mal dans ma peau

well people -
this is one of those challenging times. i have a REALLY hard time being among successful artists — totally secure, cool, hilarious successful artists — and being asked what i do for a living. this is torture, yo. i cringe as i feel the question approaching, and i ask as many follow-up questions about their trade as i possibly can so as to prolong the inevitable. how can i start doing something i actually love? i mean, i guess the science stuff would be something i'd love, if i could ever get around to finishing my degree and doing it for a living. but then the other question arises about ART. i am here with a phenomenal Painter, an extraordinary multi-media artist and Photographer, and a handful of other creatives — and all i can feel is "i want to do that too; i want to create interesting, beautiful, moving, cutting-edge, social commentary in a work of art or literature!!!" and yet, all i do is sit around complaining about how i can't seem to find it in me. this is bullshit. i need to simply DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i don't know how many times i need to learn this lesson from creatives i admire, but i know that's what it's about. i'm just curious: do either of you feel this pull toward creating art when you see great music, beautiful painting, outstanding photos, etc etc? i can't tell if what i feel is simply appreciation (and that this yearning is how everyone feels) or if it means i, too, am meant to express in some artful way. i talked to my boyfriend about this today, and he told me he simply doesn't think of me as an artist, but as more of an analyst. this makes me sad, though it also feels like the reality of things. it's not like i've been creating all my life. i just somehow feel invalid in this arena/among artists, as a non-creator. like: surely you have things to say!? ok, this is really not blog-worthy. i'm just feeling an insane itch to put SOMETHING out into the world that speaks from my experience, as i feel totally inadequate and inexpressive right now, right here. i might delete this later tonight. i just have to post it. woof. i feel like a lame excuse for a human right now. bummer.

a list, some ideas, The Huffer

the thing about writing your thoughts and ideas that's kind of embarrassing — and the reason i don't do it for a living [aside from the fact that no one has offered to pay me for that, hahaaa] — is that it implies this notion of one's "specialness," the importance of what they have to say. i really struggle with this. i don't know if it's being one of 8 kids in the household where i grew up or whether it's just a family low-self-esteem relic [my bet is a deadly combination of the two, urgh], but what ends up happening is this: i get an idea i get all psyched about, something i'm interested in and curious about, and when i imagine writing about it, i'm like "but i only have a paragraph. i don't have a lot to say around this topic. it's just an idea, a curiosity, a whim. and plus, a billion other people have likely also thought about this topic and decided it was too dumb/banal/hackneyed to write about." etcetera.  i start to talk myself out of the project before i ever start it. THIS is the kiss of death. the pre-birth kiss of death. dudes, i just got embarrassed about how NAVEL-GAZERY this fucking blog is. i met this crazy cool woman today who was on an old white roadbike with cutoff black jeans and a black rocker teeshirt who does freelance writing and is about to pitch a book on "Slow Fashion" {more on that momentarily - so cool!}, like i forget there's a whole fucking WORLD out there that i'm actually INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT. yet i sign on here and all i can seem to talk about are my emooootions. really it's not that fascinating. ok back to slow fashion. it's a response to "Fast Fashion" - not unlike FastFood, it's cheap and shitty clothing (H&M, Old Navy, etc). the stores where you're like "i like this alright... and it's $9.99... so eff it, i'll take 2." i think this is pretty interesting stuff. and i love that this woman was just like "hell, i'm a consumer and this is a topic i'm interested in. i'm gonna write me a damn book about it." ok, so just for fun, right here, in front of (all! of) you, i'm going to brainstorm a second about what books/subjects i might like to write about. maybe i'll start by blogging about some of them [unless you, fair reader, say for fucks sake no i don't want to read about windburn versus sunburn, e.g. i will oblige!]

TOPICS:
1. animals. cognition, rights, cool-stuff-that's-been-found-out (like that rats laugh!?)
2. the homeless. i actually want to interview a few of the regulars around my house and post their impressions of the homed community.
3. humor-in-different-cultures. i've long wanted to do an international study on humor and language and how it varies country to country. relatedly, i'm interested in language discrepancies between cultures, like  i just learned that the tibetans don't even have a word or phrase for "self-hatred" WTF TIBET?? can you get any cooler!? jesus.
4. social experiments. i have a few in mind that i'd like to do, and i'd like to write about them. the current one i'm most excited about involves asking (out loud) people on the subway for jokes - and watching the reactions a) to me and b) to the people who laughed at the joke - what happened next, etc.
5. meditation's effects on health. [there've been studies! and i'd like to conduct some more.]
6. humor/laughter's effects on health. [see above note.]
7. therapy. i dig it, i think that shit works. even though i blog about my stuffed-up feeeeelingsz all the livelong day. i feel waythefuck better now than i did 10 years ago when i started. or maybe that's just aging. hmmm. if i had a twin, we could have done a little case-control thing, but alas, i'm just a lass...
8. nature. how it is a weird metaphor for just about everything else in life, i find. in fact, i'm going to supplant this #8 with a new one...
8. metaphors. how i love them and how i feel like they're EVERYWHERE. everything's a metaphor for everything else.
9. simplicity. i know, those books were all published in the 80s, but shit man, simple is ALWAYS better.
10. maybe i should write an article on "why i just keep talking about opening a coffeeshop and never actually doing it." nevermind.

okay 10 is plenty for now, right? i will push myself a little harder next time (or in my journal, so no one has to endure this again).

what is the point of this blog again? i'm thinking of starting a blog about the homeless. like every couple days i could check in on them, if they're around, and get an update and tell everybody what's new in the life of, for example, the dude i like to call (cuz that's all i know about him) "The Huffer." i'm pretty flippin curious what his days consist of and what goes through his mind and what his favorite food is [which i'd like to surprise him with one time.] the only scary part with The Huffer is that he seems genuinely bonkers. like, he might beat me up or something. maybe i'll start slow and see how it goes. but wouldn't it be kind of interesting to get a peek into the lives of people who are not at all defined by the things we define ourselves by? (home, job, family) - these people actually have very full internal lives, and i'm dying to know what they're full of.

alright. thanks that was fun.
xo