i don't know people...

sometimes i think i'm nuts. mostly i think i'm getting a handle on things, and feeling clear and like things more or less make sense in my life and that my emotions/heart/etc are also (finally) sort of falling into line/making sense with who i am, and then i just get thrown. i find it wierd, no, painful & wierd, when someone is so completely filling your waking (& often non-waking) hours and thoughts - your heart, and they're not a part of your day to day. this is really hurting me. trying to find a way to be understanding and easygoing while this in-my-heart person is going through a singularly rough time. it's just that i've never felt this before and i want to fall! i want to dance with him and get buried in this love, and i'm not allowed to. it just feels so wrong - so why-can't-i-have-this... why don't guys talk, when they're hurting? it seems like they hole up - and women want to talk and commune and all that, and what a horrible mix that is. i want to understand but man, it's a tough one. alright, fuck these blogs suck. i have nothing important to say to anyone - i'm just too lazy to get my own notebook i guess. ugh.