i don't know people...

sometimes i think i'm nuts. mostly i think i'm getting a handle on things, and feeling clear and like things more or less make sense in my life and that my emotions/heart/etc are also (finally) sort of falling into line/making sense with who i am, and then i just get thrown. i find it wierd, no, painful & wierd, when someone is so completely filling your waking (& often non-waking) hours and thoughts - your heart, and they're not a part of your day to day. this is really hurting me. trying to find a way to be understanding and easygoing while this in-my-heart person is going through a singularly rough time. it's just that i've never felt this before and i want to fall! i want to dance with him and get buried in this love, and i'm not allowed to. it just feels so wrong - so why-can't-i-have-this... why don't guys talk, when they're hurting? it seems like they hole up - and women want to talk and commune and all that, and what a horrible mix that is. i want to understand but man, it's a tough one. alright, fuck these blogs suck. i have nothing important to say to anyone - i'm just too lazy to get my own notebook i guess. ugh.

well, here it is. blog #1.

it's 11:18 on a tuesday and i'm expecting a call from a beautiful man still tonight and have to get up early early to have simul-solo-coffee-and-writing-experiences with a lovely & talented friend - so we'll see how far i get. forgive the unstructured nature of my writings as i have no plan for this thing. just an outlet, other than my journal. so i've been having a really astounding couple of months - feeling ways i never knew i could feel in the world (yes, it has something to do with the beautiful man mentioned above), but too - so much more than that. i don't have categories for what i'm feeling, lately, in my brain. i told my (beloved! incredible!) shrink that i feel like i'm underwater or dreaming - to which she replied "in fact, you HAVE been dreaming, and now you're awake." this feels true. TRUTH - if there's one thing i'm after in this life, i think that's got to be it. my dear friend has HOPE, and i have TRUTH. i'm annoyingly exacting about the truth (probably only from others) - i don't know what this means (other than i'm a pain in the ass if a friend or relative is trying to recount a story and i happened to have been present for the actual event now being described and they spice it up with some exaggerated details - i have to call them on it - what a pain in the ass!!?? what gives!?!). anyway, i have truth. that's my thing - that's what i've always looked for and that's what i think i find. it's important to me. is this a dumb post? do i have to start a new paragraph?

it's now 11:25 and miel-the-cat is sitting by the window looking REALLY cute. so yeah i was starting to say that i have been feeling so great in my world - loving my life, even my job, feeling so lucky in LOVE, even (you might not know me well enough to know how rare and extraordinary an occurrence this is) -- but today, something felt different. a new heaviness. i couldn't place it, exactly. is it just missing the one so far away? is it anticipation of the end of this incredible sweetness - kindness that i've never experienced? is it hormones? is it just my job making me tweaky and stressy? i came home from work [okay i stopped at a store and bought a tanktop and some cool indian-looking shoes] and then laid on my bed with the kitty and tried to feel what was going on but dammit that's hard sometimes - if you weren't raised with a language for your emotions. anyway, i typed a whole spiel about this but then it somehow got deleted and i don't have the will to rewrite it all. it was kinda dumb anyway. alright, TO BED! thanks for reading!
xo
jen