences. which, honestly, isn't terribly interesting, i think. i've at least determined that, AS A WRITER (he-hem! i am trying out calling myself that), i am, at least now, more of a non-fiction kinda writer. i love reading fiction, but i really want to talk about ideas and philosophy and life/reality when i write. maybe this just means i'm less well-adjusted than fiction writers and i'm desperately trying to make sense of all of this. which is totally true, who am i kidding - i find life to be a totally bizarre and nonsensical experience.
et voila.
xo
like, if your only damn job is to stamp an affidavit when someone hands it to you and file it in a g.d. drawer, why are they paying you a salary when you DIDN'T FILE IT IN A DRAWER? and why do you have ZERO REMORSE about it? honestly, i am flummoxed. i feel like the world doesn't make any sense when shit like this happens. it's akin, in my mind, to someone just randomly driving on the lefthand side of the road, or cutting in front of you in line and being like "yep, i did." no excuses, no logic, no nothing. i feel like saying "GO LIVE ON MARS, WEIRDO." but don't keep working at the fucking clerk's office.
and i'm done. thank you. eff!
in other news, life is very very decent. I'm as-yet jobless, but getting to focus, in the meantime, on cool stuff like trying-to-become-a-calmer-person (meditation) and at-long-last-uncovering-my-creative-medium (writing). i'm totally committed to these two things, right now. i have a ton of ideas about the first of these two endeavors - and i'm hoping to communicate them via the second. boulderhomecook made a good point, after my last post: namely, that PRACTICE is really the key (and i'm carrying this truth into my two new "commitments" mentioned above) and that - right - writing is also about saying something that might not necessarily have a place for expression in your own, normal, day-to-day world. it's a place to go a little poetic and soft and adventurous, rather than the standard hard-edged, goal-driven approach that dominates most of life and its writing.
i'm hoping my blog turns into something that has a distinctive perspective. i'm sort of just ranting and journalling on here so far. sharing experiences. which, honestly, isn't terribly interesting, i think. i've at least determined that, AS A WRITER (he-hem! i am trying out calling myself that), i am, at least now, more of a non-fiction kinda writer. i love reading fiction, but i really want to talk about ideas and philosophy and life/reality when i write. maybe this just means i'm less well-adjusted than fiction writers and i'm desperately trying to make sense of all of this. which is totally true, who am i kidding - i find life to be a totally bizarre and nonsensical experience.
et voila.
xo
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