a question, security and ferocity

i just tried to make a title for this post - but i have no idea what it's going to be about - so i'll wait until the end. i'm thinking it might be loosely based on an INTENSE and kinda frantic writing session i just had. the basic gist of it, as i get knee-deep in romantic intensity and what-not, was the question: WHAT DOES A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP GIVE YOU? and i think for most people it might give something a little bit illusionary. i want to hear other peoples' thoughts on this topic. my notion is that humans chase the [false] idea of Security and Stability all their lives — in relationships primarily, jobs secondarily, and then maybe kids terti..arily [i.e. the Security that comes with knowing part of your genes will carry on after you're dust, and they get down to the business of living life that maybe you yourself abdicated in the pursuit of providing-for-your-gene-carrier, etc]. i feel a little bad writing this, b/c the one person i think who reads my blog is a parent - and i am not intending to breeder-bash (at all!) (i still toy with breeding meself, don't laugh), i just think the topic of kids is germane to this idea of Security-seeking — which appears to be the point of the post, so i have to say it.

ANYHOW. we all die. it's a fact. and it's not just life that ends, EVERYTHING ends eventually. The flan you just ordered, the clean tub you just scoured, the high feeling from the superfun night you had with your friend, the close connection you're feeling to a person/any person, the inspiration you got from that art show, the feeling of security you have when there's money in the bank, an earth that's not quaking, a town that's not war-torn, etc. all these things, i believe, come to an end. which is to say EVERYTHING comes to an end. yet humans chase this idea of the NeverEnding. i would venture to say most humans spend the bulk of their time trying to secure things that are by definition ephemeral. which, when i think about it, feels like a monumental and yeah, tragic waste of time and energy. to really come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is secure, that you are completely and irrevocably insecure, seems like a sort of key to the kingdom, to me. like, then you can actually spend your time and your energy and your life pursuing the things that make you feel alive — rather than trying to run from things that remind you of death, which be comin, no doubt. to get secure in the insecurity, such that you can go forward and PLAY with life, seems like a really good idea. and honestly, the only true way to live.

i'm just speaking for myself, obviously. this isn't meant as a polemic against people who want to find security, cuz I GET IT. i've been doing the same thing my whole life. and now that i'm in a relationship, i feel these weird, irrational tugs to try to secure this partnership in some way, to make myself not feel afraid of its (eventual, let's be honest, one way or another) ceasing. and this is what's leading me to ponder these ideas. and the biggest question that comes out of it for me [and i want to know what others think, for real] is WHY ATTACH TO ANOTHER? and the best reason i came up with for why i feel attracted to this fella, outside of all the aforementioned security/comfort reasons (which are nice, for sure, if not fantasy-derived) is that he actually lives in a way that i want to live. namely: courageously, playfully, engagedly. he finds inspiration and joy and fun and interest in everyday things. and he challenges his mind on nearly every point he or anyone else makes. he is rigorous in his enjoyment and rigorous in his contemplation of things. it feels like he lives pretty fully. this isn't meant to be an anthem to his coolness, i am just trying to sort out the reasons i have personally — the ones i can really get behind, rationally i mean — for being in a relationship. and i guess it IS like i said comfort for one, inspiration for two AND, a third is that this level of intimacy is the closest any of us get to living in another person's skin. which is sort of like a dream-come-true. how to have a life-experience that is not your own -- that is a real trick. and i think we can become so much smarter, so much cooler and funner and more compassionate and all-around wiser, by seeing out the eyes of someone else. this is a trite point perhaps, but still a cool phenomenon. and one you don't get [i know from experience!] chilling in your own world on your own couch by your own damn self. hmmmKAY?!

okay - i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i went on for 6 pages in my journal around this topic, and it bled into all different areas, pretty fun. oh yeah, and the word i took away from my journal writing was FIERCE. i feel like a Fierce life would be one that totally embraces this idea that nothing can be contained or grasped, and so we have nothing to lose, and so we have nothing to fear, and so we follow every instinct, idea, spark that gets us going. we live big. in open air, like birds or something. we're alive while we're alive and we'll be dead when we're dead — not trying to escape death while we're alive. not a poetic ending.