i'm interested today in FREEDOM and our notion of it. i think there is a mass .."problem".. for lack of a better word at the moment for all the Gen Xers that i know concerning freedom / options / our sense of reality and fulfillment. we are, many of us, not feeling fulfilled. and i've been giving this a lot of thought lately, cuz i suffer this (truly luxury problem - i acknowledge completely that this aint a real problem in the grand scheme of things) with the best of them.
i have always valued having OPTIONS. hell, it's the american way. "anything is possible," "make your dreams a reality" in the "land of golden opportunity" and all that. i recently read a quote that went something along the lines of "nothing is less motivating / helps you focus less than hearing 'you can do/be anything you want to'." this is counterintuitively true, i think. the notion of having every possibility is something we were reared on, something we learned to keep close to our collective chest. as long as we had options, we were golden. options made everything possible, gave our life a sense of hopefulness and a bright future.
as such, we, as a generation, have tended to KEEP keeping those options open—maybe well past the point when we were supposed to. like, at 18, this is an understandable lesson, and something you want to impress upon a young lad or lass about to break out of the house and start living as an adult. though when i think about it, it seems the world has changed quite a bit since the 80s when i was a soon-to-be-adult. kids today have a much greater sense of the world much earlier, such that nowadays, leaving home for college is no longer the first "big view" into the real world; it's actually the point in time when you can fully start living and inhabiting all the ideas that were maybe just experiments at home or in high school. whereas in my high school, you could divide the student population into more or less 3 or 4 groups (academics, jocks, stoners a.k.a "metalers" as my social studies teacher liked to call the kids in black AC/DC teeshirts and long hair), high schools today are more or less representative of the adult population in the real world. you've got every race/mix, nationality, gender, sexuality, diet, political leaning, artform, athlete and jr. engineer represented. our parents' idea of high school is a quaint and outdated notion born of the 50s, where we are fleshy fresh tabula rossa just taking in information and learning what's-out-there until well into our 20s. today's teenagers know what they are into. many of them know what they will do as adults. there are activists and transsexuals, accomplished designers (tavi) and burgeoning scientists (eva vertes). kids today are free. they learned and saw — and they are experimenting and experiencing well before 18. they got a jump on the whole adult thing.
but back to my generation (sorry, i know, the change is abrupt and not altogether inspiring!). now in our 40s, we find ourselves sort of quizzically looking at our job, our apartment, maybe even our kid or family — and feeling, well, "is this it?" yes, there are moments of contentment, maybe even joy, but from conversations i've had, i sense a lingering idea of the-future's-so-bright — even among my starting-to-grey, starting-to-wrinkle generation. once you hit 40 (which i just did), you realize, as my friend put it "we are no longer the generation where anyone's hopes lie." but oddly, we've carried this hopefulness with us, and we're loathe to relinquish it. because who are we without all these possible, improbable futures laid out before us. we are defined by our ideas of what could be, of possibility.
i've long used the metaphor of having a "whole pie" of opportunity, each piece representing a different avenue, career or lifestyle choice. the catch 22 lies in the fact that if i choose one piece of the pie wholeheartedly, the rest of the pie goes away. ("just one piece!?") so rather than choose a piece, i have sort of dabbled, sniffed, maybe licked the crust here and there, but i leave the whole pie-of-opportunity intact, so that i might revisit all the options at a future date, and re-sniff, re-lick, what have you.
you can see where this is going.
the idea that freedom lies merely in having options is an outdated one. options are the FIRST step in freedom, yes. but the next and most vital step in actually experiencing the freedom of, as i define it, living your life expressed as only you uniquely can express it, is in CHOOSING one of these directions — and moving on it, with commitment. i speak from experience. here's what i've gotten out of keeping my options open: 1) a sense of enormous endless possibility in the (abstracted) future, and 2) a feeling of actual disconnectedness in the actual, realtime world. yes i've had experiences that are enriching; yes i've experienced joy and fun and good times, etc — but the larger experience leaves me feeling untouched, leaves the things i truly care about and am passionate about (for me it's animal welfare, philosophizing, helping others and maybe writing?) sort of unexplored, unaddressed. we are, i believe, largely a mix of reactions to the world around us. the way our chemicals, histories, neurons, observations and intellect combine is truly unique to us, and, as trite as it sounds, no one will experience things just as we do. to express our experience clearly seems to me as true and real and valid a use of our time as anything else — and probably the most interesting and useful.
i like to think of humanity as a giant organism, and we're each cells with our own tasks and assignments. if we don't do our job, it allows the other cells to have greater prominence, which aint balanced, aint healthy. for the system to operate smoothly, cells do their unique cellular thing clearly, and perhaps they gang up with other cells to create an organ with a greater function than any individual cell can accomplish on its own. but the key is that the cell does what the cell most naturally wants to do. one thing leads to another.
i'm not even high or drunk. if you made it this far, you are my friend!
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
mal dans ma peau
well people -
this is one of those challenging times. i have a REALLY hard time being among successful artists — totally secure, cool, hilarious successful artists — and being asked what i do for a living. this is torture, yo. i cringe as i feel the question approaching, and i ask as many follow-up questions about their trade as i possibly can so as to prolong the inevitable. how can i start doing something i actually love? i mean, i guess the science stuff would be something i'd love, if i could ever get around to finishing my degree and doing it for a living. but then the other question arises about ART. i am here with a phenomenal Painter, an extraordinary multi-media artist and Photographer, and a handful of other creatives — and all i can feel is "i want to do that too; i want to create interesting, beautiful, moving, cutting-edge, social commentary in a work of art or literature!!!" and yet, all i do is sit around complaining about how i can't seem to find it in me. this is bullshit. i need to simply DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i don't know how many times i need to learn this lesson from creatives i admire, but i know that's what it's about. i'm just curious: do either of you feel this pull toward creating art when you see great music, beautiful painting, outstanding photos, etc etc? i can't tell if what i feel is simply appreciation (and that this yearning is how everyone feels) or if it means i, too, am meant to express in some artful way. i talked to my boyfriend about this today, and he told me he simply doesn't think of me as an artist, but as more of an analyst. this makes me sad, though it also feels like the reality of things. it's not like i've been creating all my life. i just somehow feel invalid in this arena/among artists, as a non-creator. like: surely you have things to say!? ok, this is really not blog-worthy. i'm just feeling an insane itch to put SOMETHING out into the world that speaks from my experience, as i feel totally inadequate and inexpressive right now, right here. i might delete this later tonight. i just have to post it. woof. i feel like a lame excuse for a human right now. bummer.
this is one of those challenging times. i have a REALLY hard time being among successful artists — totally secure, cool, hilarious successful artists — and being asked what i do for a living. this is torture, yo. i cringe as i feel the question approaching, and i ask as many follow-up questions about their trade as i possibly can so as to prolong the inevitable. how can i start doing something i actually love? i mean, i guess the science stuff would be something i'd love, if i could ever get around to finishing my degree and doing it for a living. but then the other question arises about ART. i am here with a phenomenal Painter, an extraordinary multi-media artist and Photographer, and a handful of other creatives — and all i can feel is "i want to do that too; i want to create interesting, beautiful, moving, cutting-edge, social commentary in a work of art or literature!!!" and yet, all i do is sit around complaining about how i can't seem to find it in me. this is bullshit. i need to simply DO SOMETHING EVERY DAY. i don't know how many times i need to learn this lesson from creatives i admire, but i know that's what it's about. i'm just curious: do either of you feel this pull toward creating art when you see great music, beautiful painting, outstanding photos, etc etc? i can't tell if what i feel is simply appreciation (and that this yearning is how everyone feels) or if it means i, too, am meant to express in some artful way. i talked to my boyfriend about this today, and he told me he simply doesn't think of me as an artist, but as more of an analyst. this makes me sad, though it also feels like the reality of things. it's not like i've been creating all my life. i just somehow feel invalid in this arena/among artists, as a non-creator. like: surely you have things to say!? ok, this is really not blog-worthy. i'm just feeling an insane itch to put SOMETHING out into the world that speaks from my experience, as i feel totally inadequate and inexpressive right now, right here. i might delete this later tonight. i just have to post it. woof. i feel like a lame excuse for a human right now. bummer.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
a list, some ideas, The Huffer
the thing about writing your thoughts and ideas that's kind of embarrassing — and the reason i don't do it for a living [aside from the fact that no one has offered to pay me for that, hahaaa] — is that it implies this notion of one's "specialness," the importance of what they have to say. i really struggle with this. i don't know if it's being one of 8 kids in the household where i grew up or whether it's just a family low-self-esteem relic [my bet is a deadly combination of the two, urgh], but what ends up happening is this: i get an idea i get all psyched about, something i'm interested in and curious about, and when i imagine writing about it, i'm like "but i only have a paragraph. i don't have a lot to say around this topic. it's just an idea, a curiosity, a whim. and plus, a billion other people have likely also thought about this topic and decided it was too dumb/banal/hackneyed to write about." etcetera. i start to talk myself out of the project before i ever start it. THIS is the kiss of death. the pre-birth kiss of death. dudes, i just got embarrassed about how NAVEL-GAZERY this fucking blog is. i met this crazy cool woman today who was on an old white roadbike with cutoff black jeans and a black rocker teeshirt who does freelance writing and is about to pitch a book on "Slow Fashion" {more on that momentarily - so cool!}, like i forget there's a whole fucking WORLD out there that i'm actually INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT. yet i sign on here and all i can seem to talk about are my emooootions. really it's not that fascinating. ok back to slow fashion. it's a response to "Fast Fashion" - not unlike FastFood, it's cheap and shitty clothing (H&M, Old Navy, etc). the stores where you're like "i like this alright... and it's $9.99... so eff it, i'll take 2." i think this is pretty interesting stuff. and i love that this woman was just like "hell, i'm a consumer and this is a topic i'm interested in. i'm gonna write me a damn book about it." ok, so just for fun, right here, in front of (all! of) you, i'm going to brainstorm a second about what books/subjects i might like to write about. maybe i'll start by blogging about some of them [unless you, fair reader, say for fucks sake no i don't want to read about windburn versus sunburn, e.g. i will oblige!]
TOPICS:
1. animals. cognition, rights, cool-stuff-that's-been-found-out (like that rats laugh!?)
2. the homeless. i actually want to interview a few of the regulars around my house and post their impressions of the homed community.
3. humor-in-different-cultures. i've long wanted to do an international study on humor and language and how it varies country to country. relatedly, i'm interested in language discrepancies between cultures, like i just learned that the tibetans don't even have a word or phrase for "self-hatred" WTF TIBET?? can you get any cooler!? jesus.
4. social experiments. i have a few in mind that i'd like to do, and i'd like to write about them. the current one i'm most excited about involves asking (out loud) people on the subway for jokes - and watching the reactions a) to me and b) to the people who laughed at the joke - what happened next, etc.
5. meditation's effects on health. [there've been studies! and i'd like to conduct some more.]
6. humor/laughter's effects on health. [see above note.]
7. therapy. i dig it, i think that shit works. even though i blog about my stuffed-up feeeeelingsz all the livelong day. i feel waythefuck better now than i did 10 years ago when i started. or maybe that's just aging. hmmm. if i had a twin, we could have done a little case-control thing, but alas, i'm just a lass...
8. nature. how it is a weird metaphor for just about everything else in life, i find. in fact, i'm going to supplant this #8 with a new one...
8. metaphors. how i love them and how i feel like they're EVERYWHERE. everything's a metaphor for everything else.
9. simplicity. i know, those books were all published in the 80s, but shit man, simple is ALWAYS better.
10. maybe i should write an article on "why i just keep talking about opening a coffeeshop and never actually doing it." nevermind.
okay 10 is plenty for now, right? i will push myself a little harder next time (or in my journal, so no one has to endure this again).
what is the point of this blog again? i'm thinking of starting a blog about the homeless. like every couple days i could check in on them, if they're around, and get an update and tell everybody what's new in the life of, for example, the dude i like to call (cuz that's all i know about him) "The Huffer." i'm pretty flippin curious what his days consist of and what goes through his mind and what his favorite food is [which i'd like to surprise him with one time.] the only scary part with The Huffer is that he seems genuinely bonkers. like, he might beat me up or something. maybe i'll start slow and see how it goes. but wouldn't it be kind of interesting to get a peek into the lives of people who are not at all defined by the things we define ourselves by? (home, job, family) - these people actually have very full internal lives, and i'm dying to know what they're full of.
alright. thanks that was fun.
xo
TOPICS:
1. animals. cognition, rights, cool-stuff-that's-been-found-out (like that rats laugh!?)
2. the homeless. i actually want to interview a few of the regulars around my house and post their impressions of the homed community.
3. humor-in-different-cultures. i've long wanted to do an international study on humor and language and how it varies country to country. relatedly, i'm interested in language discrepancies between cultures, like i just learned that the tibetans don't even have a word or phrase for "self-hatred" WTF TIBET?? can you get any cooler!? jesus.
4. social experiments. i have a few in mind that i'd like to do, and i'd like to write about them. the current one i'm most excited about involves asking (out loud) people on the subway for jokes - and watching the reactions a) to me and b) to the people who laughed at the joke - what happened next, etc.
5. meditation's effects on health. [there've been studies! and i'd like to conduct some more.]
6. humor/laughter's effects on health. [see above note.]
7. therapy. i dig it, i think that shit works. even though i blog about my stuffed-up feeeeelingsz all the livelong day. i feel waythefuck better now than i did 10 years ago when i started. or maybe that's just aging. hmmm. if i had a twin, we could have done a little case-control thing, but alas, i'm just a lass...
8. nature. how it is a weird metaphor for just about everything else in life, i find. in fact, i'm going to supplant this #8 with a new one...
8. metaphors. how i love them and how i feel like they're EVERYWHERE. everything's a metaphor for everything else.
9. simplicity. i know, those books were all published in the 80s, but shit man, simple is ALWAYS better.
10. maybe i should write an article on "why i just keep talking about opening a coffeeshop and never actually doing it." nevermind.
okay 10 is plenty for now, right? i will push myself a little harder next time (or in my journal, so no one has to endure this again).
what is the point of this blog again? i'm thinking of starting a blog about the homeless. like every couple days i could check in on them, if they're around, and get an update and tell everybody what's new in the life of, for example, the dude i like to call (cuz that's all i know about him) "The Huffer." i'm pretty flippin curious what his days consist of and what goes through his mind and what his favorite food is [which i'd like to surprise him with one time.] the only scary part with The Huffer is that he seems genuinely bonkers. like, he might beat me up or something. maybe i'll start slow and see how it goes. but wouldn't it be kind of interesting to get a peek into the lives of people who are not at all defined by the things we define ourselves by? (home, job, family) - these people actually have very full internal lives, and i'm dying to know what they're full of.
alright. thanks that was fun.
xo
Monday, April 19, 2010
i need a job
hi.
i think busy-ness makes me more productive. i think this is one of those things everyone generally acknowledges - that structure makes productivity easier. it's easier to squeeze things-you-want in around things-you-need than to simply create what you want on a blank canvas of life. as my friend ben once put it: "the more you do, the more you do." word.
i had these visions, pre-unemployment, of myriad art and craft projects, apartment-paintings, meditation retreats, midweek museum-tours, READING (oh the reading i would do!), sewing classes! pottery classes! screenprinting classes! i'd learn italian!, etc that i'd do with all that free time. alas. here's more or less what i've done:
i think busy-ness makes me more productive. i think this is one of those things everyone generally acknowledges - that structure makes productivity easier. it's easier to squeeze things-you-want in around things-you-need than to simply create what you want on a blank canvas of life. as my friend ben once put it: "the more you do, the more you do." word.
i had these visions, pre-unemployment, of myriad art and craft projects, apartment-paintings, meditation retreats, midweek museum-tours, READING (oh the reading i would do!), sewing classes! pottery classes! screenprinting classes! i'd learn italian!, etc that i'd do with all that free time. alas. here's more or less what i've done:
- got me a boyfriend
- started meditating (regularly!)
- went to germany and israel
- went to a california wedding
- ... ?
- oh - started a Masters program
- applied for one beeellion jobs, to no avail
- tried to sue my old boss
- ... um... read a LITTLE
- contributed RARELY to this blog
- went to costa rica for a week with said boyfriend
- what the hell else have i done?
- watched a LOT of movies. noteably: The Host, With a Friend Like Harry, ...
- oh yeah - i've listened to a lot of NPR and read a lot of online news crap
- i exercised alot in the early days of UE, but i resolved in 2010 to Create More & Exercise Less, so now i'm fatter - and dammit - no more creative! sheet.
you see my point? i am not really ACCOMPLISHING anything. i wonder if other people have had luck establishing some sort of ritual in the face of emptiness. i know this is key - every artist or productive person i've ever talked to about this says its just a matter of SHOWING UP, of creating a ritual, making a habit, etc. why is that so hard? i love ritual! you'd think i'd thrill to create my own - totally free of the constraints of any corporation's schedule! but alas, i just sleep in, hang out chez boyfriend, watch a lot of movies (oh - i have to add that to the list).
ok - i need to go to class. i'm taking epidemiology this semester - easily my favorite class so far. i like where science and philosophy/concepts meet.
what is the point of these blogs? the question remains. the next one will be more inspired, je swear...
Monday, March 29, 2010
TMoL
this post, lady and germ, is about The Meaning of Life. or today's thoughts on the topic, at least. i have an idea that the point of all life, if there is one [i don't mean in a "divinely prophecied" kind of way so much as a what's-most-natural/what-makes-sense-given-the-seeming-senselessness-of-it-all kind of way] has to do with purest, truest SELF-ness.
nature never lies. animals [with whom we begrudgingly share that title] are THEMSELVES, purely and simply. a chicken pecks around in the dirt, with no great regard for its purpose or for the image it projects in the minds of other chickens — it is simply exhibiting / being / enjoying its utmost chickenness. of course we can loop into the discussion the idea that the chicken is concerned on a greater level with species survival, and that dirt-pecking is exactly what's needed to keep chickens chickening for generations to come. and we'd be right. same too with humans, i think. as we are animals, we are also primarily, cellularly, interested in propagation of the species, and maybe by following our urges to do the things we most love doing, by getting our brains & bodies all excited/entertained in the particular way that suits us as individuals, we too are making our own gene-propagation a little more progressive. our added consciousness (above that of animals i mean) makes this strategy more interesting than simply a question of Strongest / Most Attractive / Most Fertile. we can actually make conscientious, kind, good-for-all-species decisions, rather than just for our own. every creature, everywhere, can benefit. rather than just the melee of species duking it out for domination, the conscious folks can assess the situation, decide what's likely to do the most/least damage to the planet and all species in general, and act accordingly.
the question would arise, i think, 'what about the people who enjoy killing other humans or raping small boys who help light incense at mass, etc?' — to which i think the obvious response is that this theory is based on a preconception of the humans under discussion being as free from this sort of psychological problem as possible. and ideally humans would help humans who are this screwy to unscrew themselves and be able to contribute better, etc etc. this is a bigger topic... but, i have to say in defense of the rapey (blowjobby?) priests, this seems to me more of a cultural problem than a personal psychological one. but it's a perfect example of a time when we can assess our situation and revise our worldwide strategy, right?
so the point, if i'm not belaboring this one to death, I THINK, is that the trick of life is to discover our ultimate USness, your YOUness, my MEness — and to act accordingly. something weird has happened in our culture over the past bunch of years to make this a bit harder, though, and i think television has made this effect grow exponentially. people, as social creatures (like all apes and many animals), care what others think of them. it makes sense, again, for propagation of the species purposes. but something has happened in us where we are so concerned [and i speak from experience!!! intense experience!!] with the perception of us that it almost eclipses the reality of us. or that we BECOME the perception or something like this. i think tv [and i do love it - don't get me wrong] has turned us into GAZERS and people who feel/are GAZED UPON, as opposed to BE-ers and DO-ers. (i am borrowing that phrase from the late great David Foster Wallace, to be fair.) tv has become the arbiter of worth, and our personalities have stepped in line, offering the world of viewers, watchers, judgers a version of ourselves that we feel will be favorable, given the context of all the other stuff we gaze at on the tube. i only bring this up because i think this [and its all really obvious i'm just talking it all out for fun] might be why and how it's become difficult to connect anymore with our own sense of our us-ness. and therefore, our sense of purpose.
the end.
to a possibly really silly entry.
nature never lies. animals [with whom we begrudgingly share that title] are THEMSELVES, purely and simply. a chicken pecks around in the dirt, with no great regard for its purpose or for the image it projects in the minds of other chickens — it is simply exhibiting / being / enjoying its utmost chickenness. of course we can loop into the discussion the idea that the chicken is concerned on a greater level with species survival, and that dirt-pecking is exactly what's needed to keep chickens chickening for generations to come. and we'd be right. same too with humans, i think. as we are animals, we are also primarily, cellularly, interested in propagation of the species, and maybe by following our urges to do the things we most love doing, by getting our brains & bodies all excited/entertained in the particular way that suits us as individuals, we too are making our own gene-propagation a little more progressive. our added consciousness (above that of animals i mean) makes this strategy more interesting than simply a question of Strongest / Most Attractive / Most Fertile. we can actually make conscientious, kind, good-for-all-species decisions, rather than just for our own. every creature, everywhere, can benefit. rather than just the melee of species duking it out for domination, the conscious folks can assess the situation, decide what's likely to do the most/least damage to the planet and all species in general, and act accordingly.
the question would arise, i think, 'what about the people who enjoy killing other humans or raping small boys who help light incense at mass, etc?' — to which i think the obvious response is that this theory is based on a preconception of the humans under discussion being as free from this sort of psychological problem as possible. and ideally humans would help humans who are this screwy to unscrew themselves and be able to contribute better, etc etc. this is a bigger topic... but, i have to say in defense of the rapey (blowjobby?) priests, this seems to me more of a cultural problem than a personal psychological one. but it's a perfect example of a time when we can assess our situation and revise our worldwide strategy, right?
so the point, if i'm not belaboring this one to death, I THINK, is that the trick of life is to discover our ultimate USness, your YOUness, my MEness — and to act accordingly. something weird has happened in our culture over the past bunch of years to make this a bit harder, though, and i think television has made this effect grow exponentially. people, as social creatures (like all apes and many animals), care what others think of them. it makes sense, again, for propagation of the species purposes. but something has happened in us where we are so concerned [and i speak from experience!!! intense experience!!] with the perception of us that it almost eclipses the reality of us. or that we BECOME the perception or something like this. i think tv [and i do love it - don't get me wrong] has turned us into GAZERS and people who feel/are GAZED UPON, as opposed to BE-ers and DO-ers. (i am borrowing that phrase from the late great David Foster Wallace, to be fair.) tv has become the arbiter of worth, and our personalities have stepped in line, offering the world of viewers, watchers, judgers a version of ourselves that we feel will be favorable, given the context of all the other stuff we gaze at on the tube. i only bring this up because i think this [and its all really obvious i'm just talking it all out for fun] might be why and how it's become difficult to connect anymore with our own sense of our us-ness. and therefore, our sense of purpose.
the end.
to a possibly really silly entry.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
habits
hi. trying out a new font. WHICH, i just realized, is very appropriate, given the topic i want to write about today: Habits, and changing them.
“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”- Mark Twain
(just found that online when i googled "changing habits." but i think before i explore further online, i should just discuss what i'm thinking this morning.)
i have a feeling humans are largely made of HABITS. we make some deliberate decisions, yes, but these seem to be nested in a much larger, much deeper and more insidious house of habitual behavior and thinking. in fact, it's the thinking element i'm most interested in right now. i am very curious if anyone out there [you know who you are, you two!] has ever had any luck in changing a mental habit — a persistent belief you'd had that you suddenly one day decided was A) not true or B) not helpful any longer. and you went about changing it? and did you use specific steps? did you succeed? did it take a long time? i am so curious about this topic; i wonder what would be possible if we could alter lifelong perceptions of how/who we are, how/who others are, what anything means.
i've read that it takes 21 days to change a habit — not sure if this applies only to things like exercise, quitting smoking, etc — but it's interesting to ponder that we could change ANYTHING about ourselves in 21 days. like, what if, instead of endlessly TALKING about starting a damn coffeeshop [which, my broad audience may be aware, i've done for, oh, about 15 years], i actually did some work toward it for 21 days. on day 22, would something magically happen, something change that turned this notion into a reality or this "experiment" into a fact / a bonafide intention?
people often say that "changing is hard." and while i can acknowledge and agree with this on one level, because it "doesn't come naturally" (i'm into "quotes" today), i also think it's often not so difficult to CHANGE, so much as difficult to REMEMBER to change. it's the old ribbon-on-the-finger thing. we are creatures of habit, and as such, do some things / think some ways almost automatically. we've created the neural pathways (i'm back on that - holyshit, did i already write this same post and i forgot about it? hopefully it's tangential enough to not be totally reiterative and boring), and we just truck-on-down these highways, endlessly, usually with similar results to before. yeah - i think the real key is the awareness of the thing you want to change. THAT's the hard part — not the changing itself. this is a slippery bit to contemplate, we're so accustomed to thinking of behavior change itself as hard.
anyhow. that's probably about enough on this topic. i'd seriously love to hear about anyone's experiences with changing mental behavior (or even non-mental!).
Thanks Everybody!
post-script: i read online, and i think this seems smart and plausible, that stopping a behavior is good but REPLACING that behavior with another, more desirable one, is even better. this seems like a good idea, because where is your mind to go when you remove the undesirable idea? you have to give it a place to rest, right? what's a good metaphor ... i can't think of one just now.... maybe next time. i hope you have inspiring mental-habit-change stories for me!!
“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”- Mark Twain
(just found that online when i googled "changing habits." but i think before i explore further online, i should just discuss what i'm thinking this morning.)
i have a feeling humans are largely made of HABITS. we make some deliberate decisions, yes, but these seem to be nested in a much larger, much deeper and more insidious house of habitual behavior and thinking. in fact, it's the thinking element i'm most interested in right now. i am very curious if anyone out there [you know who you are, you two!] has ever had any luck in changing a mental habit — a persistent belief you'd had that you suddenly one day decided was A) not true or B) not helpful any longer. and you went about changing it? and did you use specific steps? did you succeed? did it take a long time? i am so curious about this topic; i wonder what would be possible if we could alter lifelong perceptions of how/who we are, how/who others are, what anything means.
i've read that it takes 21 days to change a habit — not sure if this applies only to things like exercise, quitting smoking, etc — but it's interesting to ponder that we could change ANYTHING about ourselves in 21 days. like, what if, instead of endlessly TALKING about starting a damn coffeeshop [which, my broad audience may be aware, i've done for, oh, about 15 years], i actually did some work toward it for 21 days. on day 22, would something magically happen, something change that turned this notion into a reality or this "experiment" into a fact / a bonafide intention?
people often say that "changing is hard." and while i can acknowledge and agree with this on one level, because it "doesn't come naturally" (i'm into "quotes" today), i also think it's often not so difficult to CHANGE, so much as difficult to REMEMBER to change. it's the old ribbon-on-the-finger thing. we are creatures of habit, and as such, do some things / think some ways almost automatically. we've created the neural pathways (i'm back on that - holyshit, did i already write this same post and i forgot about it? hopefully it's tangential enough to not be totally reiterative and boring), and we just truck-on-down these highways, endlessly, usually with similar results to before. yeah - i think the real key is the awareness of the thing you want to change. THAT's the hard part — not the changing itself. this is a slippery bit to contemplate, we're so accustomed to thinking of behavior change itself as hard.
anyhow. that's probably about enough on this topic. i'd seriously love to hear about anyone's experiences with changing mental behavior (or even non-mental!).
Thanks Everybody!
post-script: i read online, and i think this seems smart and plausible, that stopping a behavior is good but REPLACING that behavior with another, more desirable one, is even better. this seems like a good idea, because where is your mind to go when you remove the undesirable idea? you have to give it a place to rest, right? what's a good metaphor ... i can't think of one just now.... maybe next time. i hope you have inspiring mental-habit-change stories for me!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
RANT!!!
sorry to unleash this on all (2 of) yall, but WTF IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD THAT NO ONE CAN DO THEIR JOB AND/OR TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUCKING AT WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO? i think i am officially an old bitter bastard, because i swear my aunts and uncles bitched this very same thing when i was a kid. i'm just going nuts. today's installment: The company who owes you $20k declares bankruptcy and says "sorry" for being unable to pay outstanding debts, and, relatedly, the county clerk lost the affidavit you hand-fucking-carried to them a month ago, proving you served a summons to said shithead now-bankrupting company.
like, if your only damn job is to stamp an affidavit when someone hands it to you and file it in a g.d. drawer, why are they paying you a salary when you DIDN'T FILE IT IN A DRAWER? and why do you have ZERO REMORSE about it? honestly, i am flummoxed. i feel like the world doesn't make any sense when shit like this happens. it's akin, in my mind, to someone just randomly driving on the lefthand side of the road, or cutting in front of you in line and being like "yep, i did." no excuses, no logic, no nothing. i feel like saying "GO LIVE ON MARS, WEIRDO." but don't keep working at the fucking clerk's office.
and i'm done. thank you. eff!
in other news, life is very very decent. I'm as-yet jobless, but getting to focus, in the meantime, on cool stuff like trying-to-become-a-calmer-person (meditation) and at-long-last-uncovering-my-creative-medium (writing). i'm totally committed to these two things, right now. i have a ton of ideas about the first of these two endeavors - and i'm hoping to communicate them via the second. boulderhomecook made a good point, after my last post: namely, that PRACTICE is really the key (and i'm carrying this truth into my two new "commitments" mentioned above) and that - right - writing is also about saying something that might not necessarily have a place for expression in your own, normal, day-to-day world. it's a place to go a little poetic and soft and adventurous, rather than the standard hard-edged, goal-driven approach that dominates most of life and its writing.
i'm hoping my blog turns into something that has a distinctive perspective. i'm sort of just ranting and journalling on here so far. sharing experiences. which, honestly, isn't terribly interesting, i think. i've at least determined that, AS A WRITER (he-hem! i am trying out calling myself that), i am, at least now, more of a non-fiction kinda writer. i love reading fiction, but i really want to talk about ideas and philosophy and life/reality when i write. maybe this just means i'm less well-adjusted than fiction writers and i'm desperately trying to make sense of all of this. which is totally true, who am i kidding - i find life to be a totally bizarre and nonsensical experience.
et voila.
xo
like, if your only damn job is to stamp an affidavit when someone hands it to you and file it in a g.d. drawer, why are they paying you a salary when you DIDN'T FILE IT IN A DRAWER? and why do you have ZERO REMORSE about it? honestly, i am flummoxed. i feel like the world doesn't make any sense when shit like this happens. it's akin, in my mind, to someone just randomly driving on the lefthand side of the road, or cutting in front of you in line and being like "yep, i did." no excuses, no logic, no nothing. i feel like saying "GO LIVE ON MARS, WEIRDO." but don't keep working at the fucking clerk's office.
and i'm done. thank you. eff!
in other news, life is very very decent. I'm as-yet jobless, but getting to focus, in the meantime, on cool stuff like trying-to-become-a-calmer-person (meditation) and at-long-last-uncovering-my-creative-medium (writing). i'm totally committed to these two things, right now. i have a ton of ideas about the first of these two endeavors - and i'm hoping to communicate them via the second. boulderhomecook made a good point, after my last post: namely, that PRACTICE is really the key (and i'm carrying this truth into my two new "commitments" mentioned above) and that - right - writing is also about saying something that might not necessarily have a place for expression in your own, normal, day-to-day world. it's a place to go a little poetic and soft and adventurous, rather than the standard hard-edged, goal-driven approach that dominates most of life and its writing.
i'm hoping my blog turns into something that has a distinctive perspective. i'm sort of just ranting and journalling on here so far. sharing experiences. which, honestly, isn't terribly interesting, i think. i've at least determined that, AS A WRITER (he-hem! i am trying out calling myself that), i am, at least now, more of a non-fiction kinda writer. i love reading fiction, but i really want to talk about ideas and philosophy and life/reality when i write. maybe this just means i'm less well-adjusted than fiction writers and i'm desperately trying to make sense of all of this. which is totally true, who am i kidding - i find life to be a totally bizarre and nonsensical experience.
et voila.
xo
Thursday, February 11, 2010
snow. discipline. chickpeas.
hi. both of you. it snowed like hell in ny yesterday — it was a dream. literally, i felt like i was in a dream, walking through the park while it blizzarded. there's something about snowstorms that make me feel like i'm 8. maybe it's the oversized clothing, the massive mittens/unusable hands, the impermeability/flop-on-down-ability. i dunno, but i like it. i felt like i was in a painting, or in the best scene from the best, most hopeful, subtle movie ever. yeah - there's something weirdly hopeful for me about when it snows, how it changes the landscape you know and take for granted, how everything suddenly falls into shades of white, grey, and brown - sometimes a little orange; how the world you are so familiar with suddenly surprises you and feels like WHO KNEW we could have THIS EXPERIENCE here? i was walking through silent WOODS (in brooklyn!) where the snow stacked up on all the branches, leaving the undersides dark brown, and one side of every trunk was puffed with 6" of snow or so. the lake in the park had frozen almost entirely and was green-grey, in contrast to all this white/brownness. this doesn't make for a very interesting story, methinks. but i was so crazily MOVED by this long walk i took in the snow. it was so QUIET. so thought-provoking. i was elated. i notice i feel similarly when it rains / pours. [do you guys experience this love-of-precipitation?] i like how a natural phenomenon just stops everyone in their tracks and brings us all to the same wide-eyed experience. cool. [wow - and incidentally, Loudon Wainright just sang a song on FressshhhAiirrrr with Terri Gross called "Grey in LA" - which is all about how the best days in california are grey, cuz there's just too much damn sun there -- WHICH echoes my main complaint about that state / and my main love affair with this one: seasons and the moody awesomeness of a landscape and sky that has more than one happy-go-lucky mood.] rant!
in other news. i've been thinking a lot about writing lately. i've been writing since i was 7 or something, keeping dumb journals (not unlike this one!) and i just remembered, i used to write POEMS in elementary school and even "performed" one (lengthily!) on-stage when i was 11. i thought rhyming was the coolest. anyway - i got to asking myself questions like What is the point of writing? Why write? What do i have to say? and while i (clearly!) don't know what i have to say, i realized the urge to write is really at the crux of things -- like, you could ask any painter, photographer, sculptor, musician "Why do your thing?" and i think the answer would be something along the lines of "i just feel like i want to" or "i can't help it." and then the message or experience for the end-user is secondary? i always struggle with this question of what-to-say, and i asked a writer-friend (a pro) how she knows what to write about, and she said "it's not a question of knowing what to write about. it's about writing everyday, and following what is going in an interesting direction." i felt so dumb after she said it. like i had just learned the alphabet yesterday and been given my first pencil. so obvious. any artist i've ever talked to says discipline - a daily ritual - is the place where inspiration is born. i tend to get a lot of inspiration and never apply any discipline to it, and i think i've been going about things backward. in any case.
i just ate chickpeas (cooked with fennel seed!), mixed with garlic-mayo and hot-peppers-in-oil. so damn good. it's always good eating around here when i can't seem to get to the store for any fresh stuff and i have to start getting creative with the LEGUMES that sleep in the cupboard for months on end.
bye!
in other news. i've been thinking a lot about writing lately. i've been writing since i was 7 or something, keeping dumb journals (not unlike this one!) and i just remembered, i used to write POEMS in elementary school and even "performed" one (lengthily!) on-stage when i was 11. i thought rhyming was the coolest. anyway - i got to asking myself questions like What is the point of writing? Why write? What do i have to say? and while i (clearly!) don't know what i have to say, i realized the urge to write is really at the crux of things -- like, you could ask any painter, photographer, sculptor, musician "Why do your thing?" and i think the answer would be something along the lines of "i just feel like i want to" or "i can't help it." and then the message or experience for the end-user is secondary? i always struggle with this question of what-to-say, and i asked a writer-friend (a pro) how she knows what to write about, and she said "it's not a question of knowing what to write about. it's about writing everyday, and following what is going in an interesting direction." i felt so dumb after she said it. like i had just learned the alphabet yesterday and been given my first pencil. so obvious. any artist i've ever talked to says discipline - a daily ritual - is the place where inspiration is born. i tend to get a lot of inspiration and never apply any discipline to it, and i think i've been going about things backward. in any case.
i just ate chickpeas (cooked with fennel seed!), mixed with garlic-mayo and hot-peppers-in-oil. so damn good. it's always good eating around here when i can't seem to get to the store for any fresh stuff and i have to start getting creative with the LEGUMES that sleep in the cupboard for months on end.
bye!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
a question, security and ferocity
i just tried to make a title for this post - but i have no idea what it's going to be about - so i'll wait until the end. i'm thinking it might be loosely based on an INTENSE and kinda frantic writing session i just had. the basic gist of it, as i get knee-deep in romantic intensity and what-not, was the question: WHAT DOES A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP GIVE YOU? and i think for most people it might give something a little bit illusionary. i want to hear other peoples' thoughts on this topic. my notion is that humans chase the [false] idea of Security and Stability all their lives — in relationships primarily, jobs secondarily, and then maybe kids terti..arily [i.e. the Security that comes with knowing part of your genes will carry on after you're dust, and they get down to the business of living life that maybe you yourself abdicated in the pursuit of providing-for-your-gene-carrier, etc]. i feel a little bad writing this, b/c the one person i think who reads my blog is a parent - and i am not intending to breeder-bash (at all!) (i still toy with breeding meself, don't laugh), i just think the topic of kids is germane to this idea of Security-seeking — which appears to be the point of the post, so i have to say it.
ANYHOW. we all die. it's a fact. and it's not just life that ends, EVERYTHING ends eventually. The flan you just ordered, the clean tub you just scoured, the high feeling from the superfun night you had with your friend, the close connection you're feeling to a person/any person, the inspiration you got from that art show, the feeling of security you have when there's money in the bank, an earth that's not quaking, a town that's not war-torn, etc. all these things, i believe, come to an end. which is to say EVERYTHING comes to an end. yet humans chase this idea of the NeverEnding. i would venture to say most humans spend the bulk of their time trying to secure things that are by definition ephemeral. which, when i think about it, feels like a monumental and yeah, tragic waste of time and energy. to really come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is secure, that you are completely and irrevocably insecure, seems like a sort of key to the kingdom, to me. like, then you can actually spend your time and your energy and your life pursuing the things that make you feel alive — rather than trying to run from things that remind you of death, which be comin, no doubt. to get secure in the insecurity, such that you can go forward and PLAY with life, seems like a really good idea. and honestly, the only true way to live.
i'm just speaking for myself, obviously. this isn't meant as a polemic against people who want to find security, cuz I GET IT. i've been doing the same thing my whole life. and now that i'm in a relationship, i feel these weird, irrational tugs to try to secure this partnership in some way, to make myself not feel afraid of its (eventual, let's be honest, one way or another) ceasing. and this is what's leading me to ponder these ideas. and the biggest question that comes out of it for me [and i want to know what others think, for real] is WHY ATTACH TO ANOTHER? and the best reason i came up with for why i feel attracted to this fella, outside of all the aforementioned security/comfort reasons (which are nice, for sure, if not fantasy-derived) is that he actually lives in a way that i want to live. namely: courageously, playfully, engagedly. he finds inspiration and joy and fun and interest in everyday things. and he challenges his mind on nearly every point he or anyone else makes. he is rigorous in his enjoyment and rigorous in his contemplation of things. it feels like he lives pretty fully. this isn't meant to be an anthem to his coolness, i am just trying to sort out the reasons i have personally — the ones i can really get behind, rationally i mean — for being in a relationship. and i guess it IS like i said comfort for one, inspiration for two AND, a third is that this level of intimacy is the closest any of us get to living in another person's skin. which is sort of like a dream-come-true. how to have a life-experience that is not your own -- that is a real trick. and i think we can become so much smarter, so much cooler and funner and more compassionate and all-around wiser, by seeing out the eyes of someone else. this is a trite point perhaps, but still a cool phenomenon. and one you don't get [i know from experience!] chilling in your own world on your own couch by your own damn self. hmmmKAY?!
okay - i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i went on for 6 pages in my journal around this topic, and it bled into all different areas, pretty fun. oh yeah, and the word i took away from my journal writing was FIERCE. i feel like a Fierce life would be one that totally embraces this idea that nothing can be contained or grasped, and so we have nothing to lose, and so we have nothing to fear, and so we follow every instinct, idea, spark that gets us going. we live big. in open air, like birds or something. we're alive while we're alive and we'll be dead when we're dead — not trying to escape death while we're alive. not a poetic ending.
ANYHOW. we all die. it's a fact. and it's not just life that ends, EVERYTHING ends eventually. The flan you just ordered, the clean tub you just scoured, the high feeling from the superfun night you had with your friend, the close connection you're feeling to a person/any person, the inspiration you got from that art show, the feeling of security you have when there's money in the bank, an earth that's not quaking, a town that's not war-torn, etc. all these things, i believe, come to an end. which is to say EVERYTHING comes to an end. yet humans chase this idea of the NeverEnding. i would venture to say most humans spend the bulk of their time trying to secure things that are by definition ephemeral. which, when i think about it, feels like a monumental and yeah, tragic waste of time and energy. to really come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is secure, that you are completely and irrevocably insecure, seems like a sort of key to the kingdom, to me. like, then you can actually spend your time and your energy and your life pursuing the things that make you feel alive — rather than trying to run from things that remind you of death, which be comin, no doubt. to get secure in the insecurity, such that you can go forward and PLAY with life, seems like a really good idea. and honestly, the only true way to live.
i'm just speaking for myself, obviously. this isn't meant as a polemic against people who want to find security, cuz I GET IT. i've been doing the same thing my whole life. and now that i'm in a relationship, i feel these weird, irrational tugs to try to secure this partnership in some way, to make myself not feel afraid of its (eventual, let's be honest, one way or another) ceasing. and this is what's leading me to ponder these ideas. and the biggest question that comes out of it for me [and i want to know what others think, for real] is WHY ATTACH TO ANOTHER? and the best reason i came up with for why i feel attracted to this fella, outside of all the aforementioned security/comfort reasons (which are nice, for sure, if not fantasy-derived) is that he actually lives in a way that i want to live. namely: courageously, playfully, engagedly. he finds inspiration and joy and fun and interest in everyday things. and he challenges his mind on nearly every point he or anyone else makes. he is rigorous in his enjoyment and rigorous in his contemplation of things. it feels like he lives pretty fully. this isn't meant to be an anthem to his coolness, i am just trying to sort out the reasons i have personally — the ones i can really get behind, rationally i mean — for being in a relationship. and i guess it IS like i said comfort for one, inspiration for two AND, a third is that this level of intimacy is the closest any of us get to living in another person's skin. which is sort of like a dream-come-true. how to have a life-experience that is not your own -- that is a real trick. and i think we can become so much smarter, so much cooler and funner and more compassionate and all-around wiser, by seeing out the eyes of someone else. this is a trite point perhaps, but still a cool phenomenon. and one you don't get [i know from experience!] chilling in your own world on your own couch by your own damn self. hmmmKAY?!
okay - i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i went on for 6 pages in my journal around this topic, and it bled into all different areas, pretty fun. oh yeah, and the word i took away from my journal writing was FIERCE. i feel like a Fierce life would be one that totally embraces this idea that nothing can be contained or grasped, and so we have nothing to lose, and so we have nothing to fear, and so we follow every instinct, idea, spark that gets us going. we live big. in open air, like birds or something. we're alive while we're alive and we'll be dead when we're dead — not trying to escape death while we're alive. not a poetic ending.
Monday, January 18, 2010
i dedicate this song...
I can't decide which thoughts and feelings are the biggest right now. But i will say that i am wildly, heart-clutchingly grateful for the relative EASE and PEACE i've been feeling the last few days. it's weird how we forget the truth in the old adage about this too shall pass and all that — why is it so hard to imagine feeling any different than we do at the moment? Every emotion feels terminal. I guess there's also fear involved, which only makes things seem more desperate, more bound-for-hell. in any case (i can't decide if i'm converting to a Titlecase kinda gal or if i should just stick with my usual lc style) - things have shifted. And i get a little surge of adrenaline at even the GALLING ASSUMPTION... life is truly so weird, people.
what helped. for one, the tools i discussed last time. for two, being BUSY. my kingdom for a full schedule these days. i'm unemployed at the moment and boy does my idle mind go to bad places lately... also, FRIENDS, SISTERS, STRANGERS. i have a bad habit, when i'm all raw-and-open like this, of telling every damn person what is going on with me. and luckily people are really nice. but the best people to hang around when my head is spinning out are those that always shock me into some kind of understanding. i'm thinking of one friend in particular. he has a very matter-of-fact style always, and it is damn comforting to hear that man say "Sounds normal," and "It'll pass," with his signature eye-close and wipe-away-turn of the head.
This is not the most inspired blog, because i'm about to THERAPIZE, people, so i'm a bit distracted, but i find also that the other thing that helps is working these tricky mindbits through in a (semi-) public sphere. not that anyone is reading it even [thank you if you do!], but it feels loads more productive, somehow, than simply bleeding onto my journal YET AGAIN. i am feeling less and less certain of the purpose of my journalling. it's one place to work through things, but i am starting to recognize in myself a real penchant for screwing-around-in-one-fucking-place-forever. to wit: 20 years of emotional romantical solitude. sorry, Dave! maybe i should write a Willie Nelson style cover To All the Men I Couldn't Love Before. might be helpful.
i believe that is enough for now. thank you and good night.
what helped. for one, the tools i discussed last time. for two, being BUSY. my kingdom for a full schedule these days. i'm unemployed at the moment and boy does my idle mind go to bad places lately... also, FRIENDS, SISTERS, STRANGERS. i have a bad habit, when i'm all raw-and-open like this, of telling every damn person what is going on with me. and luckily people are really nice. but the best people to hang around when my head is spinning out are those that always shock me into some kind of understanding. i'm thinking of one friend in particular. he has a very matter-of-fact style always, and it is damn comforting to hear that man say "Sounds normal," and "It'll pass," with his signature eye-close and wipe-away-turn of the head.
This is not the most inspired blog, because i'm about to THERAPIZE, people, so i'm a bit distracted, but i find also that the other thing that helps is working these tricky mindbits through in a (semi-) public sphere. not that anyone is reading it even [thank you if you do!], but it feels loads more productive, somehow, than simply bleeding onto my journal YET AGAIN. i am feeling less and less certain of the purpose of my journalling. it's one place to work through things, but i am starting to recognize in myself a real penchant for screwing-around-in-one-fucking-place-forever. to wit: 20 years of emotional romantical solitude. sorry, Dave! maybe i should write a Willie Nelson style cover To All the Men I Couldn't Love Before. might be helpful.
i believe that is enough for now. thank you and good night.
Friday, January 15, 2010
holy hell.
hi everyone. i'm terrified. i don't mean this in my usual, hyperbolic assessment of some new (relatively) trifling work or personal situation. i mean this in the WILL-I-EVER-BE-THE-SAME fright that only a long-denied, wholly unexpressed childhood fear can elicit. turns out, i have never before experienced panic. or at least not in my adult life.* ... but this is something i feel best described by the phrase "bone-rattling." literally, my bones shake. my organs shake. i shake. it's fear. the subject / content of which is probably less interesting than the phenomenon itself. let's just say, in short form, it's about getting hurt (again) in romance. startlingly singular and fascinating, i know! i'm the first person ever! so... the mystery of my two solidly single decades is solved, at least - or on the way to being so. this is progress, i have no doubt about that. but fucking HARD-FOUGHT (and not yet entirely won) progress. mother of god. i didn't know people could feel this way. what follows is not a cry-for-help, NOT YET - it's merely an expression of a new kind of understanding: i now understand why people off themselves. poor david foster wallace. i can't even imagine the pain. i've been reading his "a supposedly fun thing i'll never do again" essay the last few days; the weird thing is that everyone feels connected to that guy. how can someone so observant and warm and hearty and hilarious and weird not feel the love back? how could we all adore him and his thoughts so much [and by association his person] without him feeling this love? what happens in us / to us / between us that keeps all the understanding-magic from inhabiting us or eachother? anyhow, back to my suffering. cuz like i said, that is fascinating stuff.
i've been reading / listening to / talking alot about fear lately. the buddhists compare fear to a dream where, e.g., you're being chased by a tiger and you fully believe it to be real until you wake up and then of course realize "it was just a dream" - and the terror instantly vanishes into nothingness. they say our thoughts and stories and fears are exactly the same, except that it's harder to pull back the shade of fiction, because we live in it and are committed to it on some subconscious level. where we all agree consciously (and subconsciously) that dreams are not real. neurobiologists say that the amygdala, which houses our fear and emotional center, connects only in a one-way street to our pre-frontal cortex, where reaction-decisions are made -- a major superhighway from fear to action. the reverse path, however, whereby we can make decisions and reverse the fear response or alter it by the force of our reason, is only connected by a series of small, bumpy, winding, unpaved backroads. i like the idea of trying to pave this road.
the odd thing about this experience, about fear, is that much of the trauma comes from the fear itself. it's the fear the body reacts to - that's why the raised heartbeat, the sweaty forehead, the numb limbs, the burning chest and gut. which, it usually turns out, is the extent of the negative experience. it's all right there in that moment, when you have a scary thought and your body responds. the next, crucial step, from what i am gathering, happens when you indulge that thought and extrapolate out a life of lonely devastation and perpetual sweating. that's when the mind starts to lose its hold. the purpose of the mind is to protect the body from such traumas, so it comes as no surprise that a "crazy" experience takes hold as you fully experience the fear. your mind is logically arguing that you GET THE FUCK AWAY, but for whatever reason, you're in it. and now your body is in charge, bearing the brunt of the mind's vomit. i never thought about that: fear is the mind's puke. and it actually feels just like that, come to think of it. the mind does not know what to do with fear other than RUN AWAY and protect. this is the superhighway aforementioned. it's instantaneous. it tries to save you.
i've been told recently, much to my dumbly surprised nearly-40-self, that fear is "part of being human. get used to it." somehow i was under the impression that i didn't really so much have any of that. well, joke's on me. some fears are just too big to be unearthed without the help of hormones and luuuurve, turns out.
tools. i have been given a few tools so simple-sounding that you'd almost think they aren't worth listening to or trying. but isn't it always the case that the smartest tools are also the simplest ones? Number One: Breath. When the panic hits, if you can train yourself to be instantly aware of the physical or mental/emotional cues and start to breathe deeply into the belly, you're halfway there. part of the crazy-feeling comes from thinking you're losing your mind, when in fact you've just let fear take over - whose JOB IT IS to get you to run like hell, like we said. so to be able to take a few deep breaths and literally say in your head "oh, fear's here. terror's here. pain is here. hellooooo guys..." makes you YOU again - puts you back in control of the situation. and let's be honest, this is all about control in the end. Number Two: Acknowledge that Love/Life/What-Have-You is larger than the pain and fear you're experiencing. that you, your heart can handle it. Number Three: Tell the scared person (kid?) in you not to worry - that you're in charge now and you know what to do, that a very smart person taught you a very smart system and all you have to do is allow it. Number Four: Use Your Senses. Name 5 things you see, 5 things you hear, 5 things you smell, something you taste (p.s. metal is the taste of fear, i have discovered). this part of the exercise puts you firmly back in your body, in the world, and reinforces that you are alive in this very non-scary room or place, wherever you are. it's a good one. very grounding. Number 5: SEARCH for the fear. look for its remaining hiding place. maybe you feel a little tremble in your belly or a residual burning in your arms/chest or numbness in your calves. the instruction i've been given is to "Let your kind breath touch that spot." Where breath meets terror, terror cannot live. sounds way too simple, but i'm telling you people, it works. BREATH. who knew? all the buddhists, actually.
alright. i guess that's all i have to say on the subject for now. this is quite a trip, an insane-feeling adventure. but i also know that it is leading me down the path to being able to experience virtually ANYthing that life hands me - and hopefully it will even make me smarter to the hidden/disguised fears that have been kind of ruling my life and inadvertently choosing on my behalf for the last 40 years. oy.
*i suppose i panicked a bit in cameroon - my first 3 weeks nothing short of a ghostly dream and me sort of lacily floating through it all sincerely exclaiming to my new international co-volunteers: "do you feel like you're dreaming?"
POST-SCRIPT: my therapist recommends i do a lot of exercise, spend a lot of time around trees, eat alot of root vegetables (potatoes, carrots, beets, rutabagas, etc) and drink "Irish Guiness." no shit. i love her.
POST-SCRIPT: my therapist recommends i do a lot of exercise, spend a lot of time around trees, eat alot of root vegetables (potatoes, carrots, beets, rutabagas, etc) and drink "Irish Guiness." no shit. i love her.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
and hello
**this post was started on feb 9 of 2009 - not sure why i didn't post it... it still seems true - if unfinished.**
2 yearsish since the last post. it is a grey day in nyc, totally my kind of day. a little drizzly and hushed - like a big grey blanket the sky offers with a kindly "i know, i know." i appreciate this. i didn't get much of it in california. all that sunshine feels like a mockery if you have a noggin prone toward pensiveness. there's no NOT going outdoors and NOT enjoying the sunshine and NOT going on a run in beautiful countryside. ok, i'm sort of undoing my own point by listing all these lovely things. it's just that i like the sweet indulgence of a grey day. you CAN drink your coffee indoors and read until you fall asleep on the couch and you have in no way wasted anything. no guilt. i can dig it.
i'm thinking lots of things and don't know what exactly to write about - but i'll start with a short list, for today:
1. this growing sense i have that my life needs more deliberateness. when i think of what others have done with their time on earth, i am amazed and inspired - and reminded that there are as many ways to live as there are ideas about life. that there is no script and that we can actually invent new ways to live. this excites me, and makes me feel open, even just thinking about it.
2. i might open a winebar/cafe in windsor terrace. my friend says its more important to just do it than to worry about "the theme", the look, how-it-will-work, etc. he is smart in this way, and i think i should take his advice and just start.
2 yearsish since the last post. it is a grey day in nyc, totally my kind of day. a little drizzly and hushed - like a big grey blanket the sky offers with a kindly "i know, i know." i appreciate this. i didn't get much of it in california. all that sunshine feels like a mockery if you have a noggin prone toward pensiveness. there's no NOT going outdoors and NOT enjoying the sunshine and NOT going on a run in beautiful countryside. ok, i'm sort of undoing my own point by listing all these lovely things. it's just that i like the sweet indulgence of a grey day. you CAN drink your coffee indoors and read until you fall asleep on the couch and you have in no way wasted anything. no guilt. i can dig it.
i'm thinking lots of things and don't know what exactly to write about - but i'll start with a short list, for today:
1. this growing sense i have that my life needs more deliberateness. when i think of what others have done with their time on earth, i am amazed and inspired - and reminded that there are as many ways to live as there are ideas about life. that there is no script and that we can actually invent new ways to live. this excites me, and makes me feel open, even just thinking about it.
2. i might open a winebar/cafe in windsor terrace. my friend says its more important to just do it than to worry about "the theme", the look, how-it-will-work, etc. he is smart in this way, and i think i should take his advice and just start.
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