hi everyone, no one - whoever's out there and knows about this (i think there may be two of you.)
it's tuesday morning and i just voted. i gotta admit, i *LOVE* voting. there is something so classicly kitsch about the setup - in some random church with 5 senior citizens sitting cutely behind a card table fumbling through the process of finding your name, crossing it off, and asking you to sign. then you're handed your BALLOT. i love the little standing desk areas with their own personal fluorescent lights - and the big marker. i love the ballots. i love how 1968-school-document they look. i love the sense of completing my civic duty. i believe so whole-heartedly in the concept of democracy. it is so radical and so awesome - or it was in its day. sort of heading back to the ways of despotism, it seems. (i've never used that word before, hope i'm using it right.) i've been REPREZENTIN' with my "NO ON 73!" pin for the last few weeks - and i was actually asked to remove it at the polling place. pretty cool.

the last two weeks have been interesting ones for me:
1. i interviewed with the animal rights group PETA.
2. i applied for nursing school at Columbia University
3. i volunteered with and became a founding member of Helmets for Life.
4. i administered an anatomy lab test.
5. i started volunteering at Planned Parenthood.
6. i became vegan.

it feels like change is entirely afoot. i feel like i'm about to move out of my 6-year-home of Santa Cruz, CA. within 6 months, i should be living in either Seattle, NY, Baltimore or San Francisco (god-willin). i will no longer be Walmart's Bitch - and i will no longer be a 9-to-5'er. it is with some sadness that i will be leaving the marketing profession, as i've discovered i'm quite good at marketing. The whole PETA thing is very tempting. it's a marketing position and i could do it from ANYWHERE (portland OR! portland ME! asheville NC! brattleboro VT! ANYWHERE!!!) - and that is damn tempting, people. but the truth is, i think i need to work in an environment that's not my home. i'm a social cat, honestly. i'd go nuts in my home alone all day. even IF i were being alone for the animalllzzzz.... dammit i love animals. and i don't spend enough time with my cats. shoot, options can be confusing.

so VEGANism. this is a really fun game. i feel so strangely RIGHT ON about this. like, the timing is just right and it is so right for me, physiologically and otherwise. i suddenly have no nasal congestion, and my (sorry) GAS has abated considerably. i've also been eating more and smaller meals during the day - as opposed to 3 giant ones that invariably leave me holding my gut or rolling around on the floor and ALWAYS complaining about my stomach hurting. i'm like a cartoon of a caveman, i swear - like "Urg hit head on wall. Urg hurt. Urg hit head again." doy.

well, i have to go to work - but this is fun. i was inspired to write this morning by the lovely SUMMER PIERRE's blog (www.summerpierre.com). i haven't sorted out how to make links in here yet.

anyway. life feels good right now. i'm off to get my second coffee of the day - not b/c i need one, but b/c there is a CUTE BARISTA in this little coffeeshack near my work, which my friend and i have coined (for reasons you might guess) "Hair Coffee." actually, maybe you're thinking barista-boy has great hair (which he does) - but the fact is that my friend found not 1, not TWO, buT THREE HAIRS in his iced coffee one day. hahaa, makes me laugh thinking aobut it.

OH, and i forgot to mention that i met two ADORABLE AWESOME OLD EAST COAST MEN in my coffee shop here this morning. Henry and Mel. Mel's from Brooklyn and Henry's from Detroit via Baltimore via Fort Collins. i friggin love east-coasters, they are so easy to talk to and accessible. californians...? my jury is still out on them. ok, really - off to work.

jz

rockstar

well it's thursday night, after 10pm, and you know what that means. or maybe you don't - if you don't know me. it means i've spent 4 of the last 5 hours with my dear dear friend and man it is always amazing and shocking and awesome and surprising in some way. tonight we:
*ate the cheapest, best meal in santa cruz (giant tacos and delicious yummy chips & endless radishes for $3.08)
*watched a mild-mannered and not-at-all offensive homelessy sorta guy get booted out of a cafe for bringing outside food in, while the seat he had occupied (right next to us) promptly got filled by an irritating look-at-me young guy who tried to be cool by refusing to touch the listerine bottle full of tequila the former neighbor-guy had left behind with his hands and so kicking it with his foot instead - just as the #1 guy was coming back to retrieve it. this moment was really depressing and very much spoiled the mood. i'm not talking about the how-sad-there-are-homeless-people aspect, though that's absolutely depressing and wrong -- but the disrespect and i guess disgust that the young guy showed by kicking his bottle... damn, just makes me sad. homelessy guy went on to just quietly tuck the listerine bottle into his pants and very amiably (i gotta say) left the building. dang. bums me out. people are so vulnerable. and people can be so mean. shit. anyway.
*had tea and a sundae at a place with outrageously good chocolate - and tonight, an insanely adorable indian baby whose mom was so chatty and cute too.
*laughed our asses off in the bookstore. i don't know what it is about the bookstore - but we invariably bust up in there, breaking the semi-library code of hushed talking. but my friend is so friggin funny, what are you gonna do?

speaking of my friend: i got issues, people. [not that it's not apparent, but] do you have any friends around whom you feel like the least interesting, least attractive, humorous, thoughtful, smart person alive? i have a little bit of that goin with this wonderwoman. her skin is flawless; her brain is literally a biography library for incredible people in the world and their stories - not to mention quotes from them, fascinating facts about their lives and their loves; she can turn anything you say into the most hysterical BRILLIANT joke you've ever heard (and you're there going "hey, i was right here and i saw the exact same thing happen - how did that not occur to me?!"), she is sympathetic, compassionate, driven - all this doesn't even touch on her wealth of creative talents. it's almost overwhelming, every thursday. it's hard to feel impressive around beautiful, talented, amazing people, isn't it? or am i just a maroon... in fact: the truth is that i am INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to call such a miracle-girl my friend. our time together is so rich, and so inspiring - every single time. she is outrageously cool, and new york is one lucky state - they get her in 4 weeks. dang again.

alright. this wasn't meant to be a tribute per se - it's just what's on my mind/in my heart tonight. i love that girl!

superhuman

wow. i never ever ever see movies at the cineplex - i'm more of a let's-cry-about-the-holocaust-again or woe-is-me-why-am-iiiii-not-french-and-in-love-with-a-german-guy-in-prague kinda movie-goer. don't ask why. it is wierd, i grant you that. but after a really irritating commute home (3 miles in an hour - woohoo!), and a missed yoga class (b/c of the heinous traffic), i thought better to join my friends jess & ryan out for a movie than to sit around at home with the rain and a book and the cat (though that is extremely & eternally appealing as well). and MAN AM I GLAD I WENT! it's wierd how i think i'm so smart about myself - how i think i know stuff and think i even know what i enjoy or think i know what a movie experience will be like. what a dumb way to live. cuz the truth is revealed to me over and over: i don't know shit.

ANYWAY. BATMAN is my new favorite superhero. not that i really had one before - i never really had any interest. but the coolest thing about batman is that he's just a human like me or you - just with rad gadgets that help him do amazing stuff. and i love that the whole premise is about him facing his fears - i love the imagery & symbolism of him descending deep deep into the batcave, and emerging so strong. i feel cheesy even enumerating these points b/c they're so obvious, but it's all kinda new to me. and so pure. and so cool. i love metaphors - that's what's so great about movies and folk tales and even some tv -- all metaphors for life. rad. okay i have some wierd ache in my forearm so i'm gonna cut this short, but i just wanted to spew somewhere about how inspiring this movie was. not that it was the best-acted, best-filmed, best-scripted movie ever, but there's just something so elemental and inspiring about a tale like that: kid grows a fear, has good role models, grows up to face fears, get strong and make the world better. so simple. so true! i love it.

i'm getting a batman t-shirt. i don't care.
love jen

The Middles

well here it is again, 10:15 wednesday night, and i'm desperately surfing the internet for some sort of meaning/direction. so far tonight's online activities have included:
*looking for a new apartment
*researching nursing schools in ca, or and vt
*trying to find my favorite jeans on ebay (mine just got their first hole)
*getting a free tarot reading
*reading old emails.

i'm directionless and facing backwards, it appears. not to mention trying-to-distract myself. i hate this habit of mine. what a waste of time. god, my blogs are negative. you wouldn't believe me probably - but i'm actually a fairly positive person. i think i just get all this negativity and crud out of me here. thank god no one's reading. i need to do like my blogging pal has done, and write myself a mission for this blog - it (like me) lacks direction.

i decided on my run today that i have no patience for people [like myself] between the ages of ...say... 15 and .. 57. up till 15, you're still trying to figure shit out and you're still open to hearing other ideas and you're still interesting and fresh and funny and promising. at 57, maybe you start to go "wheeeee" and enjoy the ride. i hope so anyway. it is my experience that old people are rad - they tell cool stories or they know how to do wierd things and they're just chill and not stressin anymore. those of us in the middle - we're just sort of pains in the ass, i think. and we think we're really important. i guess that's the main point. we're sure we're important and our shit is the most important - and it's just boring. kinda like this blog. man, where is my normal self? i am evil on this thing! mental note: never tell anyone where it is.

i also talked to my good friend erika tonight, on the phone. she is a new yorker all the way. she cracks me up. she's having one of those spells i have every... i dunno, 3 months or so, wherein not only can i not remember what i like in the world, but how i ever thought life was livable and passable. i feel all incredulous - like i'd been dreaming - like "how in the FUCK did i think this was a good excuse for a life? what in the HELL did i find even mildly amusing or sweet about any of this?" man, it's a sucky place to be. and despite a really wretched past 3-4 weeks [on the love-front, especially], i've managed not to dive fully into that ditch. though the tires have been slippin a bit, that's for sure.

okay, i swear this will be nicer to read one of these days. seriously, i promise. i need a mission statement. but then i'll feel so didactic and (to use my favorite of erika's words) "douche-y." like, do i really have anything i need to tell the world? does anyone really need to hear this crap? good grief, i am a tornado unto myself. it's like i'm in a play with a lot of conflict - and i'm all the actors. FREAAAAKSHOOOOOWWWW. see what i said about us Middles? we're nuts. we're not worth your time. go find a kid or a grandma.

later that day

hi. i'm home now, after a beer with my friend don. i'm trying to do something with all the feeling i have inside me. i'm painting a picture and waiting for the brown mass that was supposed to be a flower to dry before i put some pink on it. i am a mess. i guess this blog winds up being a bit more of a complaint section than anything else. i'm always compelled to write when i'm hurting. you wanna know what happened? i fell in love. for the first time. at 35. the first time that i could say unequivocally, anyway, that i absolutely was in love. everything was wonderful - my job was a pleasure, i loved the corporate suit guys in my office all of a sudden - no disdain, i noticed the beauty in mice and dead moths, felt grateful for every single bone in my body, etc. - you know the feeling. well, suddenly (and i'm realizing as i write this that this is probably about the oldest story in the book and that my experience is not at all unique or interesting but hell it is mine) - he takes the love away. all the openness, all the beauty, all the trust he had in me, the faith in us - gone. i was just confused for the first week - and i'm still fairly flummoxed - but i think i'm starting to get it. and i just never expected this in my life. this situation - where i would be trying to lure someone ELSE out of hiding - that's always been MY role. and now i'm the one who just has to throw up her hands and go "well, you can't show someone what they don't want to see" or something.


sigh.

and you may not know me well enough to know that i'm not a freak - that he should feel actually pretty damn stoked for all the goods i'm throwing his way. really.

anyway, i really can't paint. and i can't write. maybe i'll try playing my guitar later - or just read a book. you know i don't think i ever want anyone reading this blog. i am a mess. i distract myself endlessly - with bullshit - i never get anything done. no progress. ugh. stop.

oh man

i think i am the most boring blogger in the world. and an inconsistent one at that. last night, after spending a glorious evening with summersue [best jr. high slow-dancing re-enacter EVAH], i came home to my friends jess & jen popping by my house to recover a bit from The Drink before making The Drive back to The Home. anyway, after THAT, i was able to log on to summer's site, which always rocks me world (summerpierre.com) - so insightful, so full-of-hope & beauty
***crap, have to go to lunch with the BOSS -- what kinda lunch is that, honestly? it is my FREE TIME for crying out loud!!! more later ***
okay i'm back - and yep, surlier than effing EVER. there is nothing that makes me feel less like the person i am and more heinous in my skin than sitting around a restaurant i would otherwise never go to with three (republican, mind you) men with whom i would otherwise NEVER share a meal, talking about PROFIT MARGINS. WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE? IS THIS A JOKE? AM I AN INGRATE? WHY SO DISGUSTED? alright, chill sister... it's just a job. just doing this for a little while to make some dough. okay focus focus... well, this whole lunch shenanigans only serves to reinforce my point from earlier in this blog -- that i am left feeling, after looking at such amazing sites as summer's and kai's (kaismart.com) and orion's (elenzil.com), that the wealth, the riches in my life are really comign from the wrong place right now. the fact that i can buy a pair of expensive jeans (and when, incidentally, did the avg price of jeans become $140? that freaks me out) or a shirt i want is NOTHING next to the fact that i spend 40+ hours a week (okay, sometimes less) in a grey padded cell. this is all effed up and i don't know exactly how i came to swallow this pill and think this is a fine life - a suitable life - a life i should be grateful to have -- wait, i AM grateful for my life, don't mean to sound like i'm not. oh shit, i have to work and all i want to do is write. i don't even know what my blog name is to tell people how to find it. more later!!

i don't know people...

sometimes i think i'm nuts. mostly i think i'm getting a handle on things, and feeling clear and like things more or less make sense in my life and that my emotions/heart/etc are also (finally) sort of falling into line/making sense with who i am, and then i just get thrown. i find it wierd, no, painful & wierd, when someone is so completely filling your waking (& often non-waking) hours and thoughts - your heart, and they're not a part of your day to day. this is really hurting me. trying to find a way to be understanding and easygoing while this in-my-heart person is going through a singularly rough time. it's just that i've never felt this before and i want to fall! i want to dance with him and get buried in this love, and i'm not allowed to. it just feels so wrong - so why-can't-i-have-this... why don't guys talk, when they're hurting? it seems like they hole up - and women want to talk and commune and all that, and what a horrible mix that is. i want to understand but man, it's a tough one. alright, fuck these blogs suck. i have nothing important to say to anyone - i'm just too lazy to get my own notebook i guess. ugh.

well, here it is. blog #1.

it's 11:18 on a tuesday and i'm expecting a call from a beautiful man still tonight and have to get up early early to have simul-solo-coffee-and-writing-experiences with a lovely & talented friend - so we'll see how far i get. forgive the unstructured nature of my writings as i have no plan for this thing. just an outlet, other than my journal. so i've been having a really astounding couple of months - feeling ways i never knew i could feel in the world (yes, it has something to do with the beautiful man mentioned above), but too - so much more than that. i don't have categories for what i'm feeling, lately, in my brain. i told my (beloved! incredible!) shrink that i feel like i'm underwater or dreaming - to which she replied "in fact, you HAVE been dreaming, and now you're awake." this feels true. TRUTH - if there's one thing i'm after in this life, i think that's got to be it. my dear friend has HOPE, and i have TRUTH. i'm annoyingly exacting about the truth (probably only from others) - i don't know what this means (other than i'm a pain in the ass if a friend or relative is trying to recount a story and i happened to have been present for the actual event now being described and they spice it up with some exaggerated details - i have to call them on it - what a pain in the ass!!?? what gives!?!). anyway, i have truth. that's my thing - that's what i've always looked for and that's what i think i find. it's important to me. is this a dumb post? do i have to start a new paragraph?

it's now 11:25 and miel-the-cat is sitting by the window looking REALLY cute. so yeah i was starting to say that i have been feeling so great in my world - loving my life, even my job, feeling so lucky in LOVE, even (you might not know me well enough to know how rare and extraordinary an occurrence this is) -- but today, something felt different. a new heaviness. i couldn't place it, exactly. is it just missing the one so far away? is it anticipation of the end of this incredible sweetness - kindness that i've never experienced? is it hormones? is it just my job making me tweaky and stressy? i came home from work [okay i stopped at a store and bought a tanktop and some cool indian-looking shoes] and then laid on my bed with the kitty and tried to feel what was going on but dammit that's hard sometimes - if you weren't raised with a language for your emotions. anyway, i typed a whole spiel about this but then it somehow got deleted and i don't have the will to rewrite it all. it was kinda dumb anyway. alright, TO BED! thanks for reading!
xo
jen