The Middles

well here it is again, 10:15 wednesday night, and i'm desperately surfing the internet for some sort of meaning/direction. so far tonight's online activities have included:
*looking for a new apartment
*researching nursing schools in ca, or and vt
*trying to find my favorite jeans on ebay (mine just got their first hole)
*getting a free tarot reading
*reading old emails.

i'm directionless and facing backwards, it appears. not to mention trying-to-distract myself. i hate this habit of mine. what a waste of time. god, my blogs are negative. you wouldn't believe me probably - but i'm actually a fairly positive person. i think i just get all this negativity and crud out of me here. thank god no one's reading. i need to do like my blogging pal has done, and write myself a mission for this blog - it (like me) lacks direction.

i decided on my run today that i have no patience for people [like myself] between the ages of ...say... 15 and .. 57. up till 15, you're still trying to figure shit out and you're still open to hearing other ideas and you're still interesting and fresh and funny and promising. at 57, maybe you start to go "wheeeee" and enjoy the ride. i hope so anyway. it is my experience that old people are rad - they tell cool stories or they know how to do wierd things and they're just chill and not stressin anymore. those of us in the middle - we're just sort of pains in the ass, i think. and we think we're really important. i guess that's the main point. we're sure we're important and our shit is the most important - and it's just boring. kinda like this blog. man, where is my normal self? i am evil on this thing! mental note: never tell anyone where it is.

i also talked to my good friend erika tonight, on the phone. she is a new yorker all the way. she cracks me up. she's having one of those spells i have every... i dunno, 3 months or so, wherein not only can i not remember what i like in the world, but how i ever thought life was livable and passable. i feel all incredulous - like i'd been dreaming - like "how in the FUCK did i think this was a good excuse for a life? what in the HELL did i find even mildly amusing or sweet about any of this?" man, it's a sucky place to be. and despite a really wretched past 3-4 weeks [on the love-front, especially], i've managed not to dive fully into that ditch. though the tires have been slippin a bit, that's for sure.

okay, i swear this will be nicer to read one of these days. seriously, i promise. i need a mission statement. but then i'll feel so didactic and (to use my favorite of erika's words) "douche-y." like, do i really have anything i need to tell the world? does anyone really need to hear this crap? good grief, i am a tornado unto myself. it's like i'm in a play with a lot of conflict - and i'm all the actors. FREAAAAKSHOOOOOWWWW. see what i said about us Middles? we're nuts. we're not worth your time. go find a kid or a grandma.