what have you done?

if the heart is a lonely hunter, the mind is a wily prey. am i inferring the heart preys on the mind? i might be, though it's counterintuitive right off the bat, to me. yes, the heart hunts; for connection, for truth, for beauty. and the mind, it appears, works like hell to keep its human from exactly these things — from connecting to others, from knowing the truth of oneself, from seeing beauty.

i'm no psychologist (or at least a really crappy fake one). i'm just marveling today at my heart's desire to CREATE, to be inspired, to DO — and my mind's subsequent attempts to keep me from doing the very things that will take me there. why do we avoid what is good for us? seriously, WHY?? i think i can only speak for myself and maybe assume an extrapolation that others experience the same thing — but i guess the underlying fear is simply LACK. if i don't first make cookie dough (just cuz!), fold the laundry (that's been hanging dry for a week in my living room, p.s.), renew my AAA and call my mother, then i'll have to just sit in IT. in the unknowing, the potential nothing, on the blank slate. in solitary confinement. but instead of being put in a cell, i'm put in the wide open world. complete with: free time, healthy body, adequate mind, enough money to not have to stress too hard about it (at least for now). basically placed in what all of africa might consider a utopian situation. and what am i to do with all this utopia? how can i possibly create worth out of all this good fortune? i struggle with this "luxury problem" as my sister calls it. the paralysis of parameterlessness. which is total bullshit by the way. i realize it is no excuse for not doing something ("oh, i'm just too LUCKY!! what i need is more STRIFE!") i guess it's one of the weird things about modern industrialized society, that we have to give our own lives meaning - that it doesn't come with the territory. if you are fighting starvation, malaria, an insurgent militia or AIDS your whole life, the point of your everything becomes clear very quickly. and success is measurable by virtue of your living and keeping your family alive. but my POINT is... back to the (relatively minor!) question of creating... that i need parameters. i need to give myself goals, guidelines, timelimits, etc.

anyway, back to the bigger stuff: in the end, it comes down to, i think, one question: what have you done? i vacillate between thinking the most important thing is A) to help those less fortunate or B) to enjoy everything, everyone, everywhere, every minute. i toggle between being enchanted by a moony night walk by the park and devastated by the homeless glue-huffer living through the winter on that park bench. i envy those who feel clear about the meaning of things; the religionists have their whole afterlife to count on, the atheists and humanists live for today. both good options, i guess.

i'm just hoping i start doing SOMETHING. and i hope my writings start making some kind of coherent sense. i guess all i can do is help when and where i can, appreciate as much as possible, and keep showing up to do the work i think i'm supposed to do. to know when i'm distracting myself and to be a tight-bunned school-mistress with my distractor, and get my fingers moving and words spilling. i feel i have something to say, and i hope if i just keep saying stuff into the ethers like this, it will one day start coming out.

i feel i have a lot more to say, this is feeling journal entryish. i just feel sad about lost relationships. that's all. and i feel fearful of future losses.

woof.