mal dans ma peau

well people -
this is one of those challenging times. i have a REALLY hard time being among successful artists — totally secure, cool, hilarious successful artists — and being asked what i do for a living. this is torture, yo. i cringe as i feel the question approaching, and i ask as many follow-up questions about their trade as i possibly can so as to prolong the inevitable. how can i start doing something i actually love? i mean, i guess the science stuff would be something i'd love, if i could ever get around to finishing my degree and doing it for a living. but then the other question arises about ART. i am here with a phenomenal Painter, an extraordinary multi-media artist and Photographer, and a handful of other creatives — and all i can feel is "i want to do that too; i want to create interesting, beautiful, moving, cutting-edge, social commentary in a work of art or literature!!!" and yet, all i do is sit around complaining about how i can't seem to find it in me. this is bullshit. i need to simply DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i don't know how many times i need to learn this lesson from creatives i admire, but i know that's what it's about. i'm just curious: do either of you feel this pull toward creating art when you see great music, beautiful painting, outstanding photos, etc etc? i can't tell if what i feel is simply appreciation (and that this yearning is how everyone feels) or if it means i, too, am meant to express in some artful way. i talked to my boyfriend about this today, and he told me he simply doesn't think of me as an artist, but as more of an analyst. this makes me sad, though it also feels like the reality of things. it's not like i've been creating all my life. i just somehow feel invalid in this arena/among artists, as a non-creator. like: surely you have things to say!? ok, this is really not blog-worthy. i'm just feeling an insane itch to put SOMETHING out into the world that speaks from my experience, as i feel totally inadequate and inexpressive right now, right here. i might delete this later tonight. i just have to post it. woof. i feel like a lame excuse for a human right now. bummer.