I can't decide which thoughts and feelings are the biggest right now. But i will say that i am wildly, heart-clutchingly grateful for the relative EASE and PEACE i've been feeling the last few days. it's weird how we forget the truth in the old adage about this too shall pass and all that — why is it so hard to imagine feeling any different than we do at the moment? Every emotion feels terminal. I guess there's also fear involved, which only makes things seem more desperate, more bound-for-hell. in any case (i can't decide if i'm converting to a Titlecase kinda gal or if i should just stick with my usual lc style) - things have shifted. And i get a little surge of adrenaline at even the GALLING ASSUMPTION... life is truly so weird, people.
what helped. for one, the tools i discussed last time. for two, being BUSY. my kingdom for a full schedule these days. i'm unemployed at the moment and boy does my idle mind go to bad places lately... also, FRIENDS, SISTERS, STRANGERS. i have a bad habit, when i'm all raw-and-open like this, of telling every damn person what is going on with me. and luckily people are really nice. but the best people to hang around when my head is spinning out are those that always shock me into some kind of understanding. i'm thinking of one friend in particular. he has a very matter-of-fact style always, and it is damn comforting to hear that man say "Sounds normal," and "It'll pass," with his signature eye-close and wipe-away-turn of the head.
This is not the most inspired blog, because i'm about to THERAPIZE, people, so i'm a bit distracted, but i find also that the other thing that helps is working these tricky mindbits through in a (semi-) public sphere. not that anyone is reading it even [thank you if you do!], but it feels loads more productive, somehow, than simply bleeding onto my journal YET AGAIN. i am feeling less and less certain of the purpose of my journalling. it's one place to work through things, but i am starting to recognize in myself a real penchant for screwing-around-in-one-fucking-place-forever. to wit: 20 years of emotional romantical solitude. sorry, Dave! maybe i should write a Willie Nelson style cover To All the Men I Couldn't Love Before. might be helpful.
i believe that is enough for now. thank you and good night.
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lc style baby
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